


Under the influence

by HurricaneScully



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-09-25 04:28:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 69,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9802658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurricaneScully/pseuds/HurricaneScully
Summary: Scully gets drugged and uses Mulder as a release.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've ever done anything slightly dub-con. I hope it's ok. It was *super* hard to do this with them in character so I'm sorry if it's slightly OOC. *sigh* I tried. Enjoy :-)

Mulder startled at the knock at his door. He couldn't be bothered with her company tonight and he knew that the only person who'd be at his door at this time of night was Scully. No doubt she had come to chew him out some more over the case they had just finished.

The case had been slightly reminiscent of The Kindred case they'd worked at the beginning of their partnership. At least that's what he'd thought. Scully, as always, was less than convinced and once they'd apprehended the 'utterly non supernatural' suspect she had given him a piece of her mind. He left her to deal with the interview and retrieving the suspects statement and confession alone while he'd come home with his tail thoroughly waged between his legs. 

The victims had all been raped and a few had been murdered. It turned out that David Gibson, the suspect, had drugged unsuspecting people with a crazy cocktail that Scully told him was essentially an extremely potent mixture of Phencyclidine, Flunitrazepam and, somehow, artificial human pheromones. Gibson was a chemist and he had somehow tampered with the drugs to ensure they made his victims strong and, as Mulder put it, so horny they'd fuck anything. He had also somehow interrupted the hallucinogenic properties of the drugs.

 

What made it potentially even worse was that all of those who were drugged always raped the most loved and desired people in their lives. One man had actually reminded Mulder of himself. He had worked alongside the love of his life but couldn't tell her. Once he'd forced himself onto her courtesy of the drugs pumping through his veins she had killed herself. Unable to go on with her life knowing the only person she trusted had used her. He was such a shell of a person when they'd interviewed him. Mulder's heart twisted for him and he couldn't help but think that he would eat his own gun if that ever happened to him and he'd hurt Scully.

Some of the drug victims had panicked as they came out of their drug induced dissociation and had killed their victims in a vain attempt to conceal their crime. The whole thing had been a mess. Due to the nature of what Gibson had done, basically getting others to commit his crimes, it had been impossible to establish a victim pool or a likely geographical area where he may live according to body dump location. 

Gibson claimed he was a pioneer who was just trying to show humans what they were at their base level. He disgusted Mulder and Scully. Twisting a helpless person into some nightmarish thing and forcing them to act out their sexual needs on their loved ones. After all who do we go to when we're most afraid and vulnerable but to those we love. There had been several suicides by those who were drugged as well as the rape victims. They themselves being victim's of his heinous crime. It was going to be a pain for the courts to convict him and sort out what to do with the murderers who had acted because of the drugs. Their part was over at least. 

Mulder stayed on his couch. Maybe if he just ignored Scully she'd leave. He really wasn't up for more of this tonight. He'd already been chastised enough for today, for the year really. 

Her knocking became frantic. Maybe something had went wrong at the local PD'S office. She'd just use her key if he didn't let her in anyway. He sighed and resigned himself to whatever he had coming. 

He knew his ideas and theories were the cause of Scully's annoyance. He had vehemently sujested UFO involvement. She'd been pretty damn smug when it turned out to be Gibson. 

He reached his apartment door and opened it with a weary sigh. Reluctant to meet his angry partner.

Scully launched herself into his apartment. He raised his eyebrow's at her. She hadn't even spoken to him. "Won't you come on in, Scully" He said sarcastically. 

"He... he had someone else. Injected me." She was panting and stripping off her coat. He moved over to her. Her eyes were wide and wild. 

"Scully? Calm down. Start from the top. What happened?" 

"God, I'm too hot! Aren't you hot? It's too hot!" She pulled off her blazer and kicked away her shoes. Leaving herself in just a see through shirt and her short skirt.

Jesus, what the hell was she doing? Then it hit him. She'd been drugged. What had she said? He had someone else? A partner? And this person had got her. Injected her? Shit.

"Woah, hey, it's ok. Just try and calm down. I'm gonna take you to hospital, Scully" He picked up the clothes that lay at her feet on the floor and tried to put them back on her small frame. 

"No! Please, Mulder, please. I just need... God, I'm *so* hot" instead of helping him put on her clothes she hauled, with shaking hands, at her delicate white shirt. The pearl buttons ripped off and flew to all the corners of the room. Skittering around on the floor. She pulled the ruined shirt off. She was whimpering and gasping. Her beautiful face flushed a sultry crimson. Fuck. 

"Scully. Stop!" Mulder grasped her wrists, trying to push her hands to the sides of her body. Trying to ignore the black satin of her bra that encased the creamy mounds of her breasts. She moaned. Honest to God, moaned, at his touch. 

"Ugh! Yeah! Touch me. Please!" She thrust her chest upwards towards him. Jesus, this was too much. The sounds she was making went straight to his cock. He felt so disgusted with himself. She'd been drugged! He pulled away from her and tried to stay calm. 

"I'm going to go and get something. Get your shoes back on. We're going to the hospital, Scully." He left her quickly. He had to get a hold of this situation! He'd grab what he could from his bedroom and get her in the car to take her to the hospital. The hospital would be able to naturalise the effects. His cuffs were in the bedroom, he prayed he wouldn't have to restrain her but if needs must he'd rather have them.

Scully pounced on him the second he made it to the bedroom. Effectively forcing him down on to the bed. He hadn't even heard her behind him.

"Please, Mulder! Mmm. I *need* this. Uh, I NEED *you*." She flipped him over like he was nothing more than a rag doll and pinned him down on the bed. He didn't want to hurt her but this had gone far enough. He pushed at her petite body trying to gently dislodge her. She was far too strong. He tried again, harder. Maybe too hard. She'd have bruises. It was like shoving at stone. What the hell? For fuck's sake! She was tiny. Why couldn't he get her off of him.

She ripped off the nylons she had on and started rubbing herself over and over his dick. Shit. This couldn't be happening! He didn't want her. Not like this! He wanted her to want and love him just as he did her. He didn't think he'd survive it if their first time was when she was doped up to the eye balls. 

"STOP!" He screamed at her as she ripped open his shirt. He struggled with her again. She'd hate him for using this to his advantage. She was moaning and writhing on top of him. Her body slick with sweat. Her core bucking onto his hard on. 

Mulder felt so ashamed of himself. She was drugged and needed help and he was getting hard.

"Nu no. Please. I just need a minute. Just a minute. This feels so good." Her eyes mere slit's. Her head tossed up to the ceiling. A beautiful flush over her chest. She was stunning. Utterly prepossessing, but he couldn't. He felt sick. He couldnt even save her from herself. He was humiliated beyond belief.

She pulled her hands off of his chest. He struggled harder than before. His hands reaching up to her chest to try and push her over and off of his lap. He was sweating heavily with the exertion. She unhooked her bra and let it fall. Unfortunately his hands had moved there at the exact moment she relieved herself of the flimsy garment. He ended up with his hands full of Scully's naked breasts. Shit! They felt so good. Fitting perfectly into his hands.

She bucked even harder onto him "Yeah eessss" She hissed out at him. She was burning up. She needing more than this. He was hard. He wanted her. Didn't he? She felt so empty. So unbearably empty. She knew what she needed.

He quickly pulled his hands away and she whimpered at the loss. "Scully! You've been drugged. You have to stop! Stop, Scully! STOP!" 

She clamped her thighs tighter around him and moved down a little to his knees. He took the opportunity and sat up. He had more of an advantage like this. He pushed and pushed at her. Why couldn't he move her?! She reached down to the zipper and buttons of his slacks. 

"Mulder. You're hard! You *want* me too! I... I need. Please, Mulder!" She undone them and he shoved at her again. He felt a momentary pang of guilt when he saw the bruises already beginning to form on her tense shoulders. Shit! She *had* to stop! 

Scully reached into his boxers and pulled out his throbbing cock. She arched her eyebrow at him. Amused. 

"You're fucking writhing on top of me half naked. What do you expect, Scully?!?" He screamed at her. This could *not* happen! Not like this. Please, not like this! She'd never be able to look at him again. 

He bucked his hips in a vain attempt to get her off of him. She pushed him down again, only using one hand. She was so strong. Her perfectly manicured finger nails scratched down his chest roughly. It was as if his struggles were only a slight inconvenience to her. She licked her lips and he felt another flush of blood pulse down to his aching shaft. He hated himself. Hated his body!

His hands never stopped pushing at her shoulders. She moved up his body again. She raised up on her knees a little and pulled off her panties in one quick motion. Ripping the matching black satin and throwing them away. 

"I don't have anything, Scully. No condom" he told her. He was almost hysterical. Trying desperately to reach the doctor inside of her. Nothing else was working. Maybe that would jolt her out of her lust addled state. He started to hit her. He felt beyond ashamed of himself. He thought he could never hurt her. Never. But what else could he do? He slapped at her hands and tried to punch her in the gut. She hardly seemed to notice or feel it. 

"It's ok. It's ok. I'll stop. I just need... uhh, God, Mulder. Just a minute, please. I'll stop. Tell me when and I... I'll stop." She panted out. 

She gripped his pulsating member in her hand and moved herself over him. He could feel droplets of her fluids dribbling onto him. She was *so* wet. 

She started to slowly sink down on him. Yes! This was *exactly* what she needed! He was so hard. So deep! This was just what she needed! God, he felt incredible! She engulfed him to the hilt. Yesss. Just right!

Fuck! What was happening?! She felt so damn good. His face screwed up into a mixture of complete horror and sheer bliss. His emotions warred inside of him. This was so wrong! This felt so right! He tried to dislodge her again but this time it was only half hearted. She seemed to know it too. He wanted her so badly but this, this was *wrong*!

"It's ok. It's ok, Mulder. Fuck! You feel good to me too. Mmm... Yeah." She slid up and down him. Her body shaking on top of him. Rythmically grinding her clit onto his public bone with every down wards stroke. He bucked up. How could he not? She was so hot and tight. Her honey flowing out of her. He was going straight to hell for this. But he loved her. Loved the feeling of her. Christ. God help him. She felt so damn good. He felt moisture on his cheeks and knew that he was crying. He was so pathetic. He was going to loss her because of this but he was enjoying it? 

He heard himself moaning through his tears. It was such a cruel dichotomy! Her tight body pulling him into a frenzy. He bucked up harder into her more than willing body. She panted and moaned.

"Ho ho ho. Fuck yesss! That's it. That's it, baby! Uhhhmmm, Mulder." She picked up the pace. Her tiny body slamming up and down on his. He'd given up fighting her off. He knew he should. He knew she'd hate him. God, he hated *himself* already. She felt too damn good though. It had been years since he'd been inside of a woman and his body was completely taking over. 

"Nnngh... fuck! Oh... I'm gonna... I'm... Yes, that's it. That's it. Ugh!" She was pounding onto him for all she was worth. His balls pulled up in response. "MULDER" She screamed out his name. He felt her velvet walls spasm and flutter around him. 

His cum started jetting out of him. Her orgasm starting his. Shit! No condom. He pulled her exhausted trembling body quickly off his cock. She swayed lazily on his knees. He pumped his hips into the empty air as he blew the rest of his load. Some of it had went into her. That was too much to think about just now and he ignored the trickle of his seed that flowed out of her onto his legs. His body was spent. That was the *best* experience he'd ever had. That was the *worst* experience he'd ever had. He just couldn't wrap his mind around this. 

Scully flopped down on to chest. He let his tears flow. What the fuck had just happened? It was such a sick perversion of what he'd always wanted. 

She jolted violently. She pulled up to look at him. Her eyes wide with fear and shock. He'd never seen her so terrified.

"I... Oh, God" She scampered off of him. "Oh, God." She was in total shock. She'd raped him! There was no point trying to decorate it up for herself. That's what she had done. She'd *raped* him. She was disgusted at it. She was a criminal. She'd forced her best friend. Her brain couldn't compute what she'd just done. She was off the bed and running through to the living room before he could even blink.

"Scully!" He shouted after her. "Wait. Please. Wait!" He ran after her. He pushed his now flaccid sticky penis into his boxers and zipped up his pants as he dashed to the living room. 

She was pulling on her blazer when he got to her. Her tears streaming down her face. She looked so upset and scared. What had he done?! He should have tried harder to stop her. No, he had tried. He wanted her but he *had* tried to stop her. The cruel voice in his mind told him she was tiny and he couldn't possibly have tried hard enough. He was responsible. No! He wasn't. He tried. He really had.

"Scully... I..." Mulder started but he had no idea what to say to her. How could he make this right? 

"I'm so sorry." She whimpered out through sobs. She winced in pain as she pulled on her coat. She could properly feel what he'd done to her now without the effects of the drug. He'd hurt her so much while he'd fought her. Her mascara left streaks of black down her perfect face. He felt sick to his stomach. He'd *hurt* her.

"No! No... I... Scully, you came here for help and I didn't even..." He broke off on a bitter sob. 

She let out a shaky breath as she stepped into her heels. She couldn't even meet his eyes. What had she done? Yes, she'd been drugged but she had raped him. Fuck! Now he was trying to reason out her crime. Always ready to help her. Even after what she'd done.

She screwed up her courage. She couldn't let this be what she knew it really was. She loved him and she couldn't let him feel guilty over it. She was disgusting! She prided herself on her control and faced with the lack of it she'd just used him.

She chuckled without mirth. The doctor inside of her recognised that she was going into shock. "You did help, Mulder. You gave me exactly what I needed." She spat out sarcastically. She rolled her eyes at him as her stomach flopped like a dying fish.

She started towards the door. She had to get out of here. She had to pull back up her guard and solidify her walls before she could do this. Before she could talk to him. She had to be alone. She *had* to.

"Wait. Don't you want to talk?" 

"No. I'm going home. I'll leave you to call the police. I won't wash and I suggest you seal the room and avoid taking a shower." She took a steady breath "I'm so sorry, Mulder" She thought he was going to call the police. Never. He'd never do that to her. She was treating it like a crime scene. He supposed that *is* what it was now.

She quickly left and he just stared after her. After a long moment he went to go and get a shower.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to write anymore but I'm trying just now. It's so damn hard to keep them even a little in character on this one.   
> This is sort of a mini chapter of Scully's angst.

She practically fell through her apartment door. Her legs weak and shaky. She kicked off her shoes. Her stomach lurched at the memory of when she had last done that. What had she done!? She'd never forgive herself. Never!

She slammed the door wishing that the loud banging sound would jar through her and force her to feel something. Anything! Anything other than the shame and revulsion fluttering in her twisting stomach. 

She stumbled to the bathroom, fell to her knees harshly and threw up. The bile burned like flame up her throat but she could hardly feel it. She tried to tell herself that it was her system trying to expel the last of the drugs but she knew the real reason. Even her body was disgusted with her.

She was a rapist. God, she could hardly even think it. How could she have done that? And to Mulder of all people. She let the tears fall from her eyes again. Heaving out huge wet sobs that rocked through the entirety of her small body. She slumped to the side of the toilet floor and crumpled in on herself. Rocking in the fetal position. 

How could she fix this? She *had* to fix this. She'd joined the FBI to stop the people that committed such atrocities. Now she was one of those people. Wasn't she? 

It was the drugs she tried to tell herself. It was the drugs! That's all it was. It wasn't her fault! 

What upset her and shamed her the most was that she'd wanted it. Not like that, of course, but she *had* wanted him. She'd wanted him for so long. She loved him more than life itself and she'd used him. God, what had she done?! 

She tried not to think about it. She tried so desperately not to imagine it. It had felt amazing but it had been so *wrong*, perverse. A sick corruption of what they should have had together.

The feeling of him finally completing her had been such indescribable perfection and she loved it. Then her mind would flash to him yelling at her to stop. The look of sheer terror in his eyes. She sobbed louder. She was sick!

She was upset by the fact that she *was* upset too. She controlled herself so well normally. If she was ever upset she had such an uncanny ability to keep it hidden. She couldn't deal with this though. This self-loathing was new to her and she didn't know how to reconcile it. She didn't know how to sheaf her emotions. How to rap them up again and compartmentalise it all. The inability to turn on her stoic demeanor frightened her.

If she allowed herself to think too deeply about it she was afraid she'd eat her own gun. That was pretty damn dramatic especially for her but after what she'd done she wouldn't put anything past herself. How could she have let her body dictate to her. How could she loss control like that? Thin razor edged tendrils strangled at her broken heart. What must Mulder think of her?

Was it really just the drugs? What if she was like that? What if after all these years that the evil she fought had somehow rubbed off on her? Become a loathsome stain on her soul. She had ruined the best friendship she'd ever had. She couldn't be more disgusted with herself. 

Shouldn't the police be here by now to arrest her? Where were they? She had victimised the love of her life and she needed to face the consequences of her actions even though it scared her. Surely he'd called them already.

Then again she'd probably traumatised him so badly he could hardly move let alone have the presence of mind to call them. Would he be too ashamed to do it? 

She'd read plenty of police reports in her time of men who had been raped by woman yet felt too embarrassed and fearful of societies judgement to come forward. Mulder wouldn't do that though. Would he?

He knew it wasn't his fault. Didn't he? He'd tried to stop her. He had been fighting her. The drugs were the only reason that he hadn't managed to get her off. Not that he needed a reason. He'd told her to stop. That's all that really mattered. 

She got to her feet and felt her jelly legs protest a little. The whole top of her body was agony. But from the waist down she felt the happy tingling sensation of post coital bliss. Even her body was in disagreement with how to feel. Her stomach lurched again but she swallowed it down somehow.

She walked in broken strides through to her living room. Her torso and shoulders aching. The medical doctor in her knew she'd have to check out the damage soon. She couldn't bring herself to do it yet though. The light of her answering machine cut through the gloom. It couldn't be Mulder. She'd been in the whole time. It had to be someone who'd called while she... while she was...

She blinked back new tears. Maybe it was her mum. She hoped it was. Hearing her voice right now would be an immense comfort. She didn't think you ever got too old to need your mother. Especially when you utterly fucked up your life. You still cling to the fervent hope that your mother will fix everything. She wouldn't call her back but just hearing her voice would help. She hit play.

Scully fell to her couch and only half listened to the monotonous drone of a member of the local PD as it filled her apartment. Her body in too much shock to take it in properly.

"Agent Scully, this is detective LaShaw, our men have finished processing Gibson. During the course of the interagation we have come into the knowledge that he had an accomplice. Thankfully Gibson was exactly the kind of man you assumed him to be and he has given us all the information required to apprehend said accomplice. We're going to the location now. I'll call you back with further information once we have him in custody. Your assistance in this case has been invaluable and I just wanted to keep you updated. We can handle it from here. Thank you once again."

'Thank you' he was thanking her? Her life was in tatters and he was *thanking* her. If it hadn't been for this damn case she wouldn't be a... a rapist.

The guy had injected her in the neck with something as she was about to get into her car and then ran off. She could have went to hospital then. She could have chased him. She could have went back into the station. She didn't do any of that though and she'd regret that for the rest of her life.

She had been going over to Mulders to tell him the final outcome of Gibson arrest and if she was honest, to rub his nose in it a little more. He always had to ignore the most probable conclusion. This case had been her win and she was absurdly proud of that.

The cocktail of poisons had hit her, hard! Its effects were instantaneous. Logical thought had fled her mind. Mulder. She needed Mulder. Her desire for him had overwhelmed her. She just couldn't stop. She raced over to his. He'd help her. She knew he could. He always saved her.

She saw what she gad done to him playing out like a horrific nightmare where she was the star. Oh, God, Mulder. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!

Whoever this scum bag accomplice was she hated him. More than hated! She had always had such faith in the justice system but in this case she wanted to take the law into her own hands. She wanted to kill him. She wanted to torture him into madness. To punish him with her own hands. What had he turned her into!? 

He'd poisoned her! He'd ruined her life. She hated him! This faceless, nameless devil that had forced her to do such an evil act. 

The machine clicked again. Playing through the rest of her missed messages. LaShaw called back to tell her they'd caught Gibson's accomplice. One Lenard Sith. He was in custody and awaiting processing. He was just calling her to keep her up to date but reminded her that they had everything under control and she should enjoy her victory with her partner.

She burst into tears again. Her partner. Her *partner*. Was he even that anymore? No. He was her victim. Her rape victim. He'd never be her partner again. She'd go to jail and she'd likely never even see him again.

Her mother did call but Scully was sobbing too loudly to even hear her comforting voice. She wrapped her arms around her legs and hugged herself tighter. 

Her thighs chafed as she rocked herself. Sticky with drying fluids. Her stomach churned again as she realised what was causing the sticky feeling. She dashed to the bathroom and threw up once more. Clear greenish bile splashing into her toilet. She put a hand between her legs. She could *feel* it. She could feel his semen stuck to her. *Mulder's* semen. It had become like paper on her skin now it was dry and it crinkled off of her as she touched it. 

A persistent knocking came at her front door. No! She knew she deserved this but she was so terrified. It was the police. It had to be. It had taken longer than she thought it would. God, she was so scared. To be treated like a criminal. To be looked upon with such undisguised disgust. What would her mother think when she heard what her daughter had done? She'd be so disappointed in her when she found out. They'd probably interviewed Mulder first and then come to arrest her. That's why they had taken so long.

She felt like a candle in a whirlwind. She got up from the floor and walked to the front door. She tried not to let her thighs touch at all. She couldn't bare to feel him on her. She'd love the feeling of his essence on her if it had been under normal circumstances. Under *any* other circumstances. She wished she could have washed. They'd need her like this to retrieve as much evidence as possible though so she hadn't.

She opened the door without even bothering to look through the peephole. She had to face her fate.

It wasn't the police. It was Mulder


	3. Chapter 3

She let him in without a word. What could she possibly say? Her mind panicked at the sight of him

"You should go get changed, Scully. You can't be comfortable like that." Mulder told her calmly as he closed the door. She looked like a broken shell of herself. He felt awful for her. His beautiful Scully. How must she be feeling?

He knew what had happened was all kinds of fucked up but he wouldn't hold it against her. He couldn't. It wasn't her fault and even if he wasn't in love with her he still doubted he could see her punished for something she had done thanks to that asshole. She had been drugged and she wasn't in control of herself. It *wasn't* her fault.

Through the gaping blazer he could see her chest mottled with livid bruises. *He*'d done that to her. Her lip was split and there was dried blood marring her perfect features. He didn't even remember punching her face. He felt such remorse for it. How could he have hurt her.

Scully just stared at the floor. Her body felt weak. The come down from the drugs was hitting her and she felt heavy and dazed. Atleast that's what she thought it must be. Her mind was fragile. "Call the police, Mulder" She told him. She chanced a look at him. He looked no worse for wear and that comforted her a little. At least she hadn't hurt him physically. Although mental and emotional pain could often be so much worse. It created scars that would often never heal.

Mulder could tell he was going to have to take charge of this situation. She was far too broken. He'd never seen her like this and he had never thought he would. It scared him. *She* was the doctor in this partnership. 

She just couldn't think properly. She couldn't force her mind to work. It was a black void. She was overloaded with what she had done and she was effectively shutting down now that the adrenaline from the drugs had left her system. 

Mulder went to the bathroom without another word. He started to run her a bath. He had to help her. He had so many conflicting emotions but the strongest he felt was love. Pure and undiluted love for her. He would help her through this. He could tell that it had hurt her more. The disgust she felt for herself was evident even without words.

He had wanted their first time to be so much more than it was. He didn't know if it was rape. He'd told her to stop. He had wanted to stop her but... he'd wanted her. Was that rape? He didn't *feel* like he'd been raped. Should he feel hatred towards her. He just couldn't sort out his emotions. It wasn't what he had wanted but he couldn't bring himself to regret having sex with her.

He understood her self hatred. She felt like she'd forced him. Like it had only been a physiological response that had got him hard. It hadn't been. He guessed she *had* forced him but he didn't regret it. He didn't. It was all so fucking confusing.

He'd broken down things into single actions and stayed mindful of everything he did. That way he stayed focused on the here and now and didn't over think it. He'd taken a mindfulness course back in his Oxford days. Who'd have know it would come in so handy.

He had also decided to break down what had happened into something his brain could fathom. He loved Scully. He wanted Scully. Scully had had sex with him. Period. 

He *couldn't* hate what had happened. He should hate her but he just... couldn't. He hated how it had happened certainly and he hated what Scully was currently going through because of it but he didn't hate her. And he didn't really hate what had happened. He thought he should be sickened by that.

He walked back to the living room where Scully was balled up on the couch crying once the bath had filled. Those big beautiful blue eyes filled with more pain than he'd ever seen. He had to break thing's down into simple actions again.

"Let's get you washed up." He told her in what he hoped was a soothing voice. She just sobbed harder. Why was he being so nice to her? After what she'd done? What the hell was he even doing here? Where were the police? She didn't deserve his kindness. Maybe she had completely broken or lapsed into some kind of catatonic schizophrenia where none of this was really happening. 

"No. No. I can't destroy evidence. I can't... I can't..." She mumbled in total panic through her tears.

"Shh... I'm not going to the police, Scully." He leaned down to her on his haunches beside the couch. "I need you to calm down and go and wash up. Okay?" She buried her face in her knees. Her sobs echoing through his heart. She was always the strong one in their partnership and now that she needed him he wondered what he could do. He drew on all of his phsycology training. He'd get her through this.

He slowly reached out to touch her. Would she flinch away from him? Would she finally accept comfort from him? He didn't know what else to do and touching her had always helped him. He hoped to God it would help her too.

The second his hands touched her she flopped heavily into his waiting arms. She gripped him fiercely. He let his hands rub very gently over her back. Mindful of the bruises she would have there. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" She clutched tightly at his t-shirt. Giant heaving sobs flooding through her. Her face buried into him. 

"Shh... shh... it's ok." He said while stroking her hair. Why did this have to happen to them. To *her*. They'd never be able to go back to the way things were before. He wanted to start the day over so badly. The desire to make this better twisted and writhed like a physical pain inside of him. 

She eventually stopped crying and she just clung onto him. Even when she had hurt him so badly he was still the only person she wanted with her. Her breathing had slowed a little. She had to be in terrible anguish. He needed to make sure none of her wounds were severe and get her cleaned up. 

"Can you go for a bath for me, Scully. Can you do that?" He asked her as if it was a favour to him and maybe it was. He felt her shake her head against his chest and mumble something unintelligible against him. She sobbed out again. Fuck. He didn't want her to start crying again! "It's ok, honey. I can help you" He said. 'Honey'? Where had that come from? 

She couldn't feel anything. Mulder would help her. He'd help her. That was all she knew. Her brain was vacant of any real thought. She felt exhausted. Her mind shutting down. What had happened had been too much for even her and her brain shied away from the excruciating pain. 

He moved to look at her. Her eyes were so vacant that she scared him. Should he take her to hospital? His phsycology degree kicked in again. She was going to be fine. She just needed to give her brain time to process what was happening. It devastated him to see her like this. So overwhelmed that she couldn't take it. He'd talk her through this. He knew he had to help her. 

"I'm going to pick you up now, Scully" He told her gently as though explaining something to a child. He reached down and hooked his arm under her bare legs. He grimaced at the sticky feeling there. She was crying again. Silently this time. Streams of tears rushing down her cheeks. Leaving thick lines of make-up less porcelain skin. Her beautiful face crumpled up. Her mouth downturned. "Ok, here we go." He said and lifted her. She was so light. His brain scolded him again. How could he not have moved such a delicate form. He hardly even felt her weight as he walked them both to the bathroom. Scully clutched tightly to him.

Mulder carefully placed her down on the cool tiled floor. Her bare feet must be freezing on it but she just stood there. She looked confused and so vulnerable. Her arms wrapped around her chest. Heedless of the fact that her bruised breast was almost completely falling out of her blazer. He felt his face twist in sorrow. She looked up at him with a questioning gaze. 

She was so childlike right now. She was going into herself and letting her body go on auto pilot. He had seen in many times before but only in victims of extreme abuse. It was her minds way of protecting her. It was under the umbrella terms that he had studied that helped define the characteristics of an abused adult or adolescent. It was rather simply and unimaginatively termed as 'dependency'. She needed him.

She couldn't handle what she had done and her brain was trying to deal with it in anyway it could.

"Ok, Scully. Why don't you go ahead and get in the bath." She blinked at him with wide doe eyes and started to climb in. "Oh. No, no, no." Her face crumpled down. She sobbed out once and then she started to cry again. She'd done what he asked. What had she done wrong? She slumped to the floor and started rocking herself in comfort. 

"It's ok. It's my fault, honey. Lets just take your clothes off first." She sniffled out and stared at her dainty feet. She didn't move. He pulled her to her feet. "I can help you." He said to her. She was so fragmented she couldn't do it herself. He shouldn't have expected her to. 

Mulder started to slowly undress her. Jesus, each inch of her from the waist up was covered in a horrific mottle of green, black, red and yellow. They looked so painful! The bruises a stark reminder of what had happened.

She just stood there letting him shed her clothing. She hissed out as he brushed over a particularly painful one. "Sorry" He mumbled. He didn't want to make any reference to the bruises. He didn't want to remind her of what had happened. She was basically catatonic in her pain. It wouldn't help to remind her of any of the nights events.

He unzipped her skirt at the side. She was so gorgeous. Her pubic hair shaved into a perfectly neat line that started just above her lips. It was such a gorgeous colour, a deep rich brownish red. She stayed still and stared at him. At least she'd stopped crying. He didn't know what else to say to her and his voice had seemed to sooth her so he started to sing to her. Singing Elvis's The Wonder of You seemed like a decent choice. 

"Ok, honey. Let's get you into the tub." He couldn't be sure why 'honey' kept falling out of his mouth. Maybe because it sounded so much like 'Scully'. He'd never called a woman honey before. It fit her though he thought. 

She was like a doll in his arms. Letting him do what he wanted. He eased her into the water. It was luke warm at best now but she didn't complain. "M...Mulder... Sorry, Mulder." It was a whisper, a sob and sounded like a prayer all at the same time. She started to shake silently in the bath. She pulled her knees up to her breasts and rocked a little. The water slopping up the sides as she did. 

"Shh... shh. Let's just get you cleaned up." He didn't want to hear her talking about it. Not right now. She wasn't ready to deal with it yet. He kept chatting away and singing to her as he bathed her gently. He'd never given someone a bath before. It was oddly relaxing and sensual. He'd have to do this again some time under better circumstances. 

He finished washing her, he'd even managed to wash her hair with some difficulty. "We're all finished now, Scully." He grabbed a towel from the rack and held his hand out to her. She took it. She slipped suddenly. He dropped the towel and grabbed onto a very naked Scully.

"No! No! Please, please! I don't want to. I don't want to hurt him. Please. I love him so much. No! Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it..." She clutched naked to him and kept repeating herself over and over again. She was screaming and crying on him.

Mulder had no idea what to do. His body was reacting a little to having her naked against him. But his heart broke for her so much that it tempered it completely. She'd said she loved him?! What the hell. Did she wants him like he wanted her? She couldn't possibly. Mulder hoped she did. Maybe this could be fixed after all. He couldn't think past this moment though. He had to stay strong for her.

"Woah, woah. It's me, Scully. It's Mulder. You're safe, Scully. You're home. You're safe" He steadied her and got the towel again. He wrapped her up in it and carried her though to her bedroom. He put her on the bed. He started singing to her again.

Scully smiled a little at him. She was coming back to herself slowly. She was still pretty out of it but she was getting back to herself. 

"I'm just going to dry you." He told her as he started rubbing the towel over her naked form. 

She was so fucking beautiful! He wished so much that this was different. He wanted to see her in a different capacity. She was naked and wet and laying on bed. He squashed it all down. 

"There we go. Clean and dry." He told her. He went to her drawers and opened a few before finding her pajamas. They were so neatly organised. So Scully! He subconsciously retrieved his favorite pair. A light blue silky pair of piped pyjamas. 

"Ok, let's just get these on you." He took the trousers and pulled them over her shapely legs. He pushed aside any lustrous thoughts. He would *not* think of her like this when she was so helpless. He pulled her up gently. Was he meant to put something on her bruises? He tried to ask her but she just stared at him in confusion. She sat meekly at the aide of her bed swinging her feet. He arms sitting primly on her lap. "Arms up." He told her and put the top on her.

"Thank you, Mulder" She said. He jumped at her voice. It was the first time she spoken since her meltdown. He said nothing back to her. She started to swing her legs faster and squirm a little. Her face screwing up.

"What's wrong, honey?" Mulder asked her.

"Umm... need. Need the bathroom" Oh, she needed to pee. She looked embarrassed that she'd told him. Embarrassed that she didn't just go herself. Tears of shame glistened in her eyes.

"That's fine. Come on." He took her hand and walked her through to the bathroom. She wouldn't let go of his hand and walked straight in with him. 

She started to pull down her trousers. Mulder turned to leave. "Sing to me again" She demanded of him as he heard her start to urinate. 

Mulder sang to her the whole time with his back to her. She didn't want him to leave and if he was honest he didn't want to leave her in this state.

Who knew Scully would break like this. Christ, it was heart wrenching to see. 

She finished and flushed. She washed her hands and took his in hers again. She walked them both through to her bedroom. Mulder really didn't want to leave her but he knew he probably should let her rest alone. He turning to go. He turned on his heel when he heard her sob. 

"You're not going to stay with me?" She whispered "It's because of what I've done." She started to cry quietly into her duvet cover. "I hurt you." She clutched at herself and burrowed deeper into her covers. 

Mulder rushed to her side. He didn't want her to feel like this. He stroked her side. He could feel her shaking a little under his touch. "I hurt you." She whispered again into the covers. 

"No, Scully. You didn't. I'm not hurt." He told her honestly. She hadn't hurt him. Not at all. He didn't know much at the moment but he knew that. 

He had been the one that had hurt her. Her split lip alone was enough to make him want to flay himself. He felt awful for it. What was he meant to have done though? 

She just mumbled into her covers. The scent of home seemed to be calming her. Mulder stripped off his clothes down to his boxers. She seen him in less so he doubted she'd mind. Or would it scare her? She was in a very delicate state right now and he couldn't do anything to make it worse 

He hoped he'd managed to ease her mind a little. That he'd helped her see she wasn't evil or bad. She'd said she loved him. Granted it was in the middle of a breakdown but she'd still said it. That's the happiness he was going to take away from today. He got into bed beside her and thanked God it didn't creak. Scully must have still be awake as the second his body lay completely on the bed she threw her silk covered arm around him hugged him close. "I don't want to hurt you again, Mulder." She whispered to him. He sensed she didn't want him to respond so he just hugged her back silently. They fell asleep like that


	4. Chapter 4

Scully woke up confused and disorientated. How did she get in bed? She felt a sudden shocking stab of fear when she felt someone move beside her. The panic rising in her stomach and plummeting in her chest. It was still semi dark out. She reached over and flipped on the bedside light relieved that the location of it signified she was at least in her on bedroom. 

She turned sharply over to see who the mystery person was. Her hand reaching for the drawer in her bedside table where her gun was inside. 

Mulder's topless sleeping form greeted her and she smiled. In a instant her smile fell. She noticed claw like scratches on his naked chest. It rushed back to her. She'd done that. Oh God, *she'd* done that. 

Her heart went tachycardic straight away. The days event's slamming into her. She was so fucking evil. She'd *forced* him. *Raped* him. Fuck! 

She felt mortified as well. What the hell had been her deal last night. Acting like a traumatised child. How humiliating! She didn't know whether to be happy or sad that she remembered everything. 

She buried her face into her hands. She'd let Mulder bathe her. She'd urinated in front of him and forced him to sing to her. God, she'd been so out of it she'd even tried to get in the bath with her clothes on. She was *so* humiliated!

What should she do now? He wasn't going to call the police. That was good, wasn't it? She still thought she deserved it but she had to admit that it made her feel better. Less afraid. She had been so scared of being treated like a criminal even if that's what she was. 

She went to roll out of bed and groaned aloud in pain. Fuck, that hurt. Her whole torso felt like it was a thobbing ache. She froze as Mulder grumbled in his sleep when she groaned. "'S, kay, scu." He mumbled. She felt tears prick at her eyes. 

Why was he even here? Why did he care? He was even trying to comfort her in his sleep. She felt a lone tear slide down her face and angrily swiped it away. She was so done crying! She hated to be weak! She would *not* cry. 

Ahab always told her that it served no purpose other than to dehydrate you. You had to face what made you upset head on and fix it. It wasn't as it she could fix this though. 

She stood up and got out of bed slowly and quietly. She didn't want to wake him. She couldn't deal with the look on his face right now. How could she ever face him again? She knew he had basically already forgiven her. Why else would he be here? Why would he not have called the police? Why would he have spent the entire night helping her? He'd forgiven her. She didn't deserve his forgiveness! She didn't deserve anything from him. 

She walked silently to the bathroom and pulled the light cord. She nearly jumped in fright at her own reflection. The sight was awful! She was pale and sallow. Her skin an awful ashen colour. Her split lip had scabbed over and she had a livid bruise on her cheek speckled with broken capillaries. She moved her mind into 'Doctor mode' and gently removed her pyjama shirt. The sight that greeted her made her stomach roll but she tried fervently to see it as if it was someone else's body.

Her entire chest and stomach looked like one huge bruise. Only some small square inches of her normal ivory skin popped though. How much had he tried to get her off? Oh, Mulder. I'm so sorry. He really hadn't wanted her! She had tried to convince herself that the only reason he had tried to push her off was because she was drugged. Not that that made it too much better. It was still rape but it had made her feel slightly better.

Now she knew that he had definitely not wanted her. He'd really, really tried to stop her. The bruises were a tribute to that. It had only been a physiological reaction. Not the desire she longed for it to be.

He just saw her as his best friend, nothing more. It made her feel all the more sick with herself. She loved him so much that the very idea of hurting him was abhorrent to her. But, she had. She'd hurt him mentally and he'd hurt her physically. Scully was sure there was something vaguely poetic about that. 

It was such a strange thing to think about. It was less than 12 hours ago but it felt like it almost hadn't happened. Like some waking dream. She felt like she was *watching* herself as she did it. Rather than *being* herself. She knew she had done it and she felt disgusted with herself for it but because it was so out of character for her she almost couldn't believe it had actually been her.

Scully knew it didn't make sense to feel that way. Despite what Mulder thought she *had* read a phsycology book or two. What she was experiencing was aptly named dissociation. She was trying to dissociate from what she'd done. To separate herself from her actions. To remove it and compartmentalise it.

She nearly stopped herself from putting cream on her bruises. They reminded her of what she'd done. Of how bad she was. They gave her a pain she knew she deserved. She knew that if Mulder seen them now that they had really come into their own he'd be horrified at what he'd done so she liberally covered them all in arnica cream. It was a must have for all bruises. It soothed the pain and helped with the inflammation and redness. She hoped they would calm down quickly.

She would still keep them covered from Mulder at all costs but considering her embarrassing little break down last night she had to be prepared for the worst.

What if she did that again? What if Mulder had to look after his rapist to save her from the loony bin. She was so deeply ashamed of what she had done. She just couldn't seem to break out of the strange emptiness that had consumed her. If it hadn't been for Mulder she'd probably have ended up dribbling on the couch until her mum had her sectioned for her own safety. 

Scully had never done anything like that. She didn't break. She didn't cry. Never.

She knew it was because it had all become too much for her. Not even just the rape but everything she'd ever done. She had always keep a tight constriction on herself and clearly the loss of control had severely damaged her phyce. It had forced her mind to fragment. She hoped it meant she could build herself up stronger somehow. She now understood that perhaps control and independence weren't such a good thing all the time. It was a life long habit that would be hard to break though.

She forced herself to think about every moment of last night slowly. She wouldn't make the same mistake of diving in and breaking down. Every time she felt herself slipping away into her mind she pulled back and waited. Then pushed again. Dissecting and analysing every single thing she'd done. 

She felt like she had a better understanding of what had happened, not only in regards to raping Mulder but also her little escape from reality in which her partner had lovingly bathed her and looked after her. An understanding but not an acceptance. Not yet.

It had been over an hour that she sat there on the closed toilet lid. She had been alternating between silently weeping and dealing with what she'd done the whole time. 

She realised that the drugs had affected her just as they had every other person who had been spiked with them. She had to face the fact that she wasn't a super woman and that she couldn't control everything in her life. It was definitely an issue that she would have to work through extensively. 

After the hour she did feel like she was a bit stronger and hopefully more able to deal with what would happen when Mulder woke up.


	5. Chapter 5

Mulder blinked his eyes slowly open. That was the best nights sleep he'd had in years. He remembered with a jolt everything that had happened. If he was honest with himself the main thing he remembered with crystal clarity was washing Scully. Christ, her skin had been so soft. So prefect. It had been such an amazing moment to him. She had looked at him with such trust. He wished she had been completely compos mentis but it had been beautiful regardless of her state of mind. 

He rolled over to embrace her. He didn't want her to feel such guilt over what had happened when she awoke. It hadn't been her fault. He was actually glad it had happened in some weird twisted way now that he'd had the chance to take it in. It could open up more in their relationship. All the others who had been drugged had gone for the ones they loved. Had she? It might help lift them out of the purgatory he felt they had been in for too long. Maybe take them out of the odd ambivalent position they'd been in.

In the cool sunlight he felt happy. Actually happy! How crazy was that? How crazy was he!? But seeing Scully writhing on top of him wasn't a memory he'd give up for anything in the world. He wondered if that did make him sick. He did wish more than anything in the world that it had been different. That it was done as a result of desire and love. Not the result of a potent cocktail of drugs.

She had let him give her a bath. She'd slept beside him all night. His heart leapt at it all. He wondered how she felt. Would she want to sort through all of this and build on it as he did or would she stick her head in the sand like always.

He jumped up out of bed the moment he realised that Scully was gone. Fuck. Where was she? He glanced over to her clock radio. It was after ten. Jesus, he *never* slept this late. 

"Scully?! Scully. Where are you honey?" He shouted out to her. He was already in the middle of a mad dash to the living room to look for her. 

"I'm right here, Mulder. Calm down." Scully's voice was calm and assured. Her usual demeanour completely recovered. He walked towards the sound of her voice in the kitchen. She promptly stood up for the small dining table. "You're welcome to have some breakfast before you go. I've just made some coffee. I'm going to get dressed" She told him and left the room in haste. 'Before you go'? That's what she said. She wanted him to leave. To ignore last night. He had been expecting anger. Maybe even resentment, fear or sadness but not total ignorance. What the hell? He'd been given the Scully version of 'fuck off'

Mulder was completely dumb struck. He stood in her wake. He had noticed that she held her hands up close to her neck. She had been trying to pull it off as a natural position but she wasn't fooling anyone. She was covering up her bruises. The ones he'd given her. It was a complete head fuck. She was so screwed up last night and now, what? Now she was fine!? He doubted it! 

Mulder went and sat down. He was *not* going to leave. That was a fucking laugh. He was going to stay here and talk to her when she came out. That was an even bigger laugh he thought bitterly. Him and Scully talk. Hah. That would be the day. He'd been inside of her for God's sake but he doubted that actually talking was on the table.

He poured his coffee even though he questioned whether he could keep it down. The happiness from this morning still dwindled in his mind even with her coldness towards him. He sat staring at his drink as steam rose from it. His mind working overtime. What should he do? He doubted there was any kind of protocol for this.

How dare she anyway, he thought. He had looked after her all night. He'd helped her! Was this punishment for hitting her? She *had* forced him even though on some level he'd wanted it. Wanted her. Still, giving him the cold shoulder was a total dick move. He deserved something from her. Some kind of sign that she even *cared*. He felt himself getting more and poor pissed off at her as he sat there. How dare she basically tell him to leave. To act as if nothing had happened. How *fucking* dare she! 

Screw this he thought and after only a minute or so of sitting there with nothing but his rage he stormed to her bedroom door and threw it open.

Scully stood there naked from the waist up rubbing more cream onto herself in front of a full length mirror. Shit, she looked awful. Her beautiful milky white skin was absolutely covered in bruises. Bruises that he knew matched his fists. 

She whipped around at the sound of the door. Her arms flying over her breasts. Her expression was terrified.

"Jesus, Mulder. Do you mind? Get out!" She clutched at her chest. Trying in vain to move her arms so that they covered up more of her bruised body and kept her breasts covered. Her bottom lip was trembling ever so slightly. She sucked it carefully into her mouth making sure not to reopen the cut. Her eyes were wet although she held the tears back well. Same old Scully. Even when she was black and blue she was still 'fine'.

"I...I'm sorry but we need to talk, Scully." He said to her. His voice taking on a calming note again. Seeing those bruises had completely rid him of whatever misguided happiness he'd been feeling. He'd *done* that to her. He would rather suffer any number of torments than hurt her but the proof that he had was right in front if him. Her eyes flicked away from him. She pursed her lips, looked at the floor and raised her eyebrow's. She took a deep swallow and he saw the tendons in her neck tighten. She took a moment before she even bothered to look back at him again. 

When her eyes met his they looked closed off. She was, once again, too controlled for her own good. Why did it gave to be black and white with her? She was either so out of control, like last night, where she'd needed him badly or so completely in control that she could face anything and everything all alone.

"I don't see that there's anything to talk about, Mulder. We both know what happened. You decided not to call the police, which I am very grateful for. What else is there to talk about?" She looked almost exacerbated with him. He didn't know how to feel. What should he feel? 

"Seriously, Scully?... we *need* to talk about this!" He couldn't take it. How could she just pretend that everything was ok? He was *not* going to let her get out of this. She had to be suffering. How could she do this to him? Treat him like she didn't care. He was her best friend. Didn't he deserve to at least be let in through her walls a little?

"Listen, Mulder. There is *nothing* to discuss. What do you want me to say?... You want me to say that I'm sorry? I did that... You want me to have a break down? I did that too... I can't make it better, Mulder. I can't *fix* this. I know what I did, ok? But it's done. What is there to talk about?... Now if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could get out if my bedroom. I'm getting dressed." With that she turned her back on him. Effectively trying to end the conversation and telling him even through her body language to get out. Mulder saw further bruising on her back. How the hell had he even managed to hit her there? She kept rubbing on cream. Ignoring his presence. Mulder knew she was hurting and just trying to remain her usual stoic self. He had to fight his way in.

"Let me get your back, Scully" Mulder said hoping that she'd give him an inch. He was going to ease her into their much needed conversation. He knew that her cool facade masked her internal despair. He had to find a way to chip in through the walls she'd obviously built up this morning. He wondered absently what time she'd woken up and what she'd done during her waking hours to return to his stoic Scully. His? Was she his? He'd always felt like she was his even if he never fully admitted it even to himself. 

"Fine, Mulder" She eventually said, still with her back to him. He'd almost given up on a response and was about to head back to the kitchen and wait for her. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. She hadn't wanted him to see her bruises but what did it matter now? He'd already seen them when he'd marched into her room uninvited. What difference would it make? 

If she was completely honest with herself she wanted him to touch her. Not romantically but just to comfort her. Last night had been wonderful. Well, apart from what had happened at his apartmen. Scully wished she had been in complete possession of her mind when he'd cared for her. Sleeping beside him all night had been wonderful. She'd never felt so loved and safe. She wanted that again even if only for a moment. 

Mulder grabbed the tube from the bed where she'd thrown it down once she consented to him putting it on. Scully tried to keep the front of her body away from him at all costs. Her arms a solid shield wrapped around her naked breasts. He had already seen her naked and she wasn't ashamed nor modest about her body but it seemed wrong to allow him to see her naked again, especially given the circumstances. So she kept her arms up covering herself. 

He seemed less traumatised than she thought he'd be. She didn't want to screw that up somehow but she didn't know the best course of action to take. It was selfish beyond belief to take comfort in him considering what she had done to him but she needed it. She needed to just feel safe and happy. Just for a moment.

He rubbed in the cream so gently she could hardly even feel his touch but she could feel it's soothing effects instantly. She let out a small contented relieved hum and immediately chastised herself. What the hell was she playing at? This was so fucking cruel! So selfish! Letting the man she'd raped rub cream into her bruises and practically moaning in his arms. Jesus, how insensitive could she be. This was entirely inappropriate!

She snapped out of her calm feeling. "Thank you, that should be enough. I need to get dressed now." She said. He stopped straight away. It *wasn't* enough. Not nearly. She missed him with such an unbearable ache and her body longed for more of the sweet relief that came from the cream. She was such a mess. She kept her back turned and seen him throw the cream back on the bed. She let out tears of confusion. She didn't even know what she felt. How was she meant to feel? Her shoulder shook a little bit with her sobs. 

Mulder hadn't left the room like she thought he had. He stayed behind her. He could tell she was crying again. God, he hated to think she was crying. He hated that in a way it was because if him. Her hands left her breasts and she covered her face trying to muffle her sobs. She obviously thought he was in the living room and was trying to stay quiet. 

He wanted to pull her into his arms and let her cry it all out. He wanted to chase away the pain she was in. How could he make her see that it wasn't her fault. It was the drugs and he certainly didn't think less of her for it. He didn't know if he should comfort her though. He decided he didn't care. She needed comfort and he knew he needed it too. If they were going to heal from this they had to do it together. 

Mulder pulled her gently against him. Her back against his chest. He was going to tell her everything that was on his mind but as soon as his hands touched her waist she startled with a gasp and pulled away quickly. 

"You need to go, Mulder. Please just" She sobbed "just get out" she had spun around to tell him and he saw the panic in her face. She fidgeted with her arms and hands. Moving them from trying to shield her nude breasts and trying to cover and wipe away her tears. 

"No" He said as calmly as he could with a shake of his head. What else was there to say really? He could tell she needed him and he wasn't going to leave her. They were going to have this out come hell or high water. He moved closer to her but she back away.

"For fuck's sake! Just get out!" She screamed at him. He'd never heard her use profanity before. Well... except when she was on top of him, that is. It shocked him a little but he wouldn't be dissuaded.

"No" He moved closer to her again. Slowly but with intent. Her tears were starting to flow in earnest. 

"Get the fuck out!" She yelled through sobs. 

"No" He was right beside her now and she was backed up to the bed completely. She panicked having nowhere to go. 

"Get out! Get out!" She pushed at his chest with all her might. He didn't move an inch. Her tears cascading down her face. Sobs wracking her tiny body. "Get out!" She sobbed out again. He put his arms around her. She pushed and struggled. "Get out... get out." Her voice a mere whisper as she collapsed into him. He stumbled a little and enfolded her in his warm embrace.

He realised they were both topless but the thought vanished as fast as it had come. She clutched at him and cried. Her chwst heaving against his. Her body going limp. He followed her to the floor, buckling with her. Her cries and sorrowful moans filled the room. 

"Shh... shh. It's ok, Scully" She was pushing at him and breaking down. Crying desperately. He heard her murmuring something over and over and over. Mulder moved his head down closer to her to try and hear her. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" She whimpered out next to his chest. He felt his own tears slip down his cheeks. He couldn't stand to see her so broken. He wept with her there on her bedroom floor with his arms stroking up and down her back. 

"It's ok, Scully. Let it all out, honey. It was *not* your fault." She clutched at him tighter and let out an anguished wail. He didn't think she believed him. She hated herself but he'd spend the rest of his life convincing her that she deserved forgiveness and love. "It's *not* your fault" He repeated. She pulled back a little.

Her face meeting his. She was gorgeous even like this. Her hair dishevelled. Tears staining her bruised cheeks. Her sapphire eyes full of remorse. What touched him the most though was the unguarded complete and utter trust and love he saw there. 

He leaned his forehead on hers. Their tears mixing together as they chased each other's down their bodies. He wanted to kiss her so badly. To kiss away the sorrow and pain that she had. Her lip was only just starting to heal though and he highly doubted she would welcome a kiss from him. He settled on pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead. Her breath hitched on a gasp and she put her hands at the nape of his neck. He let go and went back to hugging her. She gripped at his neck and sobbed into him.

Her tears ran dry eventually and her body stopped shaking. He pulled away from her and smiled gently down at her. He didn't know where to go from this moment but he knew it was progress. 

He pulled them both to their feet and turned her around again. He picked up the cream and started rubbing it in her back again without a word. She didn't speak either but the silence wasn't unheard of for them. 

"Thank you, Mulder" She said once he'd finished. He could tell that she wasn't just thanking him for rubbing the cream into the places she couldn't reach.

"It's not a problem, Scully." He was reluctant to pull away from her. To break the physical connection. He hoped it wouldn't break the emotional one. "It's past lunch time. Do you fancy ordering in from that deli you like? I won't even laugh when you steal my fries even though you swear you just want a salad." He said jokingly to her with a waggle of his eyebrow's. He didn't want to draw attention to what had just happened and he hoped bantering with her would ease the tension.

She turned to him and covered her chest. She sniffled a little then nodded to him. "I'd like that" She said giving him her Mona Lisa smile.

He was overwhelming glad she was going to let him stay. This was definitely something that would take her time to talk about or get over but he was willing and happy to be here as much as she needed him. 

"Great. I'll go call in the order. The usual? And let you get dressed." He gave her a grin and turned to leave. 

"Mulder." She called when he got to the door. He spun back and questioned her with his eyes. 

"Get me some fries too" Scully said with a glint in her eyes. He let out a small chuckle and left her to get changed.


	6. Chapter 6

Mulder called up the deli and placed their order, making sure to get Scully her fries. He also called Skinner and requested the week off for them both. Skinner was shocked but uncharacteristically glad. They were *finally* taking some vacation time, it was clearly a load off his mind. He'd been trying to subtly force them to take their vacation time for months. He had rules to adhere to and entitled holiday pay to sort out. 

Mulder just told him that the case had taken more out of both of them than he thought. He didn't mention anything more. Skinner didn't care what the reason was and he told Mulder that. He seemed in a hurry to get him off the phone lest he change his mind about taking the time off.

He wondered briefly if Scully would be pissed at him for making her take time off but Mulder was sure it would take atleast that long for her bruises to heal and she'd be thankful to avoid the stares of other agents. 

Scully was taking much longer than he thought necessary to get changed so he went and tentatively knocked on her bedroom door.

"Come in, Mulder" He heard her call and opened the door. She sat in jeans and a long sleeved white t-shirt brushing out her hair. She had somehow managed to tame her wavy locks into her usual sleek bob. She still hadn't done her make up and he wondered if she would. He hoped not, surely it would irritate her sore and sensitive skin. He wanted those bruises to fade as fast as possible and irritating them wouldn't help heal them. They were an awful reminder of the pain he'd inflicted upon her. He wanted them gone!

"What's up?" She asked him. He needed clothes he guessed but really he had just wanted to come in and make sure she was ok. She was back to her usual self. He wondered if doing her hair had helped her go into her usual persona. Like it was somehow a crutch. Having her hair done in its usual style maybe helped her restore some kind of normality to what was a hell of a bad situation.

"Got any clothes here for me, Scully?" He caught her looking slowly over his boxer clad form. She licked her lips, flushed briefly and nodded. 

"Uh, yeah. Actully there's a go bag of yours in the closet" Scully told him and walked over to get it.

"Thanks." He told her when she passed it to him. He remembered leaving it here now, for emergencies. At the time he had packed the bag it had been in preperation of any emergency cases that might come up while he was here. He hoped there was more than just business suits and pajama bottoms in it. 

He left without a word and went into the bathroom to change. He rummaged through the bag. Damn it. No luck in not having to wear sweats or a suit. He never exactly had this situation in mind when he'd packed it. He definitely didn't want to sit in the same jeans as last night but no way was he going to sit sweaty and uncomfortable in a business suit. That left only the sweats. Would she think he was a slob if he just wore them? He pulled out every single item in the bag and was grateful to his past self for atleast packing a t-shirt. He sometimes wore one to bed on really cold nights. He'd obviously prepared for the worst. 

He got changed quickly into his sweats and white t-shirt. He didn't want to think about how Scully would disapprove of him lounging about like he was perfectly at home in her house but he didn't have much choice. He brushed his teeth. Thank fuck he'd packed that stuff too. His teeth felt like they were wearing little woolen sweaters. Yech! 

Mulder came out of the bathroom just as the front door went. It was past the lunch rush so it hadn't taken that long to get here. He went and payed for it. Scully was still in her bedroom. Jesus, how long did she take to get organised? He worried that she was spending the time making herself feel even worse and working herself into a state. 

He knocked on her door again. "Lunch, Scully." He told her. Hoping like hell that she would be ok and that she'd come out of her haven.

She had seemed fine after her crying fit on the floor but who knew. Woman were a mystery to him and Scully was the epitome of that. He *never* knew what was going on in her head. 

He opened the door to find Scully wincing as she tried to put on makeup. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" She said back on a snide voice. 

"Scully" Mulder whined. He knew it was a whine but he couldn't help his tone. Why the hell was she forcing more suffering on herself. 

"It's just foundation, Mulder." She snipped back at him. Was he meant to know what the hell that was? Was it like a moisturiser or something? It looked like a strange skin coloured goop. His mind kicked in. Foundation. Like a house. A first layer of make-up. 

"It'll irritate your skin" He told her. 

"Does it matter?" She asked and he could hear the disgust and sorrow in her voice. He rushed over to her and kneeled on the floor beside her vanity table. She looked down at him with her eyebrows raised and watery eyes. 

"It matters, Scully" He told her and gently took the tube out of her hands. "Take it off and put some of that cream on instead" He seldom told her flat out what to do. Even when he did she seldom did what he'd asked and definitely not without protest. She was a little rebellious. Always asserting her independence even when it wasn't in her best interests. Mulder found it incredibly endearing. There was so much to Scully. "Please" He added when she just glared at him.

Scully felt so embarrassed by the visible sign of what he'd had to do to try and protect himself. She didn't want to show it off and make up would hide it. It was like a sick badge of honor. 'I raped my best friend, here's the proof'. How could she put him through looking at it all day? Then again he had told her not to wear makeup and he was right it would cause an unnecessary irritant.

Scully signed in resignation and took out a wipe from a green package and gently wiped it off. It reveled the horrible bruise but it also showed all her gorgeous freckles and that tiny beauty mark. Mulder had been too preoccupied with her welfare to notice them properly last night or this morning. Now he could barely take his eyes off of her. He loved her freckles! She looked so carefree and young with them. Like a happy college student. They softened her. Her slightly harsh demeanour calmed down significantly by there presence.

She rubbed in some cream gently and he could tell she was putting a brave face on the pain of having to rub the swollen bruise. Her cheek was now turning a deep black and blue. He was revolted that he'd caused that. He wanted to take it away so much. To make it better.

Mulder chastised himself for staring at her flawless features. What the hell was he doing? She was traumatised anf he was checking her out. He could help it though.

Scully thought he was just checking the damage he'd had to do to try and stop her or perhaps he was judging her application of the cream. She smiled self conciously at him. 

"Come on. Let's go eat." He took her hand and pulled her up and into the living room. She went with him willingly. Not even red hot pokers would make her admit that she liked the feel of his hand in her's. She drew such comfort and strength from him. It was incredible. *He* was incredible. God, she loved him so much. How could she have done this to them?!

She clutched his hand tightly as he led them to the couch. She felt bereft when he let go and sat down. She didn't deserve more and she couldn't push anything. Even the slightest thing could make him run from her. His rapist. She fought back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her again. 

Scully knew she was reading too much into all of his actions. He was being physically closer than he normally was. Since when did he hold her hand? He was just doing what he always did and putting her needs before himself. It was the way he was. The way he *always* was. It was the status quo. Jesus. He even tried to put her emotional state first after she had abused him. He obviously sensed that the physical closeness was calming to her so he did it despite his own discomfort.

She felt as though he held woman, all woman, on some kind of strange pedestal after what had happened to his sister. Like if he could save them he'd have somehow made it right. It was never enough for him though. No matter how many woman he tried to help he'd never bring back Samantha. This new turn in their relationship was just predictable Mulder behaviour or so Scully thought.

It wasn't about her. It couldn't be. Not his comforting touches nor how tenderly he had looked after her. It wasn't for her, not really. She was just a replacement. She'd ruined things and she was broken and Mulder thought that if he helped her he himself would somehow be saved.

She wished it was about her. God, she wanted him to love her. That was so unbelievably ridiculous after what she'd done. She knew that if she'd had any hope at all with him it had shattered the moment she'd forced him. 

She'd lusted after him right from the start, if she was honest. More importantly she had trusted him. It had morphed at some point. She couldn't tell when. It felt like one day she just woke up and couldn't recall a time when she hadn't loved him and wanted him desperately.

Scully thought that at one point he might have looked at her as a potential mate. That was blown to hell now and that was perhaps even more upsetting than anything else. Now she was just another broken soul he wanted to save.

 

He handed her her food and waggled his eyebrow's as he gave her the fries. She gave him a shy half smile and he chuckled.

She dug in to the greasy fries first. She was starving. She hadn't eaten breakfast, not that Mulder needed to know that. Her only sustenance had been a small tuna salad sandwich at the police department last night in between questioning Gibson. She felt absolutely ravenous. The grease coated the roof of her mouth in the best possible way. It soothed her cut lip and made her salivary glands dance around happily. She swore it was the best thing she'd ever tasted.

"Good?" Mulder chuckled at her. 

"Mmpff" She mumbled and threw a fry at him. Much to her annoyance he had sensed it coming and caught it with his hand and shoved it in his mouth.

"Mmm...I'd say so." She scowled at him. It felt amazing to have a little fun with him but she knew it wasn't real. It was probably his way of trying to deal with what she'd done to him. As well as trying to feed his weird hero syndrome. 

She kept reminding herself that this was screwed up. That you did *not* act this way with someone you had raped. But... it was Mulder. Her best friend and the man she was in love with. He didn't know that and she prayed he never found out but it made it impossible to just brush him off. To ignore his teasing and playful mood. Even though she knew she should.

She was in two minds about everything. One half of her was almost glad she'd been drugged since it seemed to be bringing them closer but the other half of her was utterly disgusted. She knew she was taking advantage out of his need to 'save' woman but she couldn't help it. Did that make her even worse? Atleast she'd had the drugs to blame before. Now she was sure she was using his own nature against him. How screwed up was that? She hated herself.

She did a better hold on what had happened when she'd raped him and she was starting to think that maybe it *was* just the drugs. That didn't excuse her behaviour right now though! She wasn't evil, was she? It still scared her that she had liked it. Was it just Mulder she had liked or had her need for control turned into a sick perverted desire. She didn't know and that terrified her. She thought she knew everything about herself. Even the things she was ashamed of. She just couldn't untangle this new part of herself. 

They ate in silence for a while. Neither daring to break the good mood between them. Mulder knew they needed to talk. This was obviously something that could either make or break them so they had to talk it out. He'd wait until she finished her fries though. She was so freaking cute! He'd never seen her hork down food before. She must be starving and an awkward conversation was worse on an empty stomach, he was sure. 

Scully stole sideways glances at him as they ate. She knew he was just waiting to talk to her. She thought this must be how suspects felt while they waited in an interview room to be question. God, she was so scared! What could she possibly say to him? She couldn't lie, not to him.

She's never been a good liar anyway. Always the first of her siblings to admit to any wrong doing when asked. Much to her brothers and sister's annoyance. Eventually they stopped telling her about their mischief and just came clean when she happened to have been witness to it. Rather then get caught up in a lie and punished more severely.

What could she tell him though? He'd heard all the reports just as she had and the victim's who were drugged went for the ones they loved or desired. Would he know that's what she'd done too? He didn't seem as sickened by her actions as she was. But that didn't mean he wasn't. He'd go to the ends of the earth to protect her, even from herself. He was just protecting her and in doing so protecting some pseudo sister. 

Mulder finished his sizable meatball sub and fries. Scully sat picking at her salad. She'd wolfed down her fries but now her appetite seemed non existent. He watched her for a moment. He wanted to break down those walls she'd built back up. He wanted to tell her that she was perfect. That he loved her. That he wanted to be with her again. That he didn't blame her. There was so much he wanted to talk to her about. He hadn't even told her about their time off. Hell, he hadn't even asked her if she was on some kind of birth control. He thought that was just a but too much to ask just now and he'd been conciously ignoring the thought of his cum spilling out of her.

How should he confront all of this? Just dive right in? Go slowly? Beat around the bush? What would she respond more to? He decided to just go in for the kill. He couldn't really screw things up anymore than they already were. 

"Can we, um, talk now, Scully? I mean, take as long as you want. I just thought... well I don't know what I thought exactly but it's better to talk, I think. I know it's not exactly our normal style but it, it seems like we should." He stopped talking. He thought he was probably havering on. It was either that or sleezy inuendos though and he didn't think that was appropriate.

Scully took a huge fork full of salad. She'd completely lost her appetite now but it'd give her a moment to think of her answer. Anything to give her even just a second to think about what to say. She was stalling. She never did that. She was always so sure of herself and of her words. She swallowed heavily.

"As I said before, Mulder, I'm not sure what there is to talk about" She told him. Who was she kidding? There were about a million things to talk about and she knew it but as always she played the queen of avoidance. She kept her eyes trained on the coffee table away from his. She could feel his eyes studying her. She hated this! She felt vulnerable and naked before him. It was almost surreal in a way, talking about the fact that she'd raped her best friend *with* her beat friend. Absurd to the point of being almost unbelievable. 

"How are you feeling?" He was so annoyed with this avoiding bullshit. At the same time he didn't want to push her. It was such a conundrum. He didn't want to be the reason she collapsed in on herself again. Her strength made it hard to remember that she'd been catatonic in pain just last night. But she had been! He would have to try and go slowly is he seen any sort of discomfort beyond what he'd expect. 

"I'm fi..."

"Don't you dare." He cut her off. "Do *not* say you're fine, Dana" She felt a wave of emotion flow over her. He'd called her Dana. She could count on hand, actully one finger, the times he'd done that before. When her Father had died had been the only time. The emotion chocked her throat. She swallowed again.

"Sorry" She sighed out "I'm... I'm not very good at this. I mean, not that I've been in this situation before" She chuckled without and humor. "I don't exactly excel in sharing anything personal. I'm not sure where to start" She fiddled with her fingers. Where the hell should she start. She couldn't tell him her true feelings but she also couldn't lie to him. 

If it wasn't for him she'd be in a cell right now and she didn't want to make him regret not calling the police. She'd do anything for him and if he wanted the truth she'd have to give it to him. She kept going back and forth with what to say. Her mind cowering away from being open but her concious telling her she owed him it.

"How did you get drugged?" Mulder figured it was for the best to start with an easy question. To sooth her into this.

"Oh, I... he got me in the neck. The same stuff that the..." 

"From the top" He told her. She seemed startled by his question. He hated making her feel this way. He just wanted to forget talking about it and enjoy the new found closeness it had caused. Maybe hug into her and bathe her again. That sounded perfect! They had to discuss this though and now was as good a time as any. If they didn't talk her pain would manifest into other areas of her life. She had been abused too.

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Uhm... I came out of the police station and I was about to get in my car to come over to you apartment. I wanted to tell you how the interrogation went. I heard a noise behind me as I started to open the door. The next thing I knew there was the sting if a needle puncturing my neck. The guy ran off and I came to yours... the rest you know." She said it in a mechanical voice. She was merely reciting the facts but avoiding any and all feelings she had about it.

"How, eh, how do you feel about what he did?" It was such a stupid question. He sounded like a therapist. What an idiot! Scully rolled her eyes at him.

"Mulder, do *not* go into psychiatrist mode on me." She tried to keep her temper even. What did he want from her? How the fuck did he think she felt?! She didn't want to deal with this. She reminded herself that she owed him the truth and not avoidance. She voiced her feelings for a change. "How do you think I fucking feel? I *hate* him" She couldn't help herself from shouting a little. What did he expect though? She hated the guy that drugged her. *Hated* him! She felt angry tears threaten to fill her eyes but she forced them away. Her face twisted up in disgust at everything. She clenched and unclenched her fists. Fiddling with her fingers no longer seemed satisfying.

"I'm sorry, you need to get this out though. You were abused Scully." She scoffed "you were" 

"And what the hell do you call what I did to you?!" She screamed at him standing up from the couch. There was no stopping the angry shameful tears gathered quickly in her eyes this time. She didn't let them fall.

"Scully, I... please just keep talking. This is good. Getting it all out like this. It'll help heal and it could..."

"I fucking *liked* it, ok?!" She yelled at him. It was like an impulse. Words uncontrollably vomiting out of her. Fuck! She clamped her hands over her mouth. The tears she had been trying to hold back burst out like a dam. She darted off to the bathroom, sobbing as she fled. She slammed the door and locked it behind her.

She'd told him she liked it?! Oh God! She sunk down on the floor. Her meal swirling in her stomach, threatening to rise. How could she have told him that?! She'd swore she wouldn't. She'd promised herself. She was going to talk openly, she was, but she had planned on omitting that little detail. He had been caring for her so well. He even seemed like he had forgiven her. Now, God, now he would hate her. He'd think she was insane. He'd think he should have went to the police. That she was evil. That she was sick. For Christ's sake she'd just told him she *liked* raping him. What the fuck was she meant to do now? Shit!

Scully heard him lightly tapping at the bathroom door. What the hell did he want? He needed to just leave! He needed to start treating her like the criminal she was and not keep catering to her. His hero complex was far worse than she thought. 

"Scully? Scully, can you open the door? We need to talk about this. About what you said. Scully?" He called softly to her. He didn't want her to lock away in shame. He had liked it too on some level but it freaked him out a little that she'd said she liked it. Was it a conrol thing? He knew she liked to be in control of herself and everything around her. That was a no brainer but did it extend to sex? Surely not! He'd heard of rape fantasies but what happened was a hell of a lot more than a fantasy. 

Mulder knew Scully. She wasn't sick or twisted or evil. She was the kindest person he'd ever met. She was loving and generous and he highly doubted she'd meant it as he was taking it. He felt so fucking confused though. He knew why he'd liked it. He'd liked it because he was in love with her. Why had she? It couldn't possibly be for the same reason.

Scully sat with her back to the door, a few stray tears slipping down her face. Her mind flashed to about a hundred romance movies she'd seen when the girl and guy stay on opposite sides of the same door. In the same position. She wished their story would have a happy ending too. She knew it couldn't. 

"I need to be alone right now, Mulder" She told him in a shaky voice. She wiped her cheeks and dried up her tears. Her eyes were still watery, she held them at bay. She felt weak and fragile. Not a feeling she liked to have. Emotions were not something she dealt with well.

"What if we just talk like this, Scully?" He asked her hopefully. He'd read in a lot of psychology journals that talking to someone without seeing them helped people. It saved the person from seeing their reaction and made them feel free to talk openly. 

Through the door? Was he serious? Would that work? She felt safe inside of her bathroom though so maybe it *could* help. She could cry or shout or show any number of emotions without him seeing. That could work, couldn't it. 

"I know it sounds stupid, Scully, but can we atleast... try?" He sounded so lost and alone. She owed it to him to do whatever he asked of her after what she'd done to him. 

She needed to push aside the shame she felt in discussing her emotions and let him in. He deserved that. She nodded her head sadly and then remembered he couldn't see her.

"Ok" She said in a small voice. "I'll try for you" She told him. Opening up was terrifying to her.

She'd opened up to her ex, Daniel, and it hadn't gone well. She'd ended up more confused and hurt than before. She had opened up to him about her desire to join the FBI and he had treated her like a silly little girl who didn't really know what she wanted. She still wasn't emotionally over how things had gone, not really. She had no feelings left for him at all but the way he'd treated her had left a dark space inside of her. 

She'd swore then that she'd never let anyone else in. Milder wasn't just anyone though. He was different. Wasn't he? He wouldn't make her feel like a child or like she was pathetic. He'd respect her and care for her as he always did. She told him she had liked what had happened and he hadn't ran off screaming. That was the worst thing she could have admitted to and he'd stayed. That was surely a good sign. Nothing else she said could be worse. 

"Thank you, Scully. I know this is hard, for both of us. Umm... can you tell me what, uh, what you think you liked about it?" Mulder felt like a prize ass for asking her but he needed to know. He was scared of what her answer would be but he'd always love her no matter what sort of sexual desires she had. He knew it wasn't exactly an uncommon fantasy and who was he to judge. 

Scully took a huge deep breath. Now or never. She had to tell him. She'd downplay it but she'd try to be honest. She needed to be honest. Her stomach swirled with nerves and she crunched up into herself trying to ease the pit that was there.

"I liked... you, Mulder" She said in a whisper. He was right, it *was* easier for her to talk through a door. She wondered if he'd even heard her when he didn't answer for awhile. 

Scully could hardly believe she'd just told him that. Their life's were ruined anyway so what difference did it make. It still made her heart pound uncomfortably and her stomach plummet in fear. 

Mulder held his breath as she answered. She 'liked' him?!? His face froze in an awed expression. That's why she'd liked it. She wanted him. Jesus! What did he do with that information? Tell her he loved her? Tell her how perfect being inside of her was? This was far too much to comprehend. His heart pounded rapidly in his chest. He'd been gawping at nothing for what felt like eternity. Had she felt the same as he had. Could this be the start of... no, of course not. She was scared and fragile. No way could he try to start something now.

"Me too" He said after a long time. That was fine. Wasn't it? It wasn't pleading his undying love but it was letting her know that he'd liked it too. 

They were both silent for a while . Neither able to think of something meaningful to say to break the silence. Scully's mind kept spinning over and over. Had he really said that? Had he really meant what she thought? Had he wanted her too on some level? She felt her compressed chest start to lighten. 

"I don't, umm, I don't regret having sex with you, Scully" Mulder admitted. He had to be honest with her. He had to. She didn't deserve to feel this way about herself especially when he wasn't holding it against her.

Scully's heart pounded in her chest so fast she thought it'd burst right out. All medical evidence to the contrary. He didn't regret it? Oh, God! 

"I may not have been with someone in a while, Mulder, but I don't recall someone yelling at me to stop before. It wasn't sex. It was... it was... rape." She said to him through the door. Tears blurring her vision again. She had barely even whispered out the last word. It made her so disgusted in herself to even think that word let alone say it.

"Scully... I, I just wanted you to stop because you were drugged. I didn't want, Christ, I didn't want our first time to be like that." He felt like he probably shouldn't have admitted that. He wanted to be honest with her though and she seemed to be opening up to him. He didn't want that to stop.

'Our first time' he'd really said that. Scully turned those words over and over in her head. He'd said that. First time. Meaning there might be a second. God! She mustered up her courage.

"Me neither" She muttered back to him. This was getting to be too much for her. Her mind was starting to protest at the amount and type of information it was getting. So much for thinking she was a replacement for his sister or that he had to save woman that we're broken he wouldn't have enjoyed the... sex if that's all it was. Was it really classes as sex? Her brain kept stuttering. She needed time with this. 

She stood and opened the door. She was done talking. She needed to think this all out. Was it some other way of playing the hero and saving her? Making her feel less of a criminal? Did he really envision a second time? Had he really wanted the first? She definitely needed time. Time to just be next to him and think properly. Her mind was usually very quick but when it came to matters of the heart it seemed to take forever to sort through and analyse everything. She had never been good at just jumping into these kind of talks. Not since Daniel anyway.

She kept her eyes trained to the floor as she opened it. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She had no idea where they would go now. She had an almosy overwheling desire to run away and pull back into herself but she knew that wouldn't help anything and he'd probably just come after her anyway. She wanted to fix this all out in her own mind first. Would he let her have the time?

"Do you want some water?" He asked her. That seemed as good a thing to start with as any. She nodded her head. She looked so vulnerable. Mulder wasn't used to seeing her like this. Even when her Father had passed away she'd held up better. Shit, this was getting to much for her. They had always had the uncanny ability to tell what the others mood was and what they needed. He needed to back the hell off for awhile, he thought 

He went through to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from her fridge. Scully said that it tasted better than tap water. He really didn't get it but he'd indulge her as he usually did. 

Mulder went back through to the living room to find Scully sitting on the couch with the tv on. She seldom watched tv and he was sure it was more for the comfort of the voices keeping her confused thoughts company. 

He sat down on the couch and she moved away a little. He placed her bottle on the coffee table. 

"So, what now?" She asked, her voice cracking, without looking at him. Could they just ignore what they'd found out this afternoon? Did he want to? 

"That's up to you, Scully" He told her in a thick voice. He wanted her, loved her, needed her but he couldn't push things. He hadn't yet found a good way to push Scully to do anything she didn't want and he doubted he ever would. "What do you want?" 

"I want all the things that I shouldn't want" She answered him. She knew that wasn't exactly an answer but she just couldn't bare to lay her heart on the line. She couldn't stand telling him all the things she so desperately wanted with him to have them rebuffed. He'd be gentle in his rejection, she knew he would, but it would still be that. A rejection. It was better to kept things the way they were. After what she'd done to him it was essential. She was lucky he was even still remaining by her and being her friend. She couldn't wish for more. 

"What do you want from me?" He persisted. He knew she was trying to dodge around the issue and he'd normally let her but this was too important. This was about their relationship and he'd be damned if he was going to let her shield her heart from him about this. He didn't give a damn that it was happening quickly. They'd admitted they liked each other and he'd told her he didn't regret having sex with her. He couldn't back down now unless she really needed him too.

"I'm not quite ready to discuss that. I just... like I said, I don't do personal very well." She couldn't talk in depth about her feelings, not yet. Didn't he understand that what she'd already done was a hell of a lot for her. 

They'd both been through so much in such a short space of time. Scully needed a breather. She knew he was single minded in his pursuits but she prayed he'd give her this time. She just needed some time to get her mind wrapped around everything. 

"Can we...just watch tv for awhile?" She asked. It was stupid but she didn't know what else to do. He wouldn't leave even if she asked and she didn't want him to leave, not really. Yes, she needed time alone in her head but his mere presence calmed her. It helped having him near. Did it help him too? 

"On one condition" He said in a playful tone. She arched an eyebrow at him in question. "Lay on my lap" Jesus, he was bold. Her eyebrows shot to her hairline. Where had that request come from? All he knew was that he felt amazing with her touching him. He'd loved holding her as she slept and holding her hand. He wanted her to be next to him. To want to touch him. She wasn't ready for that though. He could tell he needed to back off but the desire to have her next to him overcome any doubts. 

Scully took a deep breath to try and steady her trembling body. She wanted to. So much! What did it mean to him though? Why had he asked her? Pushed her boundaries? She decided to think it over on his lap. He'd asked so she wasn't doing anything other than letting herself feel happy. She gets placed her head in his lap. Letting her legs curl out behind her. God, he felt good! So warm. She was so safe. Do calm instantly. 

He didn't breath for several minutes. Scared that even the slightest motion would disturb the tender moment. He couldn't beleive she was doing this. Did he actually have a hope in hell of being with this perfect woman? Two days ago he'd have said 'never in a million years' now he thought he might stand a chance. His heart soared and got stuck in his throat. 

He took an even bigger chance and ran his hand through her auburn hair. She didn't protest so he did it again and again. It felt so soft it could be dandelion puff or corn silk. She had the remote and flicked on some old sci-fi movie. She'd done it for him, he was sure, but he bet he wouldn't see a moment of it. He was too context to just touch her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long to post. I've got the flu :-( I hope it's worth waiting for! As always please let me know if you like it.

Scully lay perfectly still with her head on Mulder's lap. His fingers absently playing through her hair. This was so perfect! She didn't deserve this. What she'd done was unforgivable, wasn't it? She wished with all of her heart that this *could* be her life. Her real life, forever. She let her weary mind think lazily over everything. 

She closed her eyes and focused on the blissful feel of his fingers and on her swirling thoughts. The sci-fi movie she'd put on the tv to keep him entertained was all but forgotten to her. He *liked* her! He didn't regret having 'sex'. She struggled to view it as that but that's what he'd called it. It made her feel alot less guilty. The gnawing pain inside of her lessened when she thought of how he'd said he didn't regret it. How he'd said 'first time' which implied a second, didn't it? She felt her mind drifting off to the calling unconscious. She was so exhausted! She'd hardly slept last night having woken up much earlier than usual and not getting to sleep until well past her bedtime. She felt so warm and content. How did he know she had such a sensitive scalp? 

Mulder heard a small dainty snore not long after he started playing with her hair and knew she must have fallen asleep. Bless her. She'd had a hard day yesterday and her brain could definitely do with the rest. He held her a little tighter. He couldn't get enough of moments like these. He hated the fact that all his current top favorite Scully moments had all been when she wasn't in complete control of herself; the sex, bathing her, sleeping beside her and now her sleeping on his lap. 

He found a solace in the fact that she seemed much calmer. Calm enough to fall asleep. His whole body felt like it was floating at the thought that he was helping her. He knew she just needed time. He did, but he wanted so much more. Their conversation through the bathroom door seemed to wet his desire for her truth rather than quench it. Could she want more out of their relationship? Would she allow that? After everything?

Mulder knew he was a nightmare to be with. Single minded, obsessed and he tended to get obscenely jealous. He had driven past girlfriends away somehow or another because of it. This was Scully so he knew if he were to have her, really have her, he'd be even worse. What he felt for her was far more than he'd felt for those other woman. Just the thought of someone else touching her made him stomach lurch. He was getting away from himself. They weren't together. Well, not yet. If he had his way they would be! 

He'd sat there playing with her silky hair thinking things over the entire time the movie played out. She'd told him she liked having sex with him. That was a start right? And she'd agreed that she didn't want their first time to have been like that. That meant a possible second time. He'd decided to try. He had to. He'd hate himself if he didn't. Jesus, please don't let this fuck up! He'd go slow. He'd push her and then pull back when she needed him to. He'd try.

The movie had ended and some strange infomercial about hair in a spray can played out on the tv. He needed the bathroom. Could he wake her. Would she be angry? Or worse embarrassed that she'd lay there for so long? On her best friends lap. Damn it! He had to wake her up. It had been about two and a half hours anyway and he doubted she'd want to sleep for longer. 

"Scully?" He whispered out while brushed a finger over her forehead and up and down her nose. He loved her nose! Especially when he could see the tiny cute freckles covering it.

"Hmm...Wa' ti's it?" She mumbled out burrowing her face right into his crotch. Shit. He felt his cock respond immediately. Her breath felt warm through his thin sweats and her cheek rubbed slowly over the sensitive head as she nuzzled sleepily in. He took a deep breath to try and calm down.

"I, uh, I'm not sure. I need to pee though so you'll need to get up."

"Mmm" She grumbled out. Clearly reluctant to wake up fully. The vibrations of her protest slid up and down his semi hard dick forcing it to full attention. Fuck! He gripped at the arm of the couch and bit the inside of his cheek. God, what she did to him. He looked at the ceiling. The sight of fox fur coloured hair that close to his cock wasn't doing him any favors at the moment. He could feel the warmth of her so close to him. He wanted to buck up so badly! So fucking badly! Christ, did she have any idea how much she affected him? 

Her nose brushed against his sensitive inner thigh as she tried desperately to snuggle up comfortably. Her temple stroking up and down the base of his hard cock.

"Oh" She pulled her head up quickly. Busted! Her face flushing a colour that rivaled her hair. She just looked at him, wide eyed in shock. Shit!

He's hard! He's *hard*! Oh God! She felt warmth pool in her stomach. Nerves and arousal warring for supremacy inside of her. She swallowed. Why the hell was he hard? Did something happen in the movie? When had she fallen asleep? 

"I'm sorry, Scully." Mulder told her in an ashamed half whisper. He was such an idiot! He couldn't even control his body when she was so fragile. What would she think of him and his lack of conrol? He wasn't a damn teenager he should be able to calm himself more than this. 

His face matching her's in colour. He was so humiliated! This was the last things she needed right now! Why did guys have to be so fucking obvious in their arousal?! Fuck! She'd never look at him again.

"No. No, it's just a natural physiological response to external stimulation. It's perfectly normal Mulder." She told him while quickly moving to the other side of the couch. He didn't want her to put her usual rational mind into over drive like this! He didn't know how far to push her but he felt bold after his time alone in his head.

Mulder cupped her chin. He could actually feel the heat waving off her skin. He didn't want her to think it's was just some bullshit physiological thing. It wasn't! It was her. Pure Scully. Nothing else. He wanted to force her to accept where he wanted this to go. Maybe it was harsh and selfish but he needed her to understand.

"It wasn't, Scully. It's you. It's always you." She sat gobsmacked and said nothing back. He stood without another word and went to the bathroom.

It was her?! Jesus! He'd got hard because if *her*. She felt her heart pounding at the thought. Maybe he didn't have some kind of hero complex but there was no way that this was normal. Was there? He couldn't want her after what she'd done. Could he? Her mind swirled again. She felt scared and confused. 

She got up from the couch. Sleep still making her mind fuzzy. She went through to the bedroom again. It was like a sanctuary to her and she could escape in there. She had to put more cream on her bruises anyway. That was an excuse but a plausible one. Christ, he was *hard*! 

Scully plopped down heavily on the bed and put her head in her hands. What the hell was going on here? Maybe it was some form of Stockholm syndrome? That had to be it. When the abused falls in love with the abuser. She'd seen it many times before in children who's parent's beat them. Maybe it was some form of that. It couldn't be her. What she'd done couldn't be forgiven! She felt so alone. Yet the thought of letting him in terrified her. What should she do? 

She took off her t-shirt and bra. She wondered if she would get away with not putting her bra on again. The straps were killing her. Digging in painfully and chaffing her sore skin. She stood half naked and smeared on more cream. Scully let out a relieved sigh. The cream was so cooling and she knew from experience it healed pretty damn fast. They'd be gone by the end of the week at the latest. She gently rubbed some vaseline on her lip. It had totally scabbed over and felt itchy as hell. That was a good sign. It was healing quickly. He must have only just caught it with his fist, only breaking the first few layers. 

"Scully?" Mulder voice shouted out to her from behind the door.

"Just a second" She called back. She didn't want to flaunt her nudity again. She grabbed her robe from the back of her door and put it on. It was fluffy and white and she smiled into it at the comforting feeling. The slight scent of perfume and fabric softener clung to it and made her feel safe. 

"Come on in." She said opening the door. "I was just putting on some more Arnica cream" She told him. She couldn't think of what to say to him about his erection and what he'd said about its cause. She couldn't tell him how hot and confused it made her or how much she wanted him. She definitely couldn't tell him about her newly forming Stockholm syndrome theory. That would be a bit insulting, wouldn't it? Calling what he thought were his feelings for her into question. She'd hate him doing that to her. Maybe she'd get the balls to question him later but not now.

Mulder walked in. He was a little surprised that she hadn't commented on his hard on but ignoring things was par for the course with them. He could tell she was a little awkward since he'd interrupted her putting on her cream. What was that stuff anyway, he wondered.

"Want me to get your back again?" He asked her, breaking the awkward silence. 

Scully somewhat reluctantly nodded her head. She knew that he had already seen her bruises but she still felt worried he'd flee at the sight of them. She was always so scared to let someone help her but it was something she was trying her best to overcome. It was just Mulder and she needed to start letting him in a little. She wondered if he knew how hard this was for her. Just to let him help. It was so hard. Why was it so fucking hard? 

She passed him the tube of cream and turned her back to him. Scully dropped her robe to her waist and kept her arms over her breasts. It had felt so amazing when he'd done it this morning but her fear was threatening to dull the pleasure this time. She supposed it was because her mind was working at a better capacity now. 

Mulder pushed aside all lust full thoughts again. He would *not* get hard again! He recognised this moment for what it was. She was letting him in. It was just a little but it meant so much. She'd come so far today. They both had. He was overwhelmingly grateful that she was letting him help her like this.

"So, what is this stuff, what does it actually do Scully?" He asked her. His hands rubbing gently over her tired aching flesh. He was starting to feel just a little less guilty about hurting her so much. Not much but a little was a start. She didn't seem to blame him for it. He still felt very badly about causing her pain but definitely less guilty. He had asked her in the hope of getting her talking. He could feel the nervous tension flowing off of her in waves and getting her talking medical jargon would hopefully ease that. 

"It's a cream derived from the alpine plant Arnica Montana. It's been used for century's actually. Although there are some debates as to it's effectiveness, it has always helped me. This particular one has vitamin K in it too so it should help with the overall healing time." She rattled off calmly. Mulder knew it would help. As much as she was a mystery to him there were some things he knew about her. She found comfort in her medical knowledge and this time it was working to his advantage rather than working to debunk him. "Sadly they will still be noticeable for work tomorrow" She added in an almost whisper. Her body going tight under his soothing hands. 

"Oh, I, uh, meant to tell you about that actually. I, I booked the week off for us both. We're not back until next Monday" Scully whipped around quickly. She gave him an odd look. 

He'd had to take time off from his work because of what she'd done? The X files were so important to him. He must be so much more traumatised than she'd thought to take time off. She had forced him to take time away from his quest. Somehow that brought home to her how bad what she'd done was. He wouldn't take time off unless he *really* needed it. The guilt of it all smashed the air from her chest abruptly. 

"I... uh." She struggled with what to say. God. She was so sorry! So ashamed. She'd forced him sexually and he was so fucked up over it he'd taken time away from something that was so important to him. They were his life. His quest was everything to him. What could she say?

"I apologise for forcing you to take time away from something so important to you" She said. She knew it sounded stupid. Almost a cheap version of what she should really be saying. Her arms shook and she pulled her robe up again. "Excuse me" She said and turned on her heel out of the bedroom. She walked smartly to the bathroom and locked the door. Bitter tears filling her eyes again.

She wouldn't allow herself more tears. They were weak. They were a selfish indulgence. She didn't deserve the slight comfort that came with them. She sat in the same position as she had earlier. It felt like a million years ago that she'd sat there talking to him through the door. That she'd told him she liked it. 

He'd obviously been lying with what he'd said back. What was she expecting? That he really was fine? That he really had liked it? That he'd forgiven her? That they'd go back to working together normally? Hah. That was such a damn joke. What had she been thinking.

Her head spun, terrified. How much had this really affected him? She had to deal with this alone. She was being cruel relying on him. He obviously was damaged by what she'd done. She needed to put him first and get him to leave. Where could he go though? Back to the scene of the crime? She couldn't live with herself if she sent him there. What could she do. He obviously needed time alone. She wanted him to stay with her so badly but she couldn't be selfish. She couldn't! 

Scully composed herself and left the bathroom. Mulder must still be in the bedroom so she walked there. She'd come up with what she hoped was an acceptable plan.

Mulder had no idea what he'd done wrong. He stayed sitting on the edge of her bed trying to sort through what she'd said. She had made it out like she was fine with having time off but she didn't want him to. What. The. Hell?!? She had ran off to the bathroom and he'd let her go. She needed time alone, he was sure. He'd already pushed her a little. He couldn't do it again so soon. Scully was a difficult nut to crack.

"I want you to go and stay at a hotel or something, Mulder." He raised his eyebrow's at her. What was going on now? She was kicking him out again? "I'll pay for it, of course." What the hell was she playing at? A hotel? For fuck's sake! He could feel himself cracking up. He was trying so damn hard to do everything right and she hits him with that? And what was the deal with her paying for it. Christ! He wasn't a damn charity case. How had he screwed up this time? Was it just because he'd requested they each take time off without her permission?

"For Christ's sake Scully! What the fuck is..." He shouted out at her, then instantly felt ashamed of himself and tapered off. He shouldn't get mad with her. She was fragile enough. He couldn't do this to her. They'd started to work things out and she did seem better, yelling at her sure as hell wasn't going to help. Scully gripped tightly at her dressing robe. It was a defensive posture. Almost like she was afraid. 

This is it she thought this is when he screams at me over what I've done. This is when he tells me he never wants to see me again. That we can't even work together. What had she done? She was trying so damn hard. Who was he kidding that he was fine? She stared at him. Almost begging him to shout at her. To tell her how much he hated her. To have it out. To hurt her. She deserved that. She lifted her eyebrows up in challenge at him.

"What? Get it out Mulder?!" She shouted back at him. She felt vulnerable and naked before him. Her fear of ruining them completely swirling around her. How could she shout at him after what he must be going through? How dare she. She felt horrible but she just couldn't help it. She wanted to break him so he'd hurt her. So he'd yell at her. Break this fragile world they'd built since she'd raped him.

"I'm sorry" He deflated again when he saw the fear in her eyes. 

"No, Mulder. I'm done tiptoeing around this. If you want to get away from me, from your rapist then just tell me" Scully was so petrified of what he was going to do but she couldn't stand to be in this fucked up space any longer. She was done crying. She was done feeling sorry for herself. She was just done. They had to get this out. She didn't think she'd have had the balls to start this but now that she'd started she couldn't stop. She was never one to back down. 

Mulder had seen that look in her eyes a million times before. He wouldn't get away with anything less than the truth, he knew. He'd tell her everything. Not how much he loved her of course. He wasn't suicidal or stupid. He'd tell her the rest though.

"You're NOT a fucking *rapist*, Scully!" Mulder screamed at her. How could she think that? How could she even call herself that. Yes, he'd told her to stop. Yes, he didn't want their first time to have been like that. But... he loved her. God help him but he loved her with an intensity that almost frightened him. She was Scully. She was his world. She was all the good that had ever happened in his life. She was the warm comforting sunshine and the soothing chill of rain. She was everything. She was *not* an abuser! She actually startled a little. It was the loudest he'd ever shouted at her. Mulder calmed himself down instantly at the fear that flashed in her eyes.

"I... I want to stay here with you, Scully. I should have asked you about taking the time off but you were... well, you didn't need to think about that then. I'm sorry it upset you. I've already told you that I don't regret having sex with you, just the way it happened. It wasn't rape, Scully, not really" He paused and took a deep breath. This next part was the scariest thing he'd ever told someone. "I've wanted you since I first saw you. With your mousy brown hair and your independent attitude. You were so frustrating, complicated, challenging, exciting, capable, invigorating..." he sighed "You were such a little tough nut so desperate to prove yourself but so innocently green. You've dyed your hair back to red and you're much wiser, in all things, than the agent I first met but I... I only want you more than I did back then. We've gotten closer and you're my best friend. We have to work through this *together*, Scully. If *you* really want me to leave then I will but you need to know that *I* don't want to leave. I don't"

Woah. He'd said it. He'd done it. Jesus, that was hard but it felt like such a release at the same time. He never told her things like that. Never. How would she take it? He could feel himself trembling. He hoped she wouldn't hate him for what he'd said. He hadn't told her how much he loved her but he'd been as honest as he thought she might handle. He wanted to get to a place where being open like that with her wasn't unheard of as it was now.

He'd wanted her since then?! What the hell? He... he *wanted* her. It wasn't some kind of Stockholm syndrome. It wasn't a hero complex. It was *her*. It was her. She'd made him hard. She was why he'd taken time off. Her. Her. *Her*! Jesus Christ! What did this mean?! It had been as long as the beginning that he'd wanted her. Since the *beginning*. Oh God. She just stared at her feet. What could she say back? He was looking expectantly at her. Fuck!

"Ok... I'm sorry. I... this is alot for me, Mulder. You can stay. Uhmm, you could stay the week if..." She trailed off. That wasn't the big honest reveal he'd done but she just couldn't think of what to tell him that wasn't too much. She was discovering that she was better when he asked her things and she wasn't just left stranded and trying to think of what to say like she was now. She felt childish admitting that to herself. She was a freckle faced little girl in pigtails when it came to emotions.

"Why do you want me to stay?" He knew he was pushing her. He knew she was angry and afraid. He'd never seen her the way she'd been this past 24 hours. She had answered his questions before though and he was going on a hunch that when it came to these kind of things she needed to be led by the hand and asked. It seemed to help her when she was given a direction. He could work with that.

Scully took a huge lung full of air. He'd asked her why. God. That was a big ask. She wanted to scream at him that she was madly in love with him and couldnt bare to be apart from him. She had to answer him with more tact than that. She knew she did. She owed him the truth but only a small amount of it. She would only give him the version she was ready to admit to.

"You're my best friend, Mulder. I, I care about you, so much. It helps. You being here" She rushed out in a breath. Mulder felt like they were getting somewhere. She was allowing herself to be open and vulnerable without a closed door between them. Her eyes looked a little wet but she was doing it. Hunch confirmed, he thought with an inner smile. He'd have to ask her things and force her to open up. 

Mulder walked over to her and she looked up at him. Fear showing in a ocean eyes. He tenderly wrapped his arms around her and she fell into his hug after a hesitant moment. She was so fluffy and tiny. Her head only coming up to his chest. He bent his head and breathed her in. The scent of the shampoo he'd washed her hair with filling his senses. Her auburn hair tickling at his nose. 

She was right next to his heart. Her head turned so her ear was right next to the rythmic thumping. It was such a calming sound. She often forgot how tall he was, that she could hear his heart beat so close. She usually had huge high heels on. Without either of them having shoes on he towered above her. Instead of feeling intimidated by it she felt soothed. Protected. She clung to him tightly. 

Mulder stroked the small of her back soothingly, ignoring the impulse to crush her petite body to his. Her bruised and battered body would certainly not like that. 

Scully eventually pulled back. She gave him a small smile. "So... why did you request time off? I mean, I would understand if it was because of... well... It's understandable if you wanted time alone but you said you don't want to leave. I just... I find it difficult to fathom your motivation." She stuttered out. She had never stuttered before this all happened. She just couldn't seem to add voise to the constant questions in her mind. Damn it! Why was it so hard to just ask him something. 

He could see her struggle and he felt for her. She was trying so hard just like she'd said she would in the bathroom earlier. She was trying so hard to be open. He wanted to take away the fear she clearly felt at allowing someone in. At letting him close. Why did she think it was such a sign of weakness? 

"To put it simply, I care about you. I didn't want you to deal with this alone. If I'm being completely honest, I want to be here, with you. I always do, Scully. My work pales in comparison to you." He told her. He'd known from the start that he'd have to take the led with all of the emotions between them. He had to be completely open with her and just pray she followed suit. He'd keep pushing her limits and hope she gave in.

He wanted to be with her, always. What the hell did that mean? She was more important that his work? His never ending quest? She found that hard to believe. More importantly she didn't know if she was *ready* to believe it? Was it too much to handle? She enjoyed being in this state where all things hung in the balance. Where she could imagine it would become much more. It was so much better than the shattering of that dream. The moment when it crashed around her. No, hanging in the balance of possibilities was far better. Possibility and dreams. She liked that. She wanted to know more but she was utterly petrified that it wouldn't be what she wanted. It was far better to live in perpetual hope.

"I'm starved, can we order in?" She asked. Abruptly changing the subject. She was too good at that. Mulder knew it was her way of shying away from something she found difficult. His heart broke for her struggle. 

"Sure we can, Scully. Although I don't mind heading out to pick up anything you'd like. Especially if I'm staying for the week..." He paused deliberately and waited for her to nod indicating that was definitely what she wanted him to do. "Then I'll need to pick up some stuff from my place so I'll be out anyway" She paled at the thought of him going back to his apartment. 

She couldn't help but think of it as heading back to the scene of her crime. Should she go aswell to make sure that he had support. She didn't think she could do it. Couldn't deal with reliving it. Not yet anyway so she didn't offer.

"That would be great. Uh, I can make a list for groceries if you'd like? I'll cook." She told him

"Despite popular opinion, I *can* cook, you know" He joked with her.

The slightly awkward air was leaving again. She smirked a little at him.

"Honestly, Mulder, it boggles my mind how you've survived this long when all I've ever seen you eat is pizza and sunflower seeds" She teased at him.

"Hey, don't dis on pizza. It's given me the hot body that you need and love" He joked and waggled his eyebrow's at her. He saw her face pale straight away and her body go rigid. Shit. He shouldn't joke about his body! What was he playing at. Rubbing her face in it. What a cock up. Just when they were starting to calm down again. What a moron! "Sorry. I didn't mean..." He started to day. 

"Just think how much hotter your body might be if you ate a proper varied diet" She joked back at him interrupting his apology and giving him a seldom seen cheeky grin. She refused to let her insecurity and fear take away the usual banter that they had. If she lost that part, the part she loved the most then she didn't think she'd cope at all. The future was too bleak without it. She wanting, no, *needed* him to know he could joke with her. She was a little embarrassed but she didn't want him to ever stop teasing her. It was such a Mulder thing. She didn't want him to ever stop being himself! Even if it was about his body. Besides who was she kidding; she did love his body. A lot! Hearing him joking with her pleased her. He could tease her. That was good. That meant things were on the right path. It warmed her heart.

Scully winked at him as he stood slack jawed and then turned to leave. Mulder was shocked! She'd teased him. What bothered him about the situation was that he hadn't even had a come back. Not one. He'd just stood there like a halfwit. She looked so fucking gorgeous in her fluffy robe and a smirk in her face. The wink just added the extra hot touch to what was already perfection. 

He'd never seen her wink before and he knew at that very moment he'd spend the rest of his life desperately hoping he'd give her a reason to do it again. He felt so much lighter after their almost argument. It had cleared the air quite a bit. He smiled at nothing as he though of the fact that she'd been flirty. Maybe this wasn't beyond saving.

She went to the kitchen to get her magnetic note pad from the fridge and her pen. She couldn't believe she'd just done that. Was that flirting? Oh God. He didn't seem to mind though. Could they maybe be starting something this week? Did he want that? She'd winked at him. God, she hadn't done that since med school. Was that appropriate? She felt a tremble roll through her. She couldn't tell if she felt excited or ashamed. He hadn't chastised her. He'd looked a little shocked but not in a bad way. She was glad he was leaving for awhile. As much as she loved him and needed his comfort she could do with a little breather to think properly alone. 

She'd tried to think things through on the couch with him but she'd fallen asleep before she'd really managed. She started writing a list of things they'd need for the week. Making sure to get enough to make atleast three home cooked meals from scratch. She wasn't the world's best cook but she'd manage. 

Mulder wandered through to the kitchen and sat next to her at the table. How far was this flirting going? Did she want to start something? Had they already started? He slowly bushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear as she wrote frantically. She saw her eyes flicker I'm what looked like pain and he quickly pulled away.

"Sorry" He mumbled. Placing his hand on his lap. Too far. He should have known it was too far. He'd pushed her too much. Damn! 

"No." She responded and he snapped his head up to see her nervously lick her top lip. "I, uh, I like it when you touch me" She said. Her eyes never meeting his. Like she was mortified by her admission. He grinned wide and put his hand to her knee. Rubbing it lightly. Never straying beyond mid thigh. 

"So.. any ideas for meals?" She said and put her left hand under the table to link with his. 

They spoke as if nothing important was happening as she scribbled down the shopping list. Mulder just gave her suggestions and they talked over food options. She never once took her hand away, keeping their fingers laced. Both of their hearts were in their throats the entire time. This was so new to them and considering everything that had happened they both worried that even just holding hands was too much. They each hid their fear and talked as though nothing was out of the ordinary. 

Once the list was finished Mulder went to the bathroom and changed into his suit. He didn't think the store would thank him for walking around in thin sweats and a small t-shirt. 

Scully waited for him to come out in the living room. Her mind drifted uneasily through all the days events. Was she getting what she'd always wanted? Was this happening? She felt like a high school teenager. Her heart hammering at just the thought of holding his hand. She felt pathetic. She was a grown woman for God's sake. 

"Ok, so I'll be back as soon as I can" She tried to put some money in his hand for the shopping "I'll get this one" He told her shaking his head. He got to the front door and she went with him. Showing him out on instinct. 

He stood on the outside of the door frame with the list and his overnight bag in hand. She smiled up at him and he could swear he saw love shinning in her azure eyes.

He bent to her through pure desire and kissed her tenderly near the bruise on her cheek. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew it. Maybe she'd just see it as friendly. Maybe it was ok? He felt his stomach flip in fear of her response. 

He couldn't help himself from kissing her though. Her eyes shinning up at him and her fluffy white robe. How could he resist? She gasped a little and he felt her cheek move as she smiled a little at his action. Thank God. She liked it. She wasn't slapping him. Christ, her cheek was so soft. He reluctantly pulled away.

"I'll be back soon, Scully" they smiled shyly at each other. Both of their hearts hammering and their stomach's fluttering


	8. Chapter 8

Mulder knocked at Scully's apartment door. He'd been gone for a lot longer than he had thought he would be. He'd spent a lot of time at his apartment cleaning all evidence of what they'd done there. He felt a rush of embarrassment as the thought of keeping her ripped underwear flashed in his mind. He wouldn't do that, not to her. He knew he was a bit of a pervert and the scent of her wafting from them made his heart leap to his throat but he threw them in a black back and tossed them before he could even think twice about it.

He didn't want her to be faced with any sort of reminder of what had transpired if she went there soon. He actually debated about going over again later in the week to give the bedroom a coat of paint, it needed it anyway and he never wanted her to be as broken as she was last night. He figured that it might trigger her if she went back and it waa unchanged. He wanted his home to be a safe place for her.

Mulder had bought every single thing on her list as well as a bunch of extras. Hopefully she was pleased. He took the 'one trip or die' rule seriously when it came to bringing bags in from the car so he was laden down.

Scully took a deep breath and opened the door. She knew it would be him so she didn't bother with her peephole. She felt so much better having had time away from him and she actually felt a little happy. It was so strange to feel that way. She didn't deserve happiness after what she'd done but she was bathed in the warmth of the things he'd said to her. He *wanted* her! It made her body tingle and her stomach flip with nerves. He *liked* her. Could he ever feel for her what she felt for him? No, of course not. But then again he had held her hand and kissed her cheek. 

"Hey" She said as she saw him and moved aside to let him in. 

"Hey. So I may have deviated slightly and got some stuff that wasn't on the list" He told her hauling the bags to the kitchen.

Scully chuckled with a slight shake of her head. She closed the front door and followed him to the kitchen. She felt light. His cheeky grin making her almost forget all of the pain she'd caused. Almost.

She had spent the whole time he was gone thinking over every single thing and she decided that she would see where this went. He said he wanted her, that he cared about her. She owed it to both of them to see where this week took them. She knew that staying with perpetual hope and never pushing things further was cowardly. If her heart was going to be broken then she may as well get it over with and give herself a chance to move past it. Staying this way was cruel to herself even though it was blissful at the same time. They couldn't go back to the way they were before anyway. They couldn't. They both deserved a little piece of happiness in their lives and if they could somehow find it in each other then all the better. She prayed they could build something out of the shattered ruins she had made.

Scully wouldn't push her feeling on him but she wouldn't pull back from them either. Regardless of what he said or felt she *had* abused him and she wouldn't do anything like that again. She wouldn't push him or be assertive in whatever was going on between them. She couldn't! She was so scared of what was happening but she had to see where this went. God, she was so terrified. 

They didn't say much to each other as they sorted through the groceries and put then away. Scully's heart clamped as she pulled out a box of her favorite dark chocolates. She turned to him with them in her hands. 

How had he remembered they were her favorite? Her mum had sent them to her every year on Valentine's day since her Father had passed away. She had cringed a little the first time she had received them. The only gift she'd gotten was from her mum, that was a little sad. Mulder reminded her that her Mother had had an amazing man to buy gifts for every Valentine's day and now that her father had passed away it was probably her way of coping with the holiday alone. She had excused herself and wept a little in the ladies room at work. She never cringed at them again and was sure to buy her Mother something every Valentine's day since then.

She felt tears fill her eyes. How did he even remember? She didn't bring them up after the first year. Sure they'd been delivered to their office annually but she'd always assumed he was too busy reading case files to even notice. He had never mentioned it anyway. Mulder turned to her when he realised she'd stopped.

"Oh yeah, I, uh, told you I deviated a little. Is it ok?" He asked. He had been so nervous about buying them. Would they bring back awful memories of her father's passing or her mother's loneliness. Was it a mistake? He hoped they made her feel special. That they reminded her of just how loved she was and always would be. That's what he'd wanted. He couldn't tell her he loved her but maybe he could show her.

He stumbled backwards a little as she threw herself into his arms. She gripped him tightly. She was so grateful. How did he always know just what to do? He always hid behind his inuendos and welcomed the assumption that he was a pervert. He wasn't, she knew, he was kind and gentle and romantic. What else could this be classed as but romantic. She felt her tears but blinked them away. She didn't think she'd ever had happy tears before.

She came to her senses when he accidently pressed a little too hard on her bruised back. It didn't hurt, not really, but it was enough to pull her out of her mind. She pulled back and smiled at him.

"Thank you" She whispered out.

"I've gotta say that hugs from you make for an excellent reward system, Scully. I'll make sure to break the rules more often" He told her with a cheeky grin.

"Mulder" She raised her eyebrow's "Are there even any rules left that you *haven't* broken"

He said nothing back but waggled his eyebrow's at her. She loved this time with him. She couldn't love him more, she was sure. She felt herself smiling more than she every had. She tended to try and be conserved in showing her emotions on her face but no more. Her walls were falling down and although it terrified her it also liberated her. She had broken and she was building up again. She had hoped she would when she'd sat in the bathroom alone that morning and tried to come to terms with what had happened. 

She felt so free. She was probably delusional. Allowing herself to sink into some bizarre form of domesticated bliss but she couldn't help herself. Her emotions were still in such turmoil. She was happy now but who knew when she'd break down again. It confused the hell out of her. She could feel an odd niggling pain in her mind but she ignored it. She was happy. She was.

Scully pulled out three bottles of her favourite red wine and felt tears of love and gratitude flood her eyes again. She turned to him once more. Mulder turned to her and saw her standing with a look of awe on her face and tears in her eyes again. He held his arms out and her facial expression morphed into one of confusion. 

"I thought hugs were the reward system" He told her somewhat expectantly. She let out a small exhale of air through her nose and smiled. Scully put the wine down on the counter top and hugged him again.

Mulder couldn't believe how much he was getting away with here. He knew he'd told himself to push it but she seemed far more responsive than he thought she'd be. He felt utterly perplexed at everything that had went on and at everything that was currently going on. He wanted to pace things and not push her way too far and end up pushing her away. He knew from his many years at college that it was typical for an abuse victim to go through a multitude of emotions until they calmed with the acceptance of what had happened to them. Scully *had* been abused regardless of what her happy demeanour showed right now. 

Mulder understood what was happening even if she didn't. He'd let it all play out and just be there if or when she crumbled. 

He reluctantly let her go and they both finished putting the groceries away. She gave him a hug twice more. Once for the huge tub of her favourite black cherry ice cream and one more for the bath salts he'd gotten her. 

"I noticed you didn't have any left last night" He told her as he picked up the salts and turned to move to the bathroom. He regretted saying it as soon as he words left his mouth. How could he remind her of that. What a fucking moron! Good going, Mulder, remind her of her break from reality. Jesus. He froze at the doorway of the kitchen in fear.

"Yeah, thank you." She said. She sensed his fear and knew he was berating himself for reminding her of what had happened. They couldn't pretend and skirt around it though. It had happened and he needed to know it was ok to talk about it. She decided to take a huge risk.

"The next bath you give me will be infinity better either way but those will definitely help" She joked. Fear twisting like a rusty knife in her gut. So much for letting him take the led. Insinuating that he'd bathe her again. God. She felt ashamed of herself but it was done now. She'd said it and couldn't take it back. She held her breath waiting for him to scoff at her or shut her down. He didn't. He gave her a cute over the shoulder grin and went to put them in the bathroom. 

She was *definitely* flirting with him. That was way too much of an invitation to be just a joke, Mulder thought to himself. He didn't want to question her about anything though. It felt like they were both on such tender hooks that one wrong move would ruin everything. He didn't want that. He'd do it all at whatever pace somehow came out of this situation. She was too flirty and happy, it almost frightened him. He loved to see her like that but he knew it wouldn't last. It was just a stage that her mind was going through in its attempts to come to terms with everything. 

He'd deal with whatever moods happened and he'd support her, always. It was like her mind was over compensating for the pain she was really in. It broke his heart a little. He couldn't help but enjoy seeing her like this though even though he knew it was somewhat false. 

This carefree happy Scully made him so happy but it worried him so much that she would crash and burn. She was trying too damn hard. He had no idea how to make it better other than to wait it out and be there for her. He tried to think of something that might help her. Anything that would calm her down and let her deal properly.

Mulder walked back through to the kitchen but she was nowhere to be seen. He looked towards her bedroom and found the door closed. She must be in there. He walked over and raised his hand to the door to knock. A very quiet sob stopped him. Shit. She was *crying* again. Jesus. What had went wrong? How was this going to be better? When? He pulled away from the door with a heavy heart and went to sit on the couch. He didn't want to constantly push her. She needed time alone to cope with everything so he'd leave her alone just now.

Scully had taken off her fluffy white robe to put more cream on her bruises. She startled a little as her vision blurred and she felt moisture on her cheeks. What the hell was going on?! She felt so angry with herself! One minute she was fine and the next she felt like shit. She thought she was handling it well but the sight of her still bruised body seemed to overwhelm her. 

She chocked on a small sob and cast her eyes towards the ceiling in exasperation. She needed to get a hold of herself. What was she doing? What was wrong with her? Well, that was obvious but she just couldn't seem to fix it or even make up her mind on how to feel. Even with everything they'd spoken of she still kept jumping back and forth between being relieved and repulsed. 

She took a huge heaving sob and rubbed in the cream. She made sure to cover her cheek thoroughly since it was the most visible. She put more vaseline on her lip. She thought it might actually heal by tomorrow. It was barely painful anymore but still itched like crazy. She ignored the urge to bite and lick at it.

She pulled her robe on again and left the room. She saw Mulder sitting on her couch and she felt her heart leap from sorrow to happiness again. What the fuck?! Why was she like this?! Maybe she should talk to him about it? Maybe he'd help? The thought scared her but she knew it probably would help. He had a phsycology degree after all and he'd be able to explain to her what was going on with her emotions. She wasn't good at this at all. Talking about her inner feelings was not her. Her mind panicked a little but she pushed through. What should she say? Where was she meant to start?

"Mulder... uhm, could we... could we maybe talk?" She whispered out and sat next to him. She was so petrified! She never did this, never. She hadn't spoken to anyone like this since Daniel and that had completely screwed her up. She knew it still did. She reminded herself that Mulder was *not* Daniel.

"Of course we can, Scully" Mulder was so glad that this was her idea. That she was trying to overcome her fear and her seesawing emotions. This would help. It really would! 

"'kay, uh I'm not sure where to start." She looked sheepish. His heart went out for her. She wanted to try and talk but she was so lost. He pulled on the information he'd got from their previous talks and decided to ask her questions again.

"That's ok. I'm glad you even want to try. Why don't we start with how you feel right now?" God, he sounded like a shrink. He almost rolled his eyes at himself. He didn't care how embarrassing it was if it was helping her though. Not at all.

She chuckled a little but it didn't reach her sapphire eyes. It was a bitter sarcastic sound. She pulled her legs up and sat Indian style facing the tv. He could see her perfectly in profile and felt a ripple roll through him at the slope of her nose. He'd wanted to kiss the tip of it since he'd met her. He ignored it just as he always did.

"I, uh" She let out an exhale and drew in a steady breath. "I'm scared of myself, Mulder, and I'm confused and... God, I can't even settle on an emotion... I feel so happy one minute even though I have absolutely no right to be, then what I've done hits me again and I just feel" She gave a shaky sigh and shook her head. 

Mulder understood exactly what was going on. She had been traumatised. What did she expect? That she'd cry once, get it out and all would be well. She'd probably not get over this for months. Should he tell her that? He didn't want to frighten her about how long it would take. He didn't want to mask over her pain as if it was nothing substantial. He struggled with what to say back.

"It's ok, Scully. It's completely normal. Something extremely traumatic happened to you and you're emotions should be expected to swing rather a lot as a result. Don't push yourself. You'll get through this. We both will. You've just got to accept that it's going to take some time" He told her. God, he wanted to make this better. To make this right. To take all the pain and confusion away from her she nodded her head and sucked on her swollen lip. 

"I need to ask you something and I don't want you to get upset or... well... do you think you can handle thinking about it just now?" He asked her. He had to know if she was on birth control. The thought of having a child with her thrilled him to no end but not this way. He doubted she'd cope with it happening right now. 

Scully looked at him for a moment, her eyes thick with tears. They didn't fall though. She nodded and looked away again. Staring at her lap.

"Are you on any form of birth control?" He didn't want to go into anymore detail. She knew why he was asking so there was no need to upset her more. 

That was the last thing she'd expected him to ask and she felt a dull shock flutter through her. She hadn't even considered it. She'd found out months ago that as a result of her abduction she couldn't have children. She hadn't even thought about the fact he hadn't been wearing a condom. Shit. He must have been so scared over that.

"I'm clean so you have nothing to worry about, Mulder" She said in a dismissive voice. She didn't want to talk about the fact that she was barren. She didn't think she'd handle telling him that. She hadn't told anyone. Not even her Mother knew. It was just something she had dealt with alone. No one had needed to know... until now. He deserved to know but it was so damn hard! 

It was because of her abduction. She knew it was. Whatever tests they had performed on her had stolen her chance for motherhood. After she had come back from wherever the hell she'd been her periods had been all over the place. She'd actually hardly noticed at first and when she eventually did the math she just put it down to stress. About eight months or so ago they had just completely... stopped. Nothing. Zilch. She'd been tested for early onset menopause and her doctors had concluded that had to be it. They couldn't fathom what else could have left her with no viable ova. She had sat in sheer shock as they told her she had no ova left. What the fuck had happened to her?! What had they done to her?! 

"I didn't think you weren't, Scully. I... I meant..."

"I can't conceive, Mulder" She blurted out, interrupting him. 

She what? She couldn't have children? Fuck. He felt like such a dick bringing that up now but what was he meant to have done? He had needed to know. It only took once after all. Why hadn't she told him sooner. So much for being best friends. How long had she known? Was this something she'd always known? 

"Whe...uh... how did..." He couldn't get the words out to ask her. This was *not* the way he thought this conversation would go. He saw her take anther deep healing breath before she spoke.

"I need for you not to add this to the list of reasons you have to find 'the truth'. I've dealt with it. I've coped with it. You need to know that I" She broke off. "Something happened to me when I was abducted, Mulder, something that left me barren" She said it without a hint of emotion. She was talking as if she didn't care about it. He knew that couldn't be the case.

"Shit. I... I'm so sorry, Scully" Mulder told her through rapidly forming tears. He didn't know what else to say. What the fuck could he say to that? If it hadn't been for him this wouldn't have happened. Him and his fucking quest. He'd hauled her into it and she'd lost so much because of it. Because of *him*.

"It's ok. I mean, I guess I just never realised... how much I wanted it until I couldn't have it" She told him as silent tears traced down her cheeks. She wiped hastily at her tears and willed herself to get back in control of her emotions. This wasn't what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she should have just lied? Or avoided the truth atleast. 

"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked to talk" She said with a self concious smile. "I, uh, how are *you* feeling?" She asked him. God. Why was this so damn hard! Why?! She wanted to scream at the injustice of everything. Some bastard drugged her so she'd rape her best friend, Someone killed her sister, she'd been left barren. It was all so unfair! So goddamn cruel! 

She'd had to tell him about it too which made it so much worse. She felt so oddly inadequate about the fact she couldn't have children. The one thing that was meant to be a given and she couldn't do it. It hurt to tell someone about it. She wanted to curl up in his arms and weep into him while he soothed her. She couldn't do that though and that hurt even more. She had no one to share in her grief. No one that wanted to have children with her. No one that felt the loss of that joy as acutely as she did. Not even Mulder.

"I feel awful, Scully. What you've had taken from you because of me is just..."

"Damn it, Mulder. It's not because of you! Not everything is about you!" That wasn't what she'd meant when she asked how he was. She'd meant the rape. Not this! "Please don't do this to me. Don't make me feel responsible for putting you through some misguided guilt trip as well as everything else!" Her breath came in irritated puffs and she stood abruptly. He could be so damn selfish sometimes. She couldn't have children and somehow it was all about him. Somehow it was always about it. Fucking hell. She adored him but he could be such an ass sometimes.

Scully rushed off to the kitchen and started pulling out groceries to prepare for dinner. It was nearly seven so it was a pretty late dinner but to be honest she wasn't even hungry. She'd just wanted something to do. Some way out of that conversation.

"Scully?" She turned with an arched eyebrow and saw Mulder standing at the kitchen doorway. "I'm sorry if I'm making you feel like that. It wasn't my intent. I just... I feel awful. Is there anything I can do for you?" 

What else could he say to her? He felt absolutely disgusted that she'd went through that alone. She couldn't have children. Oh God. What was he meant to say to make that better? He couldn't wrap his head around it. His poor Scully. His heart ached at the thought of it. What must she have went through? Alone. 

"Thank you but it's really not nessasary. I don't want your pity. Especially after what I've done. I should be the one asking you what I can do for *you*" Scully signed and started browning mince. Mulder came up behind her. He wanted to be close to her. How could he help? What should he do? 

"How about I finish up that and you can go and watch tv?" He asked close to her neck. He saw the tendons in her neck tighten as she swallowed heavily. "I just, God, Scully, I want to do *something*. Please." He practically begged. He knew that making dinner for her wasn't nearly enough. She couldn't have children! A plate of spaghetti bolognese and a warm hug wasn't going to fix a damn thing. Jesus. He just felt so helpless! 

"Fine. I'll be in the livingroom" Scully relented. Years of working with him had taught her to just let some arguements go. She couldn't pander to him. She'd just leave him to his stupid self hatred. She just didn't have it in her to try and help him feel better right now. She just... didn't. She had faced what had been done to her and she felt like she'd moved on from it and closed what might have become a chapter in her life. She had grieved and broken but she'd moved on. Hadn't she? She had thought she'd healed but telling him had hurt her. Seeing the pity for her on his face made all the pain sharp again just as it was when she first heard the news. Maybe she wasn't over this. Maybe she never would be. Maybe she'd just pushed it aside as she did so many things.

Scully sat on the couch and switched the tv on. She didn't even bother to put on a specific channel. She just wanted Mulder to think she was fine and watching TV. She wasn't either. She felt so depressed again. It was so hard for her to get her mind to cope with everything. So much had happened, to them both. 

It was too much for her. She didn't want to slip into the childlike state she had been in so she pulled away from the excruciating pain. She kept trying to stay present. Her tears fell in earnest and her head started to hurt. 

She couldn't stand being here in the livingroom alone anymore. She wanted to be near him. To ground herself to the one good thing that remained. He was such a constant in her life. She didn't need to talk or bear her soul. She just needed to be near him. She got up from the couch and walked through to join him.

Scully got to the kitchen door and froze. Shit. He was crying. He had his back to her but she could tell. Was he finally starting to break over what she'd done to him? It had to be that. It couldn't possibly be just because she couldn't have children. What did that have to do with him? Really? Nothing. He wasn't her lover or a possible father to her non existent children. Why would he care? 

"M. Mulder?" She said softly walking over to him.

"Scully. Shit. Sorry" He said while he angrily rubbed his cheeks dry. He turned to her with a fake smile. She could tell it was fake. Why didn't he want her to see him crying? He'd done it before. Why was this different? She frowned in confusion.

"Do you want to tell me why you're crying?" She asked boldly. This was never going to go any further if they didn't talk and in spite of how much it was upsetting her she knew they needed to be open.

"Not really" He replied with a small sniff and went back to stirring chopped tinned tomatoes into the pot. He'd already added everything else and it just had to simmer now which he wasn't really happy about. It gave him nothing what so ever to occupy his mind.

"Please" She said taking a seat at the table. He'd pushed her and now she had to push him.

"I just... Why didn't you tell me when you found out? Is there anything that can be done?" He rushed out in a breath. He kept his back to her and pointlessly stirred the pot. He couldn't look at her. Couldn't deal with what he might see there. Didn't she understand? It *was* his fault. He'd taken so much from her. 

Why couldn't she see that the only person in the world he'd have children with was her? His chance of fatherhood had just died. Of course he was fucking crying! Not that he had assumed he'd ever be lucky enough to be with her but when he thought of ever having kids she was *always* the mum. Always. He'd had atleast a tiny speck of hope until now. It had been buried and faint but what she'd said made him realise he had wanted it. Badly. He had longed for a 'normal' life with her. 

His mind had ran to images of the two of them tucking their kids in. Of early school runs. Of scraped knees and cosy winter nights. Of building snow men and drinking hot coco. Of he and Scully tumbling into a warm bed after an exhausting day. Of making quiet tender love to her so the kids didn't come through. Of Christmas mornings and family hugs. He'd wept quietly over it as she'd sat in the livingroom. He remained silent in his heartbreak. He wouldn't tell her.

To have the slightest hope of all of that pulled out from under him was devastating. How could he explain that? He knew he couldn't. Christ. That would scare the hell out of her. They weren't even together. How could he even try to explain the crushing weight he felt.

"I apologise for not telling you, Mulder. I don't know why I didn't. There's nothing the doctors can do and to be honest it's not as if it matters at this point. I don't exactly have potential father's knocking down my front door, do I?" She tried to joke. He saw no humor in it so he didn't even smile. Jesus. If only she knew. He didn't say anything back. He couldn't lie to her so he just said nothing. He did that often, he realised.

"You didn't answer me, Mulder. Why were you crying?" She pressed. 

Scully needed to know what was going on. She felt like a dog with a bone but she wouldn't let it go. He was keeping something from her. She knew he was. Atleast her instincts for his behaviour were back on track if nothing else.

"It doesn't matter, honey. I'll be fine. I guess it just caught me by surprise." He didn't notice that he'd called her honey. It just slipped out. He smiled a little at her to try and ease the uncomfortable tension about her inability to conceive. 

Scully noticed. God. She definitely noticed. Honey? Hoo boy! He'd called her that before but she'd been a bit too out of it to notice or care. She cared now. Honey! Oh God. She felt her face flush and a warmth spread through her. How could he make that sound so damn good. 

She wasn't typically a fan of pet names. Jack, an ex of her's, had called her stuff all the time. Nothing just for her; dear, sweetheart and cutie being just some of them. She couldn't remember them all now. Never honey though. That was just Mulder. 

She instantly loved it. She wanted to be Mulder's honey! Her heart pounded. What had he said again? Shit. She totally forgotten. She hoped it wasn't important. She could barely even recall what they were speaking about. Honey. She was his honey? She felt a smile tug at her lips. The word kept resounding in her head. 

"Ok. I'm really sorry I didn't say anything. I guess I really am terrible at letting people in." Scully told him with a small smirk once her brain actually kicked in and moved past 'honey'.

"The bolognese won't be ready for awhile. It'll need a good twenty minutes simmering to reduce. Is that ok?" Mulder said. He wanted out. Out if this conversation. Out of this pain. He was completely alone in it. It wasn't as if he could tell Scully how he felt. He still *could* have children technically. He'd never want a family with another woman though and he knew he couldn't lay that in her. He felt like a child he loved but had never known had just died. It was stupid but he felt so broken over it.

She acted better now than she had but she was still fragile. Mulder knew he had to remember that. He couldn't burden her with his hopeless dreams. God. It wasn't as if it was ever even going to happen. Why did it hurt so much? Even if what happened last night had never occurred it still wasn't on the cards. He never realised how much he'd hoped that it was. How much he'd almost convinced himself very deep down that it was a possibility. This was breaking his heart. He needed a moment away.

"Can you put the pasta on in a bit. I'm gonna nip in the shower if that's ok?" Mulder didn't even wait to see her weak nod before he left the room. His tears starting anew as he grabbed his bag and practically ran to the bathroom. 

He closed the door with a bit too much force and quickly turned to nob for the shower. As soon as he thought the noise of the water would muffle his cries he let them out. Sobbing and heaving. Mulder wasn't much of a crier but when he did cry, really cry, he found it hard to stop.

He pulled a towel off the rail and screamed into it. Why did this happen? *Why*?!? Fuck! He couldn't believe how much 24 hours could turn his life upside down. Not only did they have to deal with what had happened at his apartment but he now also had her infertility to deal with. It never rains but it fucking pours. God damn it! He hated everything. 

He cursed a God he didn't believe in and climbed into the shower after pulling his clothes off viciously. He wept at the huge stabbing and clenching pain he felt, trusting the water to steal away the tears that ran down his face. He couldn't go back out there with the evidence of his heart break written all over his face. He couldn't face the questions she'd have.

He curled up at the bottom of the shower and stayed there for what felt like forever. Just willing himself to calm down enough and go back out. He couldn't be this selfish! She needed him right now. She really did and forcing her to ignore her own pain and focus on his wasn't what he wanted her to have to do. 

Scully poured in the spaghetti once the water was boiling in the pot. What the hell was his fucking problem?! What, he could deal with rape but not her keeping something to herself. Selfish bastard! It was her damn business! What the hell was going on? She wasn't an idiot she knew he'd left to avoid talking to her. Was the fact she hadn't told him just the straw that broke the camels back. Did he realise that there was no point in trying so desperately to save their friendship now. Scully's emotions flitted from sadness to annoyance and back again so many time it almost made her head spin. 

Why couldn't he see she'd just had to deal with it alone? It wasn't exactly a topic that was likely to come up so when *could* she have told him even if she'd wanted to? Telling him had been like picking at an old wound until it reopened and bled. So fucking painful! She wished more than anything at that moment that she could be *normal*. Have a normal life. 

She'd given that up for him. But she'd do it all again in a heart beat. Didn't he see that? She'd chosen him! She'd done it a hell of a long time ago and she hadn't looked back. Yes, it had come with sacrifice and pain but it was worth it! Why did he have to feel guilty all the time and end up making her feel even worse.

She felt so vulnerable for feeling such a lose of control. She felt angry at herself for blaming him for making her feel guilty but then she'd feel guilty for being angry with him and the whole damn cycle would start again. She wished she could cry just a little more. As much as she was sure she didn't deserve that relief she so badly wanted it right now. 

Mulder finally stopped crying and pulled himself upright on shaky legs. He got dry and dressed in his pyjamas. He was sure Scully wouldn't mind him being in them since she'd shown no concern what so ever to his sweats earlier in the day and they were basically the same. He hated that he had to think of stupid little things like if they showed off the outline of his dick too much or where he'd sleep or if he should wear boxers under his pyjamas. He felt about sixteen all over again. 

Scully heard him leave the bathroom just as the food was ready. 

"I'm just dishing up, Mulder. You ready?" She called and then startled as she looked up at the end of her words to see him already standing in the doorway. She blushed a little. The familiar awkwardness filling the room. She hated that it was familiar! Why couldn't they just face their fears and talk? As much as she wished he could she knew she wasn't exactly Miss Open Book either. 

She was so worried of saying too much and scaring him away. Of breaking the tenuous hold she had on their friendship. The way he'd reacted to her infertility only served to infuriate her and remind her how much distance was really between them. She felt like she couldn't be angry with him anymore though. Not after what she'd done. 

There was just too much between them now, wasn't there? Would they ever get things back on track? Could he ever truly forgive her? 

"Scully, I'm always ready for food. You know that." He told her with a smile "bring on my dinner woman" He told her in a teasing tone. She smiled a little in amusement, her bad mood vanishing. Why couldn't they be this way all the time she wondered. It was so easy.

Despite Mulder's teasingly misogynistic words he went to the fridge and got the wine to go with their dinner and began setting her table for them.

"Oh, actually I thought we could eat in the livingroom." Scully told him when she noticed what he was doing. She hadn't said anything and her mind had been too busy thinking things over before to care too much but the dinning table chairs really dug into the bruises on her back. 

"Uh, sure. Why?" Mulder asked curiously. He didn't peg Scully for eating at the couch with food on her lap. In fact in the years they'd been working together he didn't think he'd even seen her eat a meal without a table.

Scully blushed pink. She didn't want to admit to him that the chairs were hurting her. It seemed too much like admitting to weakness. She reminded herself that she was trying to get past thinking of being weak as a bad thing. She had to sort out what she considered weak anyway. Being hurt wasn't weak she told herself. Besides this was Mulder.

"The, uh, chairs in here were kind of hurting my back earlier" She told him keeping her eyes on the plates she was dishing up. God, that felt embarrassing to admit!

"Oh, sure. I didn't think, I'm sorry" He told her and started to take the bottle of wine and glasses through. He felt himself smile a little that she'd admitted to any kind of pain. Scully could normally have a severed limb and still insist she was 'fine' and could work. He was overwhelmingly glad she'd shared something like that with him. 

Mulder set the stuff down and went back to retrieve his cutlery and plate. She just smiled at him and followed him through doing the same. 

Scully surprised him by grabbing a cushion from the couch, putting it on the floor and sitting on top of it at the coffee table. He *knew* she wasn't one to sit with food on her lap. He smirked a little but joined her on the floor with another cushion. 

Mulder poured them both some wine and started digging in. Scully did the same. 

After a few minutes he felt the silence shift between them, becoming uncomfortable. How could it be that he spent all his time with this gorgeous woman and yet couldn't think of a damn thing to say to her. Stupid! He cursed himself. He took a small quick gulp of wine, building courage. 

"So, what do you fancy doing this week, Scully? We're footloose and fancy free, as they say." Mulder said in an obvious attempt to break the silence.

"Are we?" She asked before taking a huge sip of her wine and raising her eyebrows without looking at him. His eyebrow's knotted in confusion. "That saying... it means that one is free from all attachments" She took another sip "more specifically romantic one's" 

What was she asking him? Was this... did she want what he hoped she did? Had they somehow started a relationship? He wanted to be with her so badly! He didn't want to jump the gun but she had held his hand and... ok, yes, she hadn't told him she was barren before today but she *did* tell him. That was something, right? She'd let him in. Oh God! Was she asking him if he wanted to be with her? Asking if they could try? Jesus! 

Scully couldn't believe the words had actually come from her mouth! What the hell was she doing?! She could hardly breath! She didn't want the answer! She couldn't deal with it. She had thought she could. She really had. After everything that had happened and the secrets shared she'd honestly thought she could do this. That she could put her heart on the line like this whether it ended up broken or not. She couldn't do this! God. What was she *thinking*!?

"I love the wine, Mulder. Thank you again for buying it" She smiled at him and hoped to God that he'd understand that she wanted to change the subject. He usually let her do it. He usually sensed when she couldn't deal with something and let her shy away when she needed to. This past day had put all bets off though. 

"Yeah, you've got good taste" He said smiling at her. He was going to let her do it again. Shy away from what she'd said. Her thankful eyes met his and he realised the instant that ice blue eyes locked hazel he couldn't do it. He couldn't just leave that hanging. He reached over and filled up her empty glass. Her watchful eyes on him the whole time "and just so you know, if we're going with that definition, I guess I haven't been footloose and fancy free since you came out of your coma" He told her without looking at her and sipped his own glass.

Since *then*. What!? She knew he'd said he had wanted her since they'd met but he surely hadn't had *feelings* for her since Duane Barry? Having real feelings for someone and wanting to simple fuck them were two entirely different things. He couldn't have serious feelings for her! She felt her eyes mist over. She wished she could believe that he felt something deep for her.

She had tried, while he was shopping earlier, to pinpoint the exact moment when she had fallen completely in love with him. It had felt like the transition from day to night. So slow. Respect to fondness to friendship to love. 

She had worked it out eventually and brought it down to the case with Donnie Pfaster. He was a sick man who defaced the dead and turned to homicide in order to procure the objects he desired. A death fetishist. He had kidnapped Scully and her life was threatened. She had been terrified but Mulder had saved her. That wasn't what made her realise her love for him though. It wasn't the white knight routine that had thrilled her. No. It was afterwards. She let herself hug him. She'd let him in emotionally. It was just for a moment but she'd let someone *in*. She had felt so safe in his arms. So warm and protected. She knew she loved him then. Afterwards he'd taken her out for her favourite meal and he'd held her hand when the plane took off to try and comfort her. It was just a friendly comforting jester but she knew then. Just *knew* that she had fallen completely, utterly, irrevocably in love. Maybe it had been before then but that was the exact moment she remembered realising it. 

She likened falling in love with him to reading in the dark. You read all day and at some point or another you realise it's getting too dark to see the words, you switch on the light and you have absolutely no idea how you'd been reading before. Mulder was her light and she had no idea how she'd *ever* lived not loving him.

Scully just smiled over the table at him. Having no clue what to say back to him, yet again. She gulped at her wine to try and dull her fear. Half her mind screamed at her 'kiss him, for the love of God, kiss him!' The other half was skittering away from the unknown. The fear of losing what was already so delicate threatening to turn her into a brain dead mush. Admitting her feelings to him made her think of touching ash. It crumbled and dissolved before you could even feel it on your fingertips. She would rather be able to look at the ash, keep it held together, appearing tangible, solid. 

She didn't want Mulder's care to crumble beneath her. She kept going between wanting to admit her love and wishing to run screaming away. God. This whole thing was so screwed up. Scully gulped down the rest of her wine in a few short sharp swallow's. She'd hardly touched her food. She really wasn't hungry at all. 

Mulder filled her glass again a little reluctantly. That was her third in half an hour. He didn't want her to turn to drinking tonight to avoid what she was feeling. Drinking alcohol was a little bit of a sore subject for him. His father had done that ever since Samantha had been taken and although Mulder could understand it he didn't think it was the best way to deal.

He didn't want her to feel the need to numb her pain by drinking. She was just picking at her food and she was on her third glass of wine. He knew she drank a glass or two of red wine on a near weekly basis while she relaxed in a bubble bath. She'd said it to him once while moaning slightly about a case on a weekend. Still, it was the *way* she was doing it thst worried him. Gulping it down like she was parched. 

"You, uh, don't like the food?" He asked her. He didn't want to tell her to calm down drinking. She was an adult and that wasn't his place. 

"Oh" She said, almost startled that he'd been paying attention "No, it's lovely, Mulder. You really *can* cook." The words felt odd in her mouth and she was starting to get the somewhat unfamiliar tingle of being tipsy. Although she liked to relax with some red wine she very rarely let herself get even remotely tipsy. She hated the feeling of being out of conrol. Plus she had to be in a constant state of readiness incase some case or another came up.

She found that it was helping her. Helping forget the pain of her infertility and the deep regret of what she'd done to Mulder. She winced a little at the thought. She was *not* one to self medicate. That was weak. She didn't need that. She only needed herself and her internal strength. That seemed to be in short supply right now though so she reached out for her glass again. 

Mulder had had enough of it. Granted she wasn't drunk, not nearly, but he didn't want her to try and blank this out. He'd seen his father do it and ruin his life. It was a dangerous path to start on! He clamped his hand over her glass the second she reached for it. 

Scully looked questioningly at him in shock. What the hell? It wasn't as if she was wasted. What was he doing?!

"I think that's enough, Scully" He told her and pushed the glass back on to the table.

"Excuse me?" She said in annoyance. How fucking dare he! She wasn't a child.

"Scully, what are you doing?" He asked her gently. He knew this wasn't like her. He knew she didn't do things like this. 

"I *thought* I was having a meal with my friend. Apparently I've morphed into an adolescent who needs to be controlled without my knowledge" She spat at him

"No, Scully. Not controlled. Never. I just... it's worrying me a little" He told her just as gently. She was still looking at him with acid in her gaze. He decided to explain a little more "When Samantha was abducted my family fell apart. You knew that already, I guess... what I haven't went into before is what my father did. He started drinking. At first it was maybe once a month or after my parents had a fight but... but then it became ever day. Ever damn day, Scully. I didn't understand it all at the time but I know now that he was blocking out the pain. Trying to numb himself. I, I don't want you to feel like you have to numb any pain... I'm here, Scully... Dont get me wrong I couldn't give a shit if you poured yourself through the keyhole after a night out so long as you were drinking because you were having fun, not because you were in pain. Never drink to ease pain" 

Scully could feel tears rolling quietly down her face. God. He was right. What the fuck was she doing?! She was drinking to help. What had she become?! 

"I... You're right. I'm sorry" She told him quietly. Her voice full of shame and her eyes downcast. Her face grimacing in a effort to hold back her tears. "I just... God, Mulder, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to cope with this." She put her elbows on the table and her face in her hands. 

Mulder moved around to sit beside her. He put his arms around her and let her cry. She had cried a lot ever since what happened which was understandable but he could tell she was annoyed at herself over it. She hated to be seen like this. She didn't cling to him or even acknowledge his presence. She just cried into her hands. He pulled at her body to get her to face him. She needed to know she wasn't alone in this. That it was ok to let it all out. That he didn't think less of her for crying and he would support her. 

Scully felt him start to pull at her body. She had an instance of hesitation but then she remembered that she'd promised to try and let him in. She let him pull her to his chest and sobbed it out. Everything hurt so much! She wanted it to stop. To just... stop! 

"That's it... get it out, honey. I'm here. I'm right here." He said to her in a soothing tone. He rubbed very gently at her back. 

Her tears eventually dried up and she pulled away. She wouldn't meet his eyes. He kissed her forehead and went back to his place. 

"Thank you, Mulder." She told him with a small smile. "I'm sorry I keep crying" She gave him a self concious look. 

"Do not *ever* be sorry for showing your emotions, Scully. Especially to me. Ok?" She nodded and looked up at him. He was shocked at the flood of adoration he felt for her when their eyes met. It was so strong! He knew he was in love with her but at that very moment he felt bursting with it. He wanted to tell her. To admit to her something that broke all the little rules between them.

"Is it too cold for you now? I can heat it up for you?" She said as she raised her own fork to her mouth. Her appetite fully returning. She wolfed into her meal before he could even respond. He was glad to see her eating. She had to be starving. 

Mulder was right. He really could cook, she thought. It was a little cold but she was too hungry and it was too tasty to care about the temperature. She felt better after crying. Ahab was wrong about it, she thought. He had seldom been wrong but he was wrong about crying only dehydrating you. She felt renewed from it. She also felt a little ashamed at how she's been guzzling down the wine before in a foolish attempt to dull her pain and confusion. So what if she didn't really know how to feel? It was all part of healing, she guessed. Besides Mulder was with her and he hadn't once treated her like she was foolish for what she was going through. 

Mulder never answered her, just started digging into his own food. It was pretty damn good if he said so himself. They spoke away easily now that the tension and fear had been cut. She told him all about her mother's attempts at starting a vegetable garden and they spoke of old cases. She even chuckled a few times at his jokes. 

They finished their meals but they didn't move, both engrossed in the conversation with the other. Mulder loved seeing her like this. She was his usual Scully at that moment only more open. She was much more willing to show her emotions and voice her opinions on personal matters. She had never been quiet at work about cases and Mulder was ecstatic to see that she could be like this in her home life too.

"...I swear I saw her morph into a deer, Scully" Mulder said with enthusiasm, finishing off his story about an X-file he'd worked before she joined the unit. She rolled his eyes at him.

"And on that note" She laughed, picked up their plates and cutlery and went to the kitchen. Mulder came up behind her, laughing a little as her usual dismissal of the supernatural. 

"I'll wash, you dry?" He asked. Standing next to her at the sink.

"Oh, you don't need to do that. The Alien movie is playing tonight at ten. Why don't you go set it up and I'll do these." She said dismissively. 

Mulder rolled his eyes and pulled up his sleeves, ignoring her.

"Mulder" She whined out "you cooked." She started to playfully try and nudge him out of the kitchen. "Go, sit down" She said in exasperation when he didn't budge. 

"Ok, ok. You're really bossy. You know that?" He gave up. He didn't want to break the easy playful mood she was in. 

"Mmm hmm. You'd better get used to it" She teased. She didn't really mean to imply that this was something they would do together more often. She knew she would like more opportunities to spend evenings with him but she also knew that this wasn't normal and couldn't really be trusted. Whatever *this* was. 

Mulder went through and switched on the tv. He felt warm and content. A great meal, a great conversation and a happy Scully. He didn't think life got better than this. He drank the rest of his wine and went to throw out the empty bottle and take the glasses to Scully. 

He brushed past her deliberately on his way to the kitchen bin. He hoped he'd passed it off as accidental but judging by the grin she was trying desperately to hide he knew he'd been caught out. 

He placed the dishes to the side next to her so she could wash them. He fidgited on the spot for a second in nervous energy as he debating if he could give her another kiss on the cheek. He decided to chance his luck. She hadn't pushed him away yet. That was a good sign. He bent his head and placed a soft lingering kiss to her bruised cheek. It felt even softer than it had before. Maybe it was because the swelling had all but dissapeared. He felt the same pull of her muscles as he did before, she was smiling. He pulled away and went back to the livingroom without a word.

Scully had wanted to turn her head so badly and kiss him properly. The desire was so strong. She touched her fingers to the slight wetness on her cheek. His lips had been there. His *lips*! Christ! She wanted to kiss him properly! They had never actually kissed before. It was the one thing left that they could do properly. Her lip was still healing anyway she rationalised so it wasn't wise to kiss him. If she ever got that lucky she wanted it to be absolutely perfect! A cut lip didn't exactly scream perfection. 

Mulder sat on the couch flipping through chanel's until the Alien movie came on and Scully came back. He'd done it again! He had kissed her cheek and she hadn't flinched. This *was* going somewhere. It was. He could hardly even fathom it. She was allowing him in. Fucking hell. He wanted her so damn much. This was really happening! God, he loved her so much. He knew her feelings for him wouldn't extent to love but he would take whatever the hell she'd give him. He sat grinning like a Cheshire cat. She wanted him too. She had basically told him before but he was sure of it now. He'd try and keep going slowly because of everything that had happened. Regardless of the fact that she wanted him she still had to be traumatised. She *wanted* him! Really did want him. He was sure this could lead to something amazing. Jesus! How was he this damn lucky?! 

Scully walked back through to the livingroom after putting away the clean and dry dishes. Mulder lay on her couch and her breath caught a little at the sight. He looked so damn sexy laying there. In his pyjamas and his hair falling adorably into a messy mop on his head. She wanted every day to be like this. Well, maybe not *exactly* like this but the part that got her very handsome partner laying on her couch. 

The tipsy feeling had gone completely when he'd repremanded her for the way she was drinking. She felt warm and tingly but she knew it had nothing to do with the wine she'd gulped down. 

She walked over and smiled at him. He moved his legs so she could sit down. She had to be brave! She lay her head on his lap without any words and hoped it was ok. She had loved falling asleep on him like this before. It was such a couple thing to do. Snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie. She smiled internally at the thought. Her mind struggling to understand what was happening. She was really here. After what she'd done to him because of that fucking asshole she never thought this would happen. Never thought he'd be fine with her laying this close to him. God. She was so fucking lucky! How could he forgive her? How could he be happy with her? 

He put his arms around her small frame smiling at the fact she had done it. He felt so proud of her for pushing past the fear she had and allowing whatever was evolving between them to happen. He raised one arm and played lazily through her hair again.

"Mmm" She moaned as his fingers brushed at her scalp. It was so damn sensitive and it felt *so* good. She'd had actually been known to go to the salon for a shampoo and blow dry just to feel the soothing, almost erotic, feel of the them massaging the shampoo and conditioner into her head. Not that she'd ever admit to that. 

"I've got popcorn by the way if you wanted some for the movie?" She said to him from his lap. 

"No, it's ok. I don't want you move anyway." He admitted and felt her smile. 

"'Mmm 'kay." She said. Mulder thought it was one of the most erotic sounds he'd ever heard but controlled himself. No way in hell was he going to get another erection when she was laying on his lap.

The movie started and they never spoke. He just kept brushing through her hair. His other arm hanging over her tiny waist. This was so perfect! His heart had never been so content! He held the live of his life in his arms and if he wasn't mistaken he was going to be in a serious relationship with her very damn soon. 

The movie ended and Scully gave a yawn. It wasn't too late but she felt so tired since what had happened. It was probably her body trying to heal the bruises quickly. 

Scully got up slowly from his lap and a moment passed between them when their eyes connected. She blushed a little as a sharp desire to kiss him came over her again. She took a deep breath to calm herself and leaned forward. She placed a lingering kiss on his cheek. Hopefully it was sending the right kind of message. She hoped to God he understood just how much she wanted him but that she needed to go slowly. This was all so new and terrifying for her.

She'd had relationships in the past of course but none with someone she loved as much as Mulder. None that felt as intense as this. They hadn't even kissed and it was the most intense relationship she'd ever had. 

Mulder gripped at the back of her head as her lips met his cheek. Jesus. If he felt like this just from being kissed on the cheek by her what would it be like when their lips finally met. 

She pulled back and her eyes locked with his. Her pupils were dilated to such an extent that the sapphire only formed thin rings around them. She was turned on. He would bet all the money he had that his eyes were similar. 

She gave him a big smile. One that help promise but her eyes held reluctance. She wanted him, just not tonight. Not when the pain of what she had done to him, to them both, was still so fresh in her mind. 

"I'm really tired so I'm gonna go to bed. You can stay up with the tv if you want." She told him. She knew he was a terrible sleeper and preferred to stay awake most of the night watching TV. 

"I, uh, I'm actually pretty tired too" He felt a little shocked to find it was the truth. 

Scully nodded at him with another small smile.

"Um... so where'd you keep extra blankets and stuff?" He asked. He wanted to sleep in bed with her like he had last night. God, was it just last night? It felt like years ago. He didn't want to be presumptuous though and just walk through with her.

"Oh, you don't want to...umm... I'll go get them" She said back. He didn't want to sleep in bed beside her? Fuck. She was such an idiot! Of course he didn't! She'd raped him and she was living in a God damn fantasy world thinking that he would feel safe with her in a bed. 

She moved away from him before he could see the rapidly forming tears filling her eyes. What had she expected?! For God's sake! She had lulled herself into such a false state of happiness. What a stupid little girl! 

"Scully?" He knew she was hiding her sorrow. He just didn't know why. What had he done? He didn't want to push her by sleeping in bed with her. Sure, they'd had a few moments but sleeping in the same bed when she didn't need him to was probably going too far.

"It's nothing, Mulder" She told him with her back to him. She was blinking rapidly at the tears, willing them away. 

"Please, talk to me. I won't know what I've done wrong unless you do, you know" He told her in a light tone. Trying to diffuse the tension. He honestly didn't understand what he'd done. He'd upset her somehow and he mentally cursed himself for it.

"I just... I guess I had hoped you'd sleep with me... I mean... in my bed. Just sleep." She smiled shyly "obviously" She added. She felt embarrassment course through her again. She hadn't wanted to tell him but she was trying constantly to let him in. To tell the truth so she'd went against her better judgement and told him.

"No. I mean, I want to! I... I really do. I just... I didn't want to, uh, push it" He told her feeling like an emotionally backwards idiot. She beamed at him. Her tears completely gone. 

"Me neither" She blushed "I'd like you to though" She told him. Her face still flushed slightly. 

He gave her a smile and walked over to her. He cupped her cheek tenderly. "I'd love to, Scully" He whispered looking into her eyes. She nodded and leaned into his touch a little. 

"I'll just go and get changed" She told him. "Wait here" She disengaged from him and went to the bedroom, shutting the door behind herself.

Scilly pulled on her pyjama bottoms and rubbed more cream into her torso and cheek. She considered leaving her back but she knew it would cause more problems. She couldn't even sit at her kitchen table because of the bruises on her back. She pulled her robe off of thwehook at the back of her door and held it up at her neck. The material effectively covering her entire front. 

"Mulder?" She called and opened the door.

"Yeah?" He walked into her room

"Can you get back again?"

"Oh, yeah, sure" He took the tube of cream from her hand and she turned her back to him. He rubbed it in slowly and gently, as he had before. She hummed a little at the relief. 

Once he'd finished he retuned the top to the tube. She was a goddess standing before him and he just couldn't help but place a very light kiss to the nape of her neck. She gasped a little but his kiss was so light and quick she couldn't even be sure she'd felt it. 

"I'll let you get your top on" He told her and left the room without another word. She stood in shock for a few moments. Had he really kissed her there? Had she imagined it? If he had... Christ. That was a step up from a kiss on the check that could be brushed off as friendly. She'd stood half naked and he'd kissed the back of her neck. Definitely not just friendly. She put on her pyjama top after she mentally shook herself. 

She heard the toilet flush and went out the room. She passed him at the bathroom door. They just smiled and he went to the bedroom.

Scully went about her nightly routine of using the toilet, brushing her teeth and putting moisturiser on. Then left to go back to Mulder. Mulder in her bed. In her fucking *bed*. Jesus! 

She opened the door to find him bundled up in her blankets on the side he'd slept on last night. He'd only lay their twice but she felt herself already considering it 'his' side. She walked over to the other side and crawled in beside him. 

"Goodnight, Mulder" She told him and switched out the light. She moved over to him and was happy to find her arms already open waiting for her. She snuggled into them and felt him kiss the crown of her head.

"Goodnight, Scully" He whispered back


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you so much for your comments and kudos :-D They're like crack only, you know, not bad for my health. Sooo addictive! Let me know if you're all enjoying it so far :-)

Mulder woke up at first light and looked over to Scully. She was stunning! His breath actually caught slightly in his throat at the sight of her. Her auburn hair laying over her ivory skin. The way it lay over her face hid the bruise on her cheek and he found himself pretending that it had been different circumstances that had led him to her bed. He felt guilty about the way his mind kept working. He just couldn't help himself though. She looked so peaceful and happy in sleep. Snoring slightly. Her rosebud lips parted a little, showing a flash of her white top teeth. Her hair fell a little further down her face and tickled at her nose. Her perfect nose. Mulder had spent so many days getting lost in her side profile.

She screwed up her nose at the irritation her hair was causing. He smiled down at her. Just as he was about to brush the offending hair away her small hand sneaked out of the tangle of blankets and she rubbed at her face in a sleepy clumsy way trying to move the hair and itch the tickle. She frowned a bit and her breathing changed. She settled back down after she'd moved the hair and wrapped her arm around him again under the covers. She hummed happily. Mulder slowly rubbed at her side. He marveled at the slope of her waist. She had such a perfect hourglass figure. He closed his eyes and felt himself being swept up by sleep again. Her warm body cuddled in close to his. Her dainty snoring lulling him.

"Dana? Dana!?" Margaret Scully shouted as she walked into her daughters apartment. She had a key and had let herself in. She'd called her two nights ago and heard nothing back so she'd driven down to make sure everything was ok. She worried about her daughter constantly. She tried not to let that fear be known to Scully. She was far too independent to need her mother's worry. Ever since she'd been taken and was gone for three months her mother was sick with worry anytime she couldn't get a hold of her. What if something like that happened again? What if she lost her? She was her only living daughter since Melissa's murder. 

When she'd received no call back yesterday morning she'd toyed with the idea of coming over. She'd put it off all day and tried to convince herself everything was fine and she'd probably just been busy with a case. When the niggling worry hadn't abated by dawn and she'd spent the night tossing and turning she'd given up and drove to her daughters.

Maggie walked through the apartment. Atleast nothing was out of place so there hadn't been a struggle. Where the hell was Dana though?! Why hadn't she called her back? Was she out of town and had neglected to tell her? She made her way to the bedroom. What if she lay in bed ill or injured or... God, it didn't bare thinking about. She slowly opened the door. Her face pale. Terrified at what she'd see. 

"Dana? Sweetheart?" The door opened completely. Her eyes almost bugged out of her head. Her daughter was in bed... but not alone. Fox! She knew it! She'd seen the way they looked at each other. They'd probably been together for ages. Ever since she woke up from her coma. She knew something had to be going on with those two.

She had known while Dana was in her coma that Fox was in love with her daughter. The way he'd acted, she had just known. She was almost ashamed to admit it but she'd given up on the chance of her daughter coming home, Fox hadn't. She'd needed the closure of accepting the worst. He just couldn't. Maggie would have bet on him spending the rest of his life searching for her daughter had she not come back.

"Mmm..." Scully held Mulder tightly and slowly started to wake up. She jumped a little quickly when she realised what she'd heard had been her mother's voice. She jolted away a bit from Mulder, rushing to full wakefulness. Shit. She was laying in bed with Mulder and her mum had just walked in. She felt like a teenager who'd been caught necking. Oh God. This was embarrassing! She quickly pulled away from Mulder's arms. He woke up too at her almost violent movement. He looked comically between Mother and daughter and felt his face flush a little. 'Oh, brilliant' he thought sarcastically. 

"Mum? Oh, God. Umm..." Her face flooded scarlet. She pulled further away from Mulder. Jesus. This was so embarrassing! She felt mortified! 

"I'll just wait in the livingroom for you both to get dressed, Sweetie." Maggie said with a smile and turned to leave the room. Scully turned wide eyes to Mulder. What the hell was she meant to do? She groaned and closed her eyes. Everything they'd been through together and all the things they were trying to work out between them, this was the last thing they needed! Trying to explain the nature of their relationship to her mother. *She* wasn't even sure what it was so how could she tell her mother.

Oh, God. She knew her mother would have about a million questions. The answers to which Scully didn't have. How the hell was she going to explain what Mulder, her work partner, was doing in bed with her. Her brain worked overtime to come up with answers. Her bruises! Oh, shit. She'd forgotten about the damn bruise on her face. Jesus. This was so awkward. Poor Mulder! 

"I fell down some stairs chasing a suspect, ok?" Scully told him quickly, he nodded at her. At least she could control *that* question. She jumped out of bed and started going through drawers and hauling out clothing. Mulder just watched her wide eyed. What was Maggie going to think? Would Scully break down again? Mulder's head spun.

Once she'd gotten her clothes she was faced with a huge dilemma. Should she face her mother's questions and get dressed in the bathroom or stay and dress here, avoiding more questioning from her? Her mother would definitely think it odd that she could share a bed with a man but not dress in front of him.

Mulder had seen her naked. Christ, she'd bucked and writhed on top of him in nothing but a skirt that was rolled up to her waist. Still, she didn't know if it was odd to shed her pyjamas in the same room as him. He was fine, he had seemed fine. Hadn't he? He wouldn't be traumatised. He'd rubbed cream into her back a lot so he wasn't uncomfortable with her, was he? He'd bathed her too so it wasn't as if the sex/rape had been the only intimacy between them. Then again she'd been out of it when he'd done that so she doubted that counted and he'd only rubbed the cream on to help her. Maybe he was seriously uncomfortable with her being naked. Maybe he was just pretending. Christ. Why the hell had her mother had to show up? As if things weren't difficult enough already. She wanted to scream out in frustration!

Scully decided that getting quickly changed in front of Mulder was the lesser of two evils. She was sure he felt safe enough especially with her mother in the next room and he could always look away. It was better her Mother thinking they were just fucking than for her to know the shameful truth. She didn't want her to have any reason to think deeper on it. She turned her back and pulled off her top. She very hastily put on her bra and blouse. She sat on the edge of the bed to change her bottoms. That had to be better than showing him her ass. She blushed the whole time she changed. 

Mulder stared at her. He couldn't help it. He knew he should probably look away, leave her to change in peace but she'd just started getting naked in front of him. What the hell was he meant to do? He was only human and, Jesus, she was gorgeous. Holy Christ. Her bruises looked much better he noted as he gazed at her. The ones on her back had already faded to a dull yellow. Her lip had basically completely healed from what he could tell. From her position he couldn't see the front of her but his memory filled in the blanks minus the bruising. She was so beautiful! What mattered more to him was that she clearly trusted him enough to undress around him. Trust. It meant so much to him.

Scully turned to look at him after she got her jeans on. She gave him a small smile that he was sure was meant to be reassuring but she wasn't pulling it off. His mind panicked anew at the thought that her mum was in the livingroom and he knew from the look of worry on Scully's face that she was freaking out too. He didn't know how to feel about this strange turn of events. Atleast the pandemonium had chased away the morning wood he always got. 

Scully got up in shaky legs after pulling her socks on. She gave him an apologetic look and grimaced on another smile. She turned and left the room. Mulder wanted to follow her but he would give them time alone first. Besides, he could hear everything from the bed anyway. 

"Uhh, hey, mum" Scully said with a small smile. "Coffee?" She asked and went to her kitchen switching the machine on. She felt so flustered. She banged around and made a huge show of getting the coffee ready. 

"Dana?" 

"I really need to go out and buy sugar soon" Scully said. Her mind running too fast and trying to ignore the embarrassment at being 'caught' by her mother. 

"Dana?" 

"You don't take sugar but I really should have it anyway. You know, for other visitors and things." She rambled. 

"Dana!" Scully whipped her head around. Her mother laughed a little "Calm down. It's not the first time I've walked in on one of my children and their partner and I dare say it won't be the last." Scully's face was as red as her hair. Maggie thought they'd had sex. Well... she guessed they had, but... well, not last night anyway. God. She gave her mum a small embarrassed smile. Her mother chuckled. 

The coffee pot finished brewing and Scully poured them each a cup. Mulder chose that moment to come through. Scully got another mug down from her cupboard and poured him a cup too. 

"Hey, Mrs Scully" He said looking bashful and still in his pyjamas. He'd left his over night bag in the livingroom when he'd taken out pyjamas for after his shower last night. 

"Good morning, Fox" She said with a smile. She didn't look embarrassed or awkward at all with the situation. She was glad her daughter had found someone who was so clearly in love with her. 

Dana had never really opened up to anyone as a child and it had always slightly concerned Maggie. She had seemed to get a little more honest about her feelings as she'd grown and went off to med school. Then she'd clamped in on herself again. Maggie still didn't understand why her daughter found it so difficult to let anyone in. She hoped that this meant Dana had someone in her life that she could be open with, that she could let in and who would complete her. She'd always liked Fox and she knew he'd make her daughter happy. 

Scully walked back to the livingroom with the coffee's on a tray. 

"Oh, Dana. What happened?" Cried Maggie as she saw the bruise on her daughters cheek. Scully flushed bright red. What was she meant to say? Shit. She felt her eyes start to burn with unshed tears. Her mind went blank. She didn't want to lie to her mum but what else could she do. She'd had a lie planned out, she knew she had but she couldn't think of it now.

"She fell down some stairs chasing a suspect" Mulder said coming to Scully's rescue. He saw that she was struggling to lie to her Mother and he watched her as she blinked away tears and placed the tray down on her coffee table.

"I'd appreciate it if I could talk to my daughter alone, Fox" Maggie told him in a short voice while still watching Dana. Had he hit her? Not Fox. Surely not. He looked at her with such love. Then, why hadn't he let her answer for herself? And 'fell down some stairs'? That was textbook wasn't it. Her stomach rolled at the thought.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll just go for a shower and leave you two to talk" Mulder told them. He didn't understand the slightly clipped tone that had come from Mrs Scully. He shot Scully an apologetic look. She didn't want to be left alone, he could tell. He got his bag and retreated to the bathroom.

"Oh, but I poured you some coffee" Scully told him. She *really* didn't want him to leave her with her mother. Mulder might not recognise the look on her mother's face but Scully definitely did. She was about to get the Spanish inquisition. 

"Thanks but I'll give it a miss, Scully" He told her. He didn't want to leave her when she was so obviously distraught but he knew her mother wanted to talk to her and it wasn't his place. He wouldn't come between them like that, not even to help Scully. She'd be fine 

"Did he hit you?" Maggie asked through clenched teeth as soon as the bathroom door closed. 

Scully didn't know what she was expecting but that certainly hadn't been it. Hit her? Well... he had hit her but... fuck. It wasn't like that. What should she say? She felt like she was walking around with a rapist label on her. Her mum wouldn't be able to tell what happened. It was such an illogical fear to think her mum would find out.

"No! God, Mum" She said. She was almost insulted that her mum would think so badly of Mulder. Yes, he had hit her but it wasn't like that! It wasn't some kind of domestic violence. It was self defence. She felt annoyed at her mum for thinking even for a moment that he'd do that. She scowled at her and sipped at the too hot coffee. 

"I'm sorry, Dana, you're still my little girl so I'm going to worry about you. You didn't even call me back." She told Scully. A strange silence fell and they sipped at their coffee's. 

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't call back... Mulder would never hurt me, Mum" She told her sincerely. The thought of Mulder ever intentionally harming her outside of what he'd been forced to do didn't even compute in her head. He would never, ever harm her. She knew that without a shadow of a doubt.

"I know, Sweetie... but you didn't call me back and then I find you in bed with him when I didn't even know you were together and then you have a bruise. I just... I worried about you" Scully didn't know if she should tell her mother that they weren't really together. Would Mulder want her to? She felt like they were starting a romantic relationship but what did he feel? She didn't know. The lingering touches could all be explained away so what were they really? 

"I know, Mum, and I am sorry. I guess I just..." 

"Got busy?" Scully blushed at her mother's words. They held such a hidden meaning. She obviously thought that she'd been too into sex with Mulder to bother. How embarrassing! And how she wished it were true. 

 

"Dana, why didn't you tell me?" Maggie asked her. 

"Tell you what?" Scully asked before drinking a lot more coffee. She had no idea what her mum was talking about. Tell her about her bruises?

"About you and Fox" She said with a glint in her eye. What!? Scully's heart skipped a beat. Oh, God. If only her mother knew. 

"I, uh, I just didn't think that um..." She broke off. This was so awkward! Her mum just raised her eyebrow's at her and drank more coffee. 

Mulder came out of the bathroom then, showered and dressed. 

"Oh, Fox, perhaps *you* can tell me why you decided to keep your relationship a secret" Maggie's voice sounded teasing. She had no idea how uncomfortable she was making them both.

"Oh, well, uh, the romantic side of the relationship is still pretty new" He didn't know what to say. What had Scully already told her mother? He didn't want to get her in some kind of trouble.

"Mmm" Maggie murmured sounding skeptical. 

"He's right, Mum. It is. Uh, we weren't ready to tell anyone." Scully flushed. She hated lying! What else could she do though? And was she even really lying? Shit, this was so damn awkward! She couldn't tell her the truth and they were sort of together. Weren't they? They hadn't talked about it in so many words but they'd had... moments. 

"I see. Well, I'm still a little annoyed you didn't tell me, Dana, but I guess I can understand." She downed the rest of her coffee and stood up.

"I'm inviting you both for lunch on Sunday. I'll fix us a nice roast" She said putting on her jacket. 

"Mum...We might not even..."

"Mrs Scully, you don't need..." they both started to protest at the same moment. 

"I won't take no for an answer. I'll see you on Sunday" She told them both. She hugged Dana and then hugged Fox. "Have fun, kids" She smirked a little at them and let herself out the front door. 

They both let out shuddering breaths as Maggie Scully turned and walked to the door. That was *not* how she wanted her mother to find out about her and Mulder. If there was something to find out. He'd said 'romantic' though. That meant something, didn't it? Or had he just said what he thought Scully wanted her mum to know? 

As soon as the door closed behind her mum Scully turned to Mulder. "Did you mean that?" She asked him.

Mulder frowned "Mean what?" She stepped a little closer. She felt herself getting brave. She'd said she wouldn't push this. She'd said she'd see what he wanted. She'd said and thought a hell of a lot of things to herself but they all crumbled and faded into nonexistance when she remembered that he had basically told her mum they were together romantically. That's what he'd said right? Romantic. Jesus. That had sounded so nice. The word buzzed in her brain.

"That us being together *romantically* is pretty new." She smiled up at him. A full beam of a smile. He knew exactly what she was asking. He wasn't sure how much to tell her.

"I, uh, I meant that... well, It's whatever you..." 

Scully moved even closer to him and his words died on his lips. This is it she thought. This is the moment. Oh, God, this is it! I'm going to kiss him. I'm actually going to kiss him. Her heart hammered in her chest. She couldn't stop herself from doing it even had she wanted to. Like being pulled by a magnet.

She leaned up on tip toe. Her eyes locking with his. She moved at an almost glacial rate. Wanting to give him plenty time to pull away 8f he wanted to. She brushed her lips slowly to his. The feeling of the first touch was so intense that Scully forgot to breath for a moment. 

His lips felt wonderful, so soft! She felt in that moment that she'd never *truely* kissed someone before. It was as though her very soul wanted to join with his. It sparked and soared inside of her. Finally having found the other half of itself. 

Their lips still met a little hesitantly but soon soft tentative warming brushes dissolved into utter bliss. He'd never kissed someone like this. Never really loved someone he'd kissed. He understood it. This kiss was everything because *she* was everything. Her plump lips covered his and slid deliciously over them. 

Her hands came up to his shoulders gripping him. He let his hands cover over her tiny waist. The small dart of pain from the bruise there was utterly insignificant to her. He felt light headed and, oh, so thankful. Scully, Scully, Scully! He pulled her closer. Wanted to climb inside of her and be lost forever in this kiss. She gasped at the new contact of chests meeting. He used it to his advantage and slowly slipped his tongue into her mouth. 

He rubbed along her gum line and teased at the roof of her mouth. Then he nudged playfully at her tongue, begging it to play with his. She moaned. Or was that him? When her tongue caressed his. God. How could anything feel this amazing? She pushed into his eager mouth and he sucked her tongue in. *Sucked* her tongue. She surged into him and groaned. Who knew *that* was so hot? No one had ever treated kissing her like this. Like an art form. Like a symphony.

Their kiss became more frenzied from that moment. As always they were so perfectly in sych. Each one pushing at the same moment and pulling away for desperate gasps or air. His hands cupped her rounded bottom and she twisted her hands into his thick hair. Jesus. This was indescribable! She sucked at his bottom lip. How long had she wanted to do that? Too long! He shivered and slipped his tongue back into her mouth. He felt himself harden completely in his pants. Christ, she was so hot. This was Scully! *Scully*! His red headed beautiful partner. He'd never felt something this right. He could hardly get his head around it! Their lips kept meeting. Teeth nipped gently and tongues caressed. He crushed her hips to him. He wanted more. So much more. Wanted to meld and merge with her. Needed as much contact as possible.

She stiffened in fear the moment she felt his hard cock. A rush if sheer fear flooding her. Fuck. What the hell? She pulled away quickly. Her mind trying to shut down on her again. She held on. She would *not* do that. She wouldn't slip away from this. She'd started it. What had she expected to happen? She'd practically been fucking his mouth with her tongue. Of course he'd get hard. It was too much though. It reminded her of too much. God, she'd hurt him so badly. She had to have. She felt tears prick painfully at her eye's. A new shame writhing within her her. 

"I'm sorry" She said and quickly moved away. She blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of her tears. What was she doing? She wanted him. *Really* wanted him! And he was so ready for her. She'd freaked though. She was so terrified. She couldn't even understand what had just happened. Fuck. How pathetic! 

Mulder was left stunned. What had just happened? He frowned deeply. He was so confused. It was like whiplash. One minute they were hot and heavy and the next... what had happened? *She* had kissed *him*. She'd obviously wanted to. She'd *kissed* him. He felt warmth grow inside of him at that thought but she pulled away. She looked so scared. It had been incredible! He didn't know how to feel. 

It had been *so* fucking good! She'd tasted amazing too. Of bitter coffee and something sweet and dark. Something dangerously addictive. Something so purely Scully. But she'd moved away. Why? He knew it had to be because she'd touched his erection but it wasn't something he could control and he wasn't about to fuck her mindlessly on the floor. Surely she knew that.

"Scully? I... what's wrong?" He asked. She had just been standing there visibly shaking. 

"Nothing, no. It's just my lip" She lied. Her lip was completely healed and the kiss had felt incredible! She couldn't tell him that she was frightened. That was such a weak thing to do. She'd moved her body up and down furiously on his cock with absolutely no shame or fear but a mere touch of his erection to her stomach had got her shaking in fear and backing away.

"Don't lie to me... not about this. Please" He said trying to meet her eyes. She wouldn't look at him though. Wouldn't let him see the fear and self hatred and confusion in her eyes. 

"Can we just leave it? I'm going to go make breakfast. I've only had a coffee. Do you want anything?" Her eyes danced around and she licked her lips nervously. Mulder actually felt himself get angry at her. She couldn't avoid this! For fuck's sake! What was she doing? Ignorance was *not* bliss! No matter what Scully seemed to think.

 

"Stop, Scully." He grabbed her retreating form gently around the arm. "Please, just stop this" his eyes pleaded with her. She met his eyes eventually and he saw a slight gloss of tears there. Her face dropped a little.

Why was he doing this to her? Didn't he understand that she was so confused she could hardly see straight. Why did he have to keep trying to push her? She appreciated it but hated it at the same time. She knew she should be pushed and that it was helping but she could hardly stand it! It was so hard to constantly keep pulling down the walls that kept trying to rebuild without her permission. What did he want her to say? What did he expect? This was so new to her and she suspected that even had she not forced him it would still be this awkward.

"Don't push it, Mulder" She shook her arm out of his grasp. Her eyebrow's went up to her hair line and she looked at him in annoyance. Her stomach squirmed in fear and shame.

He felt himself wilt at what she was doing. He'd thought that kiss had been the start of something good. He couldn't do this. This wasn't working. He understood that she needed space and that she was hurting and traumatised but he needed her to let him in. Even just a little.

He decided at that exact moment that he was going home. He couldn't stay here with her. She was clearly extremely confused and although it hurt him to see her like that he couldn't handle her self preservation technique. It hurt too much! He had to peotect himself. He had to do this for himself. She was basically torturing him. She might not understand it but she was hurting him more by being hot and then cold with him. He'd rather she shut down entirely. She was essentially leasing him on. His eyes watered a little. He didn't want to leave her. He really didn't. But what else could he do? He had to protect himself.

"I'll skip on breakfast, Scully... I'm actually just gonna head home" Mulder told her while walking away to pick up his bag.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's taken so long to post. I got totally absorbed in reading a fanfiction. 
> 
> I'm loving this story right now so expect more soon :-)

"I'll skip on breakfast, Scully... I'm actually just gonna head home" Mulder told her while walking away to pick up his bag.

He got as far as touching the strap with his fingertips.

"No!" She called out. He turned around immediately. She was crying again. God, she hated this! Hated crying constantly. She felt so confused and embarrassed. She just couldn't stop the tears though. No wonder he wanted to leave her. She was such a mess. Blubbering like an idiot after kissing him like his lover. What the hell was she doing? She couldn't even explain what she was going through. Couldn't understand or sort through the range of emotions rushing through her.

He hated seeing her like this. Maybe he shouldn't be leaving but, God, he didn't know if he could do this anymore. She was fucking with his head although she didn't mean it. He needed some time alone, didn't he? He gave her a sympathetic look. He tried to give her an apology through just his eyes and he hoped it translated. He didn't *want* to leave her. He never *wanted* to but her actions were just too painful. He felt like he was walking on eggshells around her. No, not eggshells, actually it felt like he was walking on broken glass around her. It didn't matter which way he moved or how he tried to step, he was going to get hurt. And hurt her.

"Please, don't leave me" She whimpered. Her voice so broken and quiet that he was hardly sure he heard it. One look at her downturned mouth and her tears told him he had. His heart shattered. She kept her eyes trained to the floor. He wanted to sob. To scream at the injustice of everything. To wrap her up and never leave. To protect her, even if that meant he had to put her before himself again. It just all hurt so much. It hurt to see her crying. It hurt to feel her so close to him and then to have her pull away sharply. It hurt to be stuck in this fucked up awkward place with her. It just all hurt *so* damn much but he had to stay. He couldn't leave her. His heart broke at how cruel he was to have even thought he could leave.

Scully wasn't like this. Scully didn't cry. Scully didn't break down. After what had happened that's all she seemed to do though and she hated herself for it! He hated himself for making her feel the way she did.

He put his bag back on the floor. He didn't want to be selfish. He should stay. Ignore the pain and put her first. For as much as he had been hurt by her fear of his erection, she had been hurt a million time worse by what the drugs had made her do. 

He walked over to her and pulled her into a cuddle. "Why did you kiss me, Scully?" He asked her after her hands grasped around his waist. His breath tickling her hair.

"I... Why do you need to know?" She was so terrified! Why was he asking? She already told him what she'd liked about the sex/rape, him! Surely he didn't need more than that? He'd wanted the kiss too hadn't he? Why could he not just accept whatever it had been. He kept pushing. It was so hard but she knew she had to keep trying.

"Please, Scully. I just need to hear it." He said into her hair. It wasn't a bathroom door but they still weren't looking at each other. It was easier.

"I wanted to, I guess. I mean... I know this whole situation is awful and... I'm... well, I'm not making it easier" She chuckled a little at herself and held him tighter. Her face buried in his chest. She didn't want to look at him.

"Why did you want to?" Mulder needed her to admit to her feelings. To tell him that she still wanted him. That it wasn't just that she liked sex with him. It seemed stupid even to him but he guessed he needed the reassurance that they were on the right road. That they could move passed what had happened. Besides it would be good for her to voice what she felt and, hell, it'd be damn good to hear. He was pretty sure she either wanted him or just felt badly for him. He prayed it was the former. 

"Mulder..." She said back in a warning tone. Wasn't it fucking obvious? She'd said she wanted to, it was hardly a big leap to realise she wanted *him*. What did he want from her? She felt like she was trying to swim through extremely murky water. She had no idea where she was headed. She couldn't see where to go from this moment. She prayed to God that He'd help her through the dark place she found herself in. 

"Scully, tell me why" He implored.

"Damn it, Mulder. I... I have feelings for you, ok. Strong ones. I would have suspected that was obvious" She practically spat out. She was not ready to tell him the extent of her feelings. Not yet. She didn't want to tell him how in love with him she really was. She guessed that he needed to hear that she had feelings for him. It was obvious, she thought, but perhaps he needed the reassurance of hearing it.

"Mmm... you have no idea how amazing that is to hear, Scully" He said and kissed the top of her head. She had strong feelings for him! He had known that deep down she did but that little niggle had kept him thinking it was just the sex she'd liked or something. She'd said she'd liked him but having 'feelings' for someone and liking them were so different.

"I know you said you weren't ready to discuss what you wanted from me but I need you to know that whatever you want I'll give you." He told her. His voice shaking. He wasn't sure if she was ready to hear that. He wasnt ready for the possibility that she may not want to try either but he had to say it. Had to let her know he wanted this. He wanted it so badly! She'd kissed him after he'd said 'romantic relationship' so she must like the idea of it. "I'm sorry for acting the way I did after our kiss... for almost leaving. I just... I wish you could be more open with me" He finished. He pulled back to look at her.

"I want to try a relationship. I do. It's just...I'm not very good at these types of things under normal circumstances and I... I guess I'm just scared and I've never..." She looked away from him. She'd stopped herself before she could tell him how much she loved him. She almost said 'I've never been with someone I loved this much before" She'd felt the words bubbling up her throat but cut them off. 

She leaned up to him and met his lips in a chaste but lingering kiss. She smiled at him. She did want this. She loved him and her heart surged in the knowledge that she could actually kiss him. She knew she'd probably have to go slowly regardless of how much they both seemed to want each other. She shouldn't chance another freak out like that.

"I want to have a relationship with you too, definitely. Can you tell me what you're scared of?" He asked her as he pulled her into another embrace.

"Us." She said quietly after a pause. "It's a big deal Mulder. I mean... even without what I did to you. There's work, our friendship, what we each want out of our lives." She sighed "I, I just think... it's a lot. If we were to be together. Truly be together and it went wrong... You're my best friend and I don't know if I could risk... I don't want to lose you."

"You couldn't ever, honey. You mean too much to me" That's an understatement, he thought "We'll take it at whatever pace you want. I'll follow your lead. Okay?" He said. Holding her tightly. She felt incredible! She was so small in his arms. He felt her nod against him. He pulled back to smile at her. He was shocked to see that she had tears glossing her eyes. She smiled a little at him in an unsure way. He leaned into her lips again. Making sure to give her time to move away if she wanted to. He'd said he'd follow her lead so that's what he wanted to do. 

Scully quickly closed the distance and kissed him fiercely again. It was even better than their first passionate kiss. If that was possible. Her tongue dueling with his and her arms at his neck were sheer perfection. He heard her moan and his cock hardened against her stomach. He pulled away from her as soon as he felt himself start to lose control a little. He didn't want her to panic again. He never wanted to hurt her.

She looked hurt. Why had he stopped? She was enjoying it. Had she done something wrong? 

"I...I thought we were going to try." She said quietly to the floor after he pulled out of their frenzied embrace.

"We are. I just... I need to calm down a little, Scully, that's all" He told her. He felt ashamed of himself. His stupid body screwing things up. He cursed himself for pulling away but he'd had to.

"Oh... um. What if I don't want you to uh calm down" She told him. She looked him straight in the eye as she said it. She felt emboldened by their conversation. She was in a relationship with Mulder! It boggled her mind. She supposed she basically always had been in a way. Now it was clearly, as he had told her mother, a romantic relationship. She felt a hell of a lot safer. 

She still wasn't ready to have sex considering what she'd done to him but she felt sure she had calmed down enough that if they went slowly they could atleast fool around. She boldly grasped his erection. There was no fear this time. Just love. She was with the man she loved. And he was now her, what? Boyfriend? That sounded childish. He was her partner. Always her partner. It just took on a whole new meaning now though.

"Scully..." He moaned. Christ, hearing her say that made his desire for her peak even harder. Her tiny hand cupping his cock made him bite his lip. Was this too fast? Too much too soon. She'd paled the last time she had been near his dick but now... God, what was going on with her? He wanted her so badly! So damn badly but what if letting her do this ruined the fragile relationship they were forging? 

"I... I don't care if we never... kissing is enough. It's more than I ever thought I'd get"

Scully was warmed again at his words, at the honesty she heard in them. Not for the first time she wondered what *exactly* he felt for her. She graced him with a dazzling smile and unbuttoned and unzipped his trousers. His eyes bulged and he frowned. What did she want? He'd said he would follow her but...

"Scully?..." his words died in his throat as her hand dipped past the fabric of his pants and rubbed teasingly over his member through his boxers. Oh, Fuck. This already felt incredible! This whole thing was so much of a struggle and so confusing though. What was he meant to do?

"Mmm... you didn't day *where* you'd want me to kiss you" She said teasingly. She seductively dropped to her knees before him. She wasn't sure where the strength to ignore her fears had come from. She'd once read that courage wasn't the absence of fear merely the judgment that something else matter more. She understood that now. She wanted him so badly and the strange fear she had over having a sexual relationship with him disappeared. Maybe it was because this time it wasn't a surprise. It wasn't a spark of shock to know he was hard. She *knew* he was going to get hard this time. She knew the effect their kiss would have on him. Whatever the reason she was glad.

Christ, she wanted to taste him so damn badly! She'd never exactly relished doing this before. She always felt somewhat forced or obliged to suck off her partner. She continued stroking him lightly. She looked up at him. His eyes were at the back of his head. His mouth gaping open. He looked breathtaking. God, she loved him so much.

She pulled his hard shaft out of his boxers. Fuck, he was huge. She didn't remember him being that big. He was a solid eight inches and so thick. Jesus, she wanted it in her mouth. Wanted to feel him hit the back of her throat. She surprised herself at the thoughts she was having. But, God, she wanted to engulf him. Her hand circled around him, her fingers not even touching. 

She lowered her lips quickly and flicked her tongue over the velvety head of his dick, lapping up the small drop of sticky fluid there. His precum tasted incredible! Slightly salty and musky. With a tang of something she couldn't put her finger on that had to be Mulder's own taste. This was Mulder! Fuck! She had the love of her life's cock in her mouth. Mmm... that was so amazing! She had him *in* her mouth! She circled her tongue around the head and toyed with the little ridge on the underside. He felt incredible! He smelt so damn good too. Deep and earthy. She felt herself wanting more already.

He tried to push her away. How could she be ready for this all of a sudden when she'd freaked out before? She moaned in protest and sucked down as much of him as she could. The skin of his cock was pulled so tight he felt like a hot silken rod in her mouth. 

"Scully?.. mmm... Stop, honey" He said to her when he finally had the control to speak.

She jerked back violently. Her mind spinning. 'Stop' he'd said stop. Her fear and self hatred came slamming back. She started shaking. Her bottom lip trembled. He'd told her to stop. Like last time. He... he didn't want her. She was an idiot. How could she think he wanted her? He was lying! He was a liar! What did she expect. 

She got to her feet quickly and ran to the bathroom, locking the door. She was so disgusting! So dirty! What the hell was she playing at? She fucking hated herself! She crumpled to the floor by the toilet and sobbed. What had she done?! What was she playing at! She wanted to feel something. Anything better. 

She felt her mind slipping away again. She put her hands in her hair above her temple's and pulled her legs up. Her knees at her chin. She was such an evil twisted person. Her thoughts span round and round. She hated herself! She started pulling at her hair. She should be punished! She'd raped him! Mulder! Oh, God, Mulder. I'm so sorry! I'm so sick. She pulled out a clump of hair quickly. A sharp twist and a small amount of hair came away. Almost an involuntary action. She didn't even really pay attention to what she'd just done. Didn't want to think past the moment.

She should be punished. She was a fucking whore! So disgusting! She fucked him against his will and tried to suck him off. What the hell?! She was so stupid. So dirty. So pathetic and desperate for him. Whore! She twisted the auburn tresses through her fingers. A detached fascination flowing through her. Her eyes cleared of tears. She played with it in both hands. The pain of pulling it out had hardly registered. She deserved it anyway. What had she done to him? 

Her mind flashed back to that night. She'd pinned him down and raped him. How could she have done that to the man she loved? She hadn't noticed that Mulder had been banging at the bathroom door since she'd shut it. 

He'd ran after her a moment too late to catch her. What had he done? He'd said he'd follow her lead but he'd stopped her. Her pouty ruby red lips had been wrapped around his cock and he'd stopped her. What an idiot! Now he was back to square one with her. Her shut up in the bathroom and him wishing desperately that he know how to make it better. He was worried that she was so quiet. So deathly quiet. He banged on the door again.

"Scully?" No answer. She didn't even really register that he was there. Her mind slipping away again. She didn't understand what was happening to her. She felt so numb and so afraid. She couldn't remember why she felt afraid. All she knew was the terrifying feeling. The self loathing coursing through her. 

"Scully?" Still no answer "Scully? Honey?" He was getting so afraid now. What was she doing? Why wouldn't she answer him? He felt a chill of fear surge through him. Had what he'd done been so bad? He kept banging on the door to be met only by complete silence. "SCULLY? Open the door!" He was getting frantic. What was she doing in there? Then his mind flashed through what happened properly. He'd said 'stop'. That's what he'd told her that night too. Oh, God. What had he done to her? Shit!

"SCULLY?! Answer me! SCULLY! I'm coming in. Move away from the door for me, honey" she'd probably slipped into her mind again. Oh, fuck, what had he done?! Things had been going so well. 

Scully still didn't register that he was even there, let along that he was talking to her. She just sat in the space between the toilet and the wall absentmindedly playing with the bit of hair. Her mind felt so fuzzy. What had happened to her hair again? Why was a bit of it in her hands? It looked shiny. She twisted it round and round through her fingers. Just staring at it. She knew her mind should be working better. But why would she want it to? It was so nice and floaty like this. So freeing. She couldn't understand why she should be more aware. 

Mulder broke the flimsy lock on the door when he kicked it. It burst inwards. The door wasn't damaged but the lock would never be usable again. 

She was sitting huddled up on the floor. She wasn't crying or doing anything overly concerning. She was just sitting there. Playing with something in her hands. 

"Scully?" She slowly looked at him. Her eyes wide but so worryingly clear. He rushed to her side.

"Are you ok?" He asked when he reached her. He saw what she had been playing with. It was some silken strands of her own hair. Where had she got them? A hairbrush?

"I'm fine" She answered in a small voice. Atleast she was talking, he thought! She just kept studying the hair in her hand. Why was it there again? Was she hurt? What did Mulder want? Why was he here? Why couldn't she think properly? Her head hurt.

She ran her tongue over the roof of her mouth. She could taste something. Something definitely masculine. Had something happened to her? Had she been raped? Why couldn't she think?! She furrowed her brow in confusion.

Mulder was so scared. Should he take her to hospital? He should have done that to start with. She had dropped out of reality again. What should he do? 

"What happened to your hair?" He asked touching her hands gently and stopped her mindless action of pulling it through her fingers.

"I don't... Did I get hurt? My head hurts" She told him in a whisper.

He understood where it had come from as soon as she said that. If her head hurt then she must have pulled it out. Self harm. She wouldn't do that, would she? Had he hurt her so much? He understood self harm. He'd studied a hell of a lot about it. Was that what she'd been trying to do with the wine? Scully wasn't like that. He couldn't understand it!

"I think you pulled it out yourself, honey" He told her calmly. 

Her hands started shaking as she let it drop. Shaking the hair away. Had she done that? She couldn't understand. She didn't hurt herself. Never. What was he talking about? But then it made sense with the odd feeling inside of her. Her head started shaking violently left and right. Her hands still shaking. Shock. It had to be some kind of shock. She didn't know anything.

"It's ok, honey. Calm down. It's ok" He told her and pulled her towards him. She went willingly. 

"You... you said stop." She told him. Her whole body trembling against his chest. She remembered what had happened now. She felt so sick. 

"I know but I didn't..." He sighed into her hair. What had he done? "I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to go slow, honey. I wanted to stop you feeling like... well, like this" He told her and held her close. Tightening his embrace. 

"You said 'Stop'" She told him again. Her voice firmer this time. 

"I know. I know I did but I didn't mean it. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry" He told her. He felt tears in his eyes again. How could he make her feel like this? 

"I... can I try again?" She asked him. Her voice childlike and tinged with shame and fear. She wanted to make him feel good. She wanted to taste him. She knew what she'd done. She couldn't think of how to make it better though. This would help. Wouldn't it? 

"Not right now, okay? I'd rather go a little slower. Make sure you're ready for this." He said after considering his words properly. He didn't want to keep seeing her like this but he also didn't want her to think he didn't want her. 

"Okay" She whispered into his chest. She didn't sound sure even to her own ears but what else was there to say? 

She still couldn't process everything properly. She felt almost lethargic. 

"Can I try again?" She asked him again. She didn't remember saying it before. Her voice was so small. So fragile. He held her tighter.

"Not right now, honey" He told her. Why was she repeating herself? What had he done to her? 

She wanted to do it. She wanted to make him happy. Why wouldn't he let her? Her past boyfriends had always wanted her to do it. She frowned deeply and pushed away from him.

She stood up quickly. Her face contorted in confusion. He stood with her.

"Scully, honey, I need to talk to you properly. Is that ok?" She nodded. What did he want? He was undoubtedly going to tell her he didn't want a relationship with her. It had to be that. That's why he didn't want a blow job.

"I think you should get some help, Scully" She stared at him with fearful eyes. "Just a little therapy. I have some contact's that could help you." She paled at the thought. What the fuck was he talking about? He didn't want her and now he wanted to ship her off to some shrink. What an asshole. So much for him being her best friend. She snapped back to reality. Her mind immediately honed in on what he was saying to her.

"What?! You think I need help?" She screamed at him. Oh God. He wasn't great at dealing with a pissed off irrational Scully. She had some damn temper. "Let me get this straight, I can't manage to give you decent head so you want to pass my issues off to a damn shrink!?" She was livid. Blotches of colour speckled her porcelain face. He practically got whiplash from her instant change in mood. 

"No! Scully, it's not... it wasn't the damn blow job!" He told her. His own temper making him shake. "You pulled your own fucking hair out. That's self harm. How can you act like you don't need help when you're hurting yourself!" She staggered at what he'd said. Self harm? No, she wouldn't. She'd never done that before. She remembered doing it though. But, it was only hair. She hadn't slashed her arms up or anything. It was only hair! She was fine. She really was! 

She found herself trying to defend her actions to herself. Did she need help? She didn't want help! She wanted Mulder. Only Mulder! 

"I don't want help" She told him in a firm voice and left the room.

She got into her bedroom and took off her clothing to spread more cream on herself. She'd almost forgotten the bruises. They didn't hurt as much already. Only smarting when they were touched too heavily. They were easy to ignore. She touched her hand absently to the very tiny patch of bald skin on her had. It was hardly anything. Maybe ten to twenty hairs. Still it was why she'd done it that she supposed she should talk about and try to get over. What was she meant to do though? 

Mulder knocked on her bedroom door sometime later. She had finished putting on the cream and had decided to get into her pyjamas. She didn't feel like doing anything at all today. She wondered if she could get Mulder to bring her tv through so she could stay in bed. All the endorphins and adrenaline of the past few days had totally left her and she felt naked and ashamed and tired. So damn tired. 

"Come on in" She called out. All the anger she had been directing towards him had left her. No wonder he wanted her to get help. She'd want the same if it was the other way round. She felt a new wave of guilt wash over her.

"Hey" He said. Not knowing how she was feeling after their argument. 

"Hey yourself" She sounded happy enough so he thought he might get away with bringing up therapy for her again.

"Listen, I didn't mean to imply that it was because of the blow job or anything like that. I want you to get help for *you*, Scully. It, uh, worries me when you do things like that. Hurt yourself. I mean, it's the first time, I think, but it can lead to much worse and it... it frightens me." He told her honestly.

She sat on the bed and pulled her feet up towards her. Balled up and small at the headboard to defend herself. 

"I don't want help" She said again.

"I know you don't but maybe you *need* it. You were ok with seeing Karen at the FBI to help you with the Pfaster case. I can get you someone who specialises in this area. It'll help, Scully" 

Scully sniffed a little. Her eyes filling with tears again. 

"I'm sorry about the blow job. I thought you were ready. I'll do better next time, I promise. Please don't send me to someone" She said to the bedspread. Tears leaking out steadily as she spoke. She kept wiping angrily at them. 

She didn't want this. She didn't want to leave him. If she was honest the thought of leaving her apartment without Mulder sent a strong surge of anxiety through her. Why was he asking her to leave him and get help. He could help. He *was* helping.

"It's not about the blow job, honey. Please, understand that." He took a seat at the foot of the bed. She nodded.

"I don't want to go anywhere" She told him.

"I could get someone to come here to talk to you. Just for an hour or so to start. You don't even need to get out of your pyjamas." He said with a small snicker acknowledging what she was wearing "I'll always be here for you, you know that but... I need you to do this." He told her. He needed her to know she hadn't done anything wrong. Not a thing. He suspected it was all coming down to her not being in control. Clearly that was a huge issue. 

"Okay" She said after alot of thought. If he needed her to do this then she would. She'd give him anything she could. She hoped he meant it when he said he'd always be there for her though. She wouldn't risk their relationship.

"I want you to stay in the bedroom while I talk to them though. Don't leave." She told him. She knew he wouldn't eavesdrop and she didn't want to run the risk of him not coming back. Perfect solution.

"Whatever you need" He told her with a smile and leaned over to kiss her. It was another small lingering closed mouth kiss. 

"I'm staying in bed today" She told him decisively. "Can you bring my tv through here? You can have the person come tomorrow." 

"Yeah, uh, sure. I'll go get it and then call some people" She just nodded and fell back onto the bed.

She wanted to do what would make him happy. What was it though? Seeing someone? What was the point? Sure it had helped her to see Karen during or after difficult case's but this hardly compared. Would he even still want her? She felt so dirty. Like such a slut. She knew she wasn't but she couldn't help but think it. 

Mulder brought the tv through without a word to her and plugged it in. She was so lost in the thoughts she hardly even payed attention to whatever stupid daytime tv show come on. 

Mulder left and she could hear his muffled voice talking on the phone. She knew he has contacts that wouldn't question things too much so she trusted him to pick a good therapist. She burrowed lower in the bed covers, trying not to cry. How had her life come to this?


	11. Chapter 11

She didn't speak for hours and he left her to it in her bedroom. Sensing she needed time alone. He'd left the tv on in there for her so he had nothing to do in her livingroom. His normal entertainment gone, he decided to read some of Scully's vast collection of books. Or atleast try to. In truth he just sat with his thoughts.

He'd called his friend who had directed him to a Dr. Barley. He'd called her and made arrangements for her to come over at twelve tomorrow afternoon. He told her very little about the situation. Wanting Scully to tell Dr Barley herself. He hoped to God meeting and talking to the woman would help Scully. How could she expect to get over this herself? He worried about her so much. Her odd breaks from reality didn't bode well. Was he right to try and embark upon some kind of relationship with her? He didn't want to damage her more. He just didn't know what to do to help her. What was for the best? Scully deserved none of this. Why did bad things always happen to the best people? 

His stomach rumbled and it was only then he realised that he'd skipped breakfast, one look at his watch told him he'd missed lunch too. It was already five. Where the hell had the day gone? 

It felt so bizarre to sit in Scully's apartment while she stayed in bed. He felt like some kind of sneak or a thief. He desperately wanted to know what she was doing in there but he had known to give her time alone. He admitted to himself he needed some time alone too. They each had a lot to process. 

He got up from her couch feeling his muscles protest a little at having been in the same position too long. He went to the kitchen to start dinner. Hopefully she wouldn't be angry at him for making it without asking her. He didn't think he was giving her a reason to be just by making them both dinner but he felt like he just couldn't do *anything* right. 

He made a simple macaroni and cheese. He put some crispy bacon in it at the last minute too. He didn't want something too intimidating for her to eat but he wanted to make sure she got enough into her small body. He'd noticed before in their years working together that Scully had an odd relationship with food. 

She loved food but she forced herself to eat salads and things that, in his mind, were more fit for rabbit consumption then human. When she was stressed out she was even worse. When her Father had passed away she'd easily dropped 10 pounds. She'd steadily put on weight before her abduction too. He wasn't sure what it was but she definitely had something with food. She just didn't seem to rank food highly on her to do list anymore but when it was done for her she relished it. Either that or stood fast and refused. He'd noticed her weight fluctuate massively in such a short time. It concerned him but he knew better than to question someone about their weight.

He knocked tentatively at her door. He'd found an old tray to put her food on and he'd grabbed her a water. 

"Come in, Mulder" She said in a steady voice. He walked in. He could tell she had been crying again. Her eyes looked puffy and tired. The usual bright blue seemed duller somehow. He didn't mention it. She was still laying on the bed in her pyjama's. She looked so damn cute and small in her big bed all cosied in.

"I made dinner" He told her with a smile. She muted the tv. It was clear she hadn't been watching it anyway. "It's mac and cheese with some crispy bacon" He sat the tray over her legs and bent to put a little kiss on her forehead. He was determined not to let her go back on what she'd said about having a relationship with him. He wanted to show her in as many ways as he could that whatever she could give him was enough.

"Thank you" She said as she leaned her forehead into his kiss. She stayed for a moment and pulled away breaking the contact. "It smells really good. I'm constantly amazed by you" She teased and dug in.

"Well... enjoy" He told her and went to leave the room. He wanted to eat through in the bedroom with her but he didn't want to push it especially after what had happened earlier. 

"Come and eat through here" She told him. She understood his need to have her tell him what she wanted when it came to staying with her. He was the same when they'd went to sleep the other night. He wanted to be with her but he treated her like she was breakable. Like he didn't want to do anything to upset her. Normally she would let him do what he thought was for the best so as to spare both their feelings and keep her walls up but after everything theyd been through she decided that if they both obviously needed the other close then she couldn't pull away.

"I'll just go grab mine" He told her with a huge smile. Glad that she was taking command of the situation. He wanted to stay with her constantly but he feared he was becoming too clingy already or that she'd have another episode if he touched her wrong. Being there with her saved him worrying about her though and her presence always calmed him. Even before all of this she had calmed him.

Mulder grabbed his bowl of mac and cheese and a soda from the fridge. He went back through to her and she pulled back the covers on 'his' side. She had unmutted the tv and Mulder snuggled into bed with her. He opened his soda and put it on the bedside table. He pulled the duvet up further to keep warm. He put his bowl in his hand and started to eat.

She was not used to eating in bed and normally she'd go crazy at the thought of crumbs but this... this was nice. It made her think of school days off sick and comforting cuddles from her mother to make her feel better. It made her feel warm and loved. She got the same feeling of knowing everything was going to be ok as she did back then. She let out a contented sigh. 

She'd had a lot of time to think while he'd been out of the room and she'd come to the conclusion that she did need help. She wasn't Wonder Woman and it was ok to need help. Ahab had told her that one of the most adult things you can do is ask for help when you need it. She didn't quite understand it back then but she did now. It took a lot of courage to admit you couldn't do it all alone. She wanted to be better. To be a good half of her budding relationship instead of a burden.

She had also let herself believe that he did have feelings for her. Maybe even love. She had spent a long time trying to wrap her head around that. He'd said he had wanted her since he'd first seen her. He'd basically said he had been dedicated to her since she came out of her coma. He hadn't been footloose and fancy free since then, he'd said, so he must love her. If not love then certainly something close to it. Where did that leave her though? 

She knew that it was a rare thing to love someone completely and have them love you back in the same way so she shied away from it. She couldn't think he loved her only to find out he didn't. Couldn't lull herself into that warmth only to be left freezing. She decided she wasn't going to try and question his feelings for her. It would do nothing but cause her heart ache. 

She kept going back and forth again with whether it was better to just have her heart broken or to live in the limbo of not knowing but this was better. It had to be. She was in a relationship with him so what more could she want? She was so damn lucky to be with him! He kissed her. It was more than she could have hoped for. It meant so much to her, maybe too much. She would tell him she loved him at some point, just not now. Hell, they hadn't even had sex yet. Well, not really. It wasn't as if they each needed to know how the other felt. She needed to calm down and let it take whatever course it needed. She wanted to tell him though. She felt like she was lying somehow by not admitting to it. She'd never told anyone she loved them before. It terrified her a little. To admit to love was yo give someone real power over you. Power to hurt or to sooth. 

Mulder and Scully sat in silence as they ate. He didn't want to bring up the therapist that was coming tomorrow but he knew he had to. She had to know the details but he definitely didn't relish the thought of upsetting her again. 

He finished off the last of his mac and cheese. It was pretty damn good if he said so himself. He always ate much faster than Scully did so she was only half way through hers. He wondered if he should bring it up now while she was still eating. That might be better as it would give her time to think. 

She probably thought she was clever and that he hadn't noticed that she'd stuffed salad in her mouth earlier to give her a chance to delay her response. He noticed though. He noticed everything she did and more often than not he thought he knew why she did it. Or, he atleast he thought he usually did. All bets were off since they'd had sex though. Screw it, he thought, he'd do it now and she could ignore it and delay it by cramming her mouth again if she wanted to.

 

"I called one of my old Oxford contacts and they've put me in touch with a woman called Dr Barley. She's a couples therapist now but she has a large background in helping sexually abused woman or victims of domestic abuse. She does home visit's and she'll be here at twelve tomorrow. Is that ok?" He said gently to her. He huddled into the covers even deeper. Using them like a shield, a way to somehow protect him if she wasn't happy with the conversation.

"Mhm. That's fine" She told him while chipmunking her food. She kept eating as if they hadn't even been talking and he watching the tv mindlessly until she finished like she did. 

"Here, I'll take your plate" He told her and picked the tray up from her lap. He was careful not to touch her. The whole idea of being in a relationship with her was so new and considering how hot and cold she kept running he didn't want to worry her or make her scared again by touching her lap. That might be a bit too close to a danger area for her.

To his complete surprise she leaned into him as he leaned over to get her tray and kissed him on the lips. It was close lipped and so beautifully sweet. She was obviously trying to make up for earlier and make sure he was still aware that she did want to be with him. His heart lightened at it. He gave her a smile when it ended and kissed her again before picking up her tray. She gave him a small smile and blushed a little. 

 

The next morning

 

They woke up in bed together, facing each other and they gazed at each others eyes. There was something so intimate about sleeping together in her bed but not having sex, he thought. Her gaze was loving and she gave him a small smile. Her peacock blue eyes still heavy and sleepy. She was so adorable! He leaned over and gave her a good morning kiss. It was out of sheer need and he wondered if he was taking it too far but then he felt her lips kiss him back. He went to deepen it out but she pulled away muttering something about getting ready. 

They had stayed in bed all night after he'd come back from the kitchen. He'd done the dishes and cleared up a little. They had sat side by side watching some random tv show. He couldn't even really remember what it was now. A cooking show he thinks. They hadn't spoken of anything more serious than the tv show. Him trying to make some sort of witty comments and her laughing a bit at them. He could tell that at the beginning she had been nervous and on edge but when she noticed he wasn't going to grill her about anything she had relaxed. It was actually quite a nice Sunday night for him. It definitely beat moping about waiting for the morning to come so he could see Scully. 

Scully came out of the bathroom in a billow of steam. Her red hair still wet and a towel wrapped around her dainty frame. He'd seen her naked a good few times these last few days but it still took his breath away to see her in just a towel. 

"It's all yours" She told him with a smile when she got to the bedroom door. He took it as a hint that she wanted him out of her bedroom so she could get dressed. He could almost feel the nerves rolling off if her. She was so terrified about seeing the therapist.

Scully watched Mulder skulking off to the bathroom and let out a shaky breath. It had just turned 10am. Two hours until her appointment. She felt each second pound in her breast. She wasn't sure what to say to this woman. Karen was easy to talk to but then again it had never really been about something personal. Just the usual case work problems that Karen had probably heard a million times before. She went about starting to get ready, making sure to put cream on her fading bruises. She was tempted to hide behind a suit but opted for jeans. 

Mulder switched on the shower and stripped naked. He stepped in and cursed himself and his body. His dick was begging to be touched already, so predicable. It was like a morning shower was a trigger to him. He'd ignored it when Mrs Scully had been in yesterday but a shower in the morning always meant a wank to him. He always done it before work, always. How would he face Scully if he didn't? His body was geared up for it already. He couldn't do that in Scully's home though, could he? She'd never know. Christ. He wanted to touch himself so badly. He'd always been a bit addicted to masturbation if he were honest. He had a high sex drive and with no partner he'd become pretty into the solo act. 

He felt like such a pervert! Then again atleast it would limit the chances of him getting hard for the rest of the day if he just... No. Even having the thought was wrong. Scully was in serious need of help. She was waiting for him. What was he even thinking?

He felt the shower spray warm over his body. His cock bobbing expectantly in front of him. Should he? Fuck. He felt a ball of shameful guilt twisting in his stomach. This was Scully's shower for fuck's sake. He couldn't. He shouldn't. His hand dipped down almost of its own accord. She would never know he reminded himself. But what if she did? What if she needed help and came in? Oh God. This was so fucked up. He was so embarrassed. He rubbed his length a few times. Maybe if he had just a little it would calm him down. What a great time to be horny as hell he thought sarcastically. 

The scent of Scully was definitely not helping. She was everywhere in here. Her scented body wash permeating the air. His mind flashed to her naked body standing right where his currently was all but ten minutes ago. Rubbing body wash over herself. Over her breasts. Jesus. His hips surged into his waiting hand. Maybe he should just do it. Just have a quick wank. It would be fine, wouldn't it? He'd be quick.

Oh, his hand felt so good! He brushed the head of his dick, imagining the feel of this thumb was her little tongue. He wanted to cry at how disgusted he felt with himself. This was so wrong. But, Christ, it felt good. He twisted his fisted hand and pumped it up and down slowly. He flashed to the image of Scully on her knees sucking his cock. Mmm... God. He pushed aside the feeling of guilt. He pumped his hand up and down himself. Fuck! Oh. That felt amazing. He saw her in his minds eye. On her knees, her cheeks hollowing as she sucked harder at him. Her eyes looking up at him through heavy lids. Her pupils blown huge with lust. He fucked his clenched hand faster and faster. Her blue eyes crystal clear in his minds eye. He moved even faster. Pumping his aching shaft. God, she was so beautiful! He tried resolutely not to picture the sex, rape, whatever. Only her mouth. That was more than enough. His fist flew over and over his cock. His hips bucking in ecstacy. Oh, fuck, Scully. His hand moved in a blur. He was frantic. His balls pulled up tightly. "Ugh, Scully" He exploded as he called her name. Thick white ropes of cum splattering over her tiles. He felt guilty straight away. It seeped quickly into him even through his post orgasm haze. What had he just done? He couldn't even control himself for more than three days. Pathetic.

"You okay in there, Mulder?" He heard Scully shout through the door a second after he came. Oh, God. She'd heard him. He knew he hadn't been exactly quiet. Shit. He hoped to God she didn't know what he'd been doing. His face flooded in humiliation and regret. He didn't want her to feel pressured or anything like that and she wasn't ready for something sexual. He knew that even if she forgot it.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine" He shouted out as he hastily wiped his cum off the wall. Jesus, this was embarrassing.

"Are you sure? You shouted my name." A muffled voice called back.

"Yeah... I was, uh. I was just..." Shit. Think of something. Anything! Lie! Ugh, this was bad. "I'm fine, Scully, honestly" Stupid.

"Oh, uh, I just... Uhh... Sorry I, um, interrupted" Oh great. She totally knew what he'd just been doing. He felt even more ashamed now than he had two minutes ago. He heard her footstep moving away. Shit, he was completely mortified. 

Mulder washed quickly and made sure there was no trace of his activities. 

He saw Scully sitting balled up on the couch. He flushed in embarrassment. What was he meant to say to her? Fuck, this was awkward! Damn it. He went through to the kitchen, not really wanting to face her. He wanted a drink anyway he reasoned.

"You want anything, Scully?" He shouted out to her.

"No, thank you, Mulder" Her voice came from the kitchen door. She must have followed him. He startled.

"I, uh, didn't know you were there" He stuttered out and got a drink from the fridge. He wished he had bought sunflower seeds when he was out. He'd kill for something to fiddle with and take his mind off everything.

"Clearly" She said back in amusement, one eyebrow arched at him. She opened her mouth again as though to say something else. She snapped it shut and turned to leave. 

Scully knew exactly what he'd been doing in her shower. She wasn't *that* naive. The thought of him touching himself and thinking of her made her so aroused she could hardly think straight. She had calmed herself down as she'd sat on the couch waiting for him to come out. 

She wasn't sure how to feel about her arousal anymore. It made her feel mildly ashamed. It made her feel like a complete slut. She knew it had to be because of what she'd done to him. Objectifying him wasn't something she wanted to ever do. She felt like that's what she was doing though. They were in a relationship now and she knew she should talk out these kinds of things with her lover but this was different. 

She sat back on the couch after leaving him. The therapist would be here soon. Time always moved so strangely, she thought. When you wished for more of it then it trickled away quickly like water in your cupped hands. No matter how you tried to grasp at it and wish for more it slipped away. Every second, every moment rushed by and once it was gone, no matter how you tried, you just couldnt grab it again. You were only left with memories reflected in the lost water. The opposite was true too, she supposed. She'd spent many meetings wishing time could wizz by yet it stood still, mocking her desire.

She dreaded seeing Dr Barley. She wanted time to stop or atleast to slow, prolonging the inevitable. She knew it was something she had to do if she wanted any semblance of a normal relationship with Mulder but she still hated the thought. She could barely remind *herself* of what had happened never mind telling a stranger. She had to be strong though, she knew she did. She'd do what was best for them both regardless of how uncomfortable it made her.

Mulder came back through with some sandwiches on a tray.

"I know you said you didn't want anything but I... I just thought you could try some" He looked pleadingly at her. He wanted to nip the nonsense of her avoiding food in the bud before it started. She hadn't had breakfast while he'd showered he'd noticed. She had to have *something*.

"I'll maybe have some later, thanks" She said. She didn't want to admit to how nervous she was. Her stomach twisted and writhed like it was home to a serpent. She really didn't want to eat and throw it back up again while the woman was here.

He noted the way she clutched a bit at her stomach. It was just nerves that had her not eating right now. He felt his worry calm a little. She'd just eat after. He wasn't sure what to do now though. He wanted to hold her and try to calm her but he wasn't sure if she would accept that. He started to eat sandwiches instead. 

Scully kept taking slow measured breaths. She hadn't been this nervous since she'd been in a play in high school. She'd joined the drama club because Marcus, a guy she had really liked, was in it. They'd had to put on a play in front of the whole school. Never one to back down she'd done it. She'd then thrown up her nerves right after. Safe to say it was the last time she ever delved into acting. Marcus had asked her to prom though so it wasn't a total loss, she think. It was worth it, just like this would be. Sickening nerves and than something good comes out of it.

She clutched tightly at herself now. The symbolism of the action wasn't lost of either of them. She was basically hugging herself seeking comfort. 

"I'm nervous, Mulder" She told him quietly, breaking the silence.

"I know, honey. Try to stay calm, okay. I'm right here" He told her sitting back further. She leaned slowly over to him and hugged into his chest. He pulled her tighter. 

"I'm just worried" She made a sort of laughing sound. Like she was laughing at her own cowardice. He stroked her back soothingly and kissed the top of her head. His heart broke as he felt her shaking a little. She really was scared. He felt so ridiculously proud of her for doing this.

"I'm so proud of you for doing this, Scully. I'll be right here, just remember that." He whispered into her hair. Just then a knock came at the door


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for every comment, kudo and subscription :-D They each mean alot to me. I hope you like this chapter.
> 
> Just as a wee disclaimer, I'm not a therapist so I apologise if any of the things said in this chapter are wrong or offensive in any way to any of you.

She practically jumped out of his embrace. Oh, God. She was here. Scully felt her heart pound with nerves and fear. She watched without really paying attention as Mulder walked over and opened the door for Dr Barley.

A beautiful older woman walked in and shook hands with Mulder. Her smile lighting up the room. Scully swallowed and stood up. Her hearing seemed a bit off or was she just phasing out? The woman had spoken to Mulder but she didn't know what they'd said.

"Ahh, and you must be Dana" She said with a smile. She heard her perfectly now. She must have just had a slip in focus. Scully noted that she didn't hold out her hand to shake Scully's. She wasn't sure why that seemed to bother her. She unconsciously sized the woman up. She was about fifty, blonde, or was that grey?, slightly overweight, beautiful and seemed very friendly. Scully felt herself calm a little. 

"Uh, yeah. Hi" She said and wiped her sweating hands over the thighs of her jeans. 

"Well, I guess I'll leave you both to it then" Mulder said to them although Scully could tell that underneath his words he was checking it was ok to leave her. Scully nodded. He walked past her and gave her a quick kiss. She didn't want him to go. He went through to the bedroom and a moment later she heard the tv. 

"Do you mind if we sit, Dana?" Dr Barley asked her.

"Uh, yeah, sure" Scully said sitting down where Mulder had been. It comforted her to know that she was in some very small way near him.

Dr Barley sat down on the seat opposite her. Making sure to keep her distance.

"I know this can be an awkward situation, Dana. Why don't you start by telling me what your goal is in these sessions" She said getting out a notebook and pen. 

"My goal?" She has no idea what she was on about. What goal was she meant to have. Why wasn't this woman asking her the terrifying personal things she thought she would.

"Yes, your goal. You must have something that you want to get out of these sessions. It can be absolutely anything you'd like. For example, to be confident enough to go to a restaurant alone, to make love without feeling embarrassed, to admit your love for someone, to walk around naked in your home or it can be simply to be happier in yourself." She told her. Her voice made Scully think of summer for some reason. Soft and warm and it made her feel much more comfortable than she thought she would feel. 

"Uh... I, I like the second one, I think, or, um, maybe the third" Scully said.

"In your own words, Dana" She told her patiently. 

Scully took in a large breath. Willing herself to stay calm. She wanted to do this. This was for her relationship. This was going to help.

"Yeah, sorry..." She started

"I don't allow that word in my sessions, Dana. One of my only rules" She winked "It is my experience that the people I'm fortunate enough to help have very little reason to actually use it" She interrupted her. She nodded to signal she could carry on. Scully very nearly said she was sorry again for breaking a rule the woman had. She sighed.

"I want to be able to make love" She rushed out. That felt physically painful. She felt heat raise in her cheeks. God, that was embarrassing! Dr Barley scribbled in her notepad quickly. 

"That's a perfect goal. Do you have a specific person in mind? Mr Mulder perhaps?" Her kind brown eyes found Scully's as she spoke. Scully just nodded her head. Dr Barley raised her eyebrow's. Silently asking Scully to voice her thoughts.

"Yeah. Yes. Mulder. I... I want to, um, that's my goal" God it felt like pulling her own teeth out. She knew this wasn't going to be easy no matter how comfortable the woman made her feel. That comfort was fading fast anyway. 

"Let me hear the whole thing now, Dana" She requested. Scully knew what she wanted to hear. Her eyes moved to the bedroom door where she knew Mulder was. He was probably laying on her bed. Maybe he was under her covers. She could still hear the tv. The knowledge that he was so close, ready to rush through at any shout of discomfort from her, made her feel safe. She drew on it.

"I'd like to be able to make love with Mulder" She told Dr Barley.

"Excellent. Well, I feel that we have a very good place to start." She said still noting things in her notepad. Scully wasn't sure how she had so much to write about when she'd hardly spoken.

"Why didn't you shake hands with me?" Scully blurted out. She didn't even know why she'd given voice to that thought. Dr Barley looked pointedly at her. "You, um, you shook hands with Mulder but you, you didn't with me" She explained. She wasn't sure why it even mattered. 

"You most definitely earned you're place at the FBI" She smiled kindly and sniggered a little "I will admit I chose not to shake hands with you. As to why, I'd have thought that was obvious, Dana. I have spent my life trying to help those who have been sexually abused or have been victim's of domestic abuse. A great deal of them avoided physical contact with anyone after their own traumatic events, for which you can hardly blame them. Mr Mulder told me nothing about why you needed a session, and so soon, thus I chose not to make assumptions and unless *you* chose to engage in physical contact I would not. We all know what an assumption does, Dana." She finished with a smile. Scully felt a little embarrassed at asking. Dr Barley's response made perfect sense and she chided herself a little at not thinking of it.

"I see." She said. She had been about to apologise for her question but quickly remembered Dr Barley's rule about it. "That makes sense"

"Do you want to tell me why I am here, Dana?" She asked her in a kind voice. 

Scully knew that Dr Barley would have to ask her eventually. It still made her feel a little sick even though she'd known it was coming. She didn't want to talk about that. Could she just not talk about it? Not yet. She would talk about anything but the rape. She felt the pit in her stomach grow even heavier. She felt her eyes prick with tears and she rubbed nervously at her thighs again.

"Relax, Dana. We don't have to cover that in this session" Dr Barley told her in a soothing voice. She could clearly see the shift in Scully so she backed off.

"'Kay, sorry" She said

"Remember my rule? No saying you're sorry. I find that apologising when one has no need to does nothing but hurt. It won't make me feel any better for you to say your sorry when it's not nessasary and I'll imagine it doesn't feel very nice for you to do it. Does it?" She chastised gently.

"Uh. No. No, I guess it doesn't." She said, feeling her tears dissapear. She found that she really did quite like this woman.

"How does it make you feel to apologise, Dana? Why do you think you feel the need to?" She asked. Scully bit her lip. She'd never thought about that before. 

"Uh... I'm, I'm not actually sure. I was always the, uh, the most promising child, I guess you'd say, and everytime I did something that I felt my parents would be ashamed of I apologised. It didn't make me feel better. It still doesn't but I always thought they needed me to say it. To think I felt some sort of shame."

"What sort if things did you think you needed to feel shame for?" Dr Barley asked.

"I... I was always good. I got A+'s and I was never in trouble. Anytime I got less than that I got... I don't know, anxious. I was so different then my siblings but I wanted to keep it that way. I liked the approval and I feared that if I did something wrong and didn't act sufficiently apologetic to my parents, to my father, then I'd lose that distinction from my siblings. It would make me feel ashamed" She told her. She'd never actually thought about it that deeply before. It was true though. The thought of disappointing Ahab had terrified her and had made her feel so ashamed. She'd obviously carried that to adult life. 

"And do you think, now that you're older, that your parents, more specifically, your father, would have been upset with you if you hadn't gotten that A or if you had done something they may have viewed as wrong?" She asked and wrote in her notepad again.

"No. He wouldn't have been." Scully answered without a beat. 

"How is your relationship with your father now?" She asked. 

"He passed away. He had a, a massive coronary." She told her in a whisper. Thinking of it still hurt. This wasn't what this was supposed to be about. She hadn't prepared her mind for this.

"I'm sorry" She said sincerely. "That must have been very hard for you. May I ask when it happened?" 

"You broke your rule" Scully told her "you said sorry" Dr Barley chuckled

"You'll find that all rules are meant to be broken" She joked "Saying sorry when it's a true apologetic emotion is acceptable" She grinned. She had such perfect straight teeth. Scully smiled a little too.

"You don't want to talk about your father?" She asked. Scully knew she'd noticed that she had avoided the question about when he'd passed away.

"No." Scully said. "I mean, I don't mind but I... that not why I..."

"Why you're in need of my help?" Dr Barley finished off and Scully nodded. 

"What would you like to cover in the session, Dana? I normally spend the first one simply getting to know my client and establishing trust but I have a feeling you don't hand out trust very easily and I'd be extraordinarily fortunate to gain it in just one day." 

"I uhm, I guess I don't really know." Scully thought about it for a moment. This was going better than she thought it would but then she hadn't really shared anything overly personal. "I keep having these sort of breaks. I, I act like a child" She flushed bright red "I don't know why and it scares me and it scares Mulder. I want to know why" 

"That is definitely not uncommon. In fact I've heard of it many times before. After these dissociative episode are you aware of what has happened and of any actions you've taken during them?"

"Yes. I remember everything. But... I don't know... it's like, like when I get in them I can't understand why or what's happening and I'm not... I don't feel in control. I get in them and it's a total loss of control" Dr Barley wrote again.

"It can be very frightening to have these types of episodes but rest assured they will pass. You haven't told me what has happened but with all traumatic event's once you deal with them your mind no longer seeks that kind of respite."

"Is that what it is? Some kind of respite?"

"In essence, yes. There are many studies into why some survivors often act child like and the prevailing theory is that it is when they were at their most safe. We all have very little fears as children and very few of us know the feeling of true terror at that point in our lives. It is a safe state for one's mind to go to. It can also be categorised as extreme dependence. It is more likely to happen around someone one feels very close to, a spouse or a parent. This is because our mind feels safe with this person or person's and is thus able to somewhat shut down in an effort to escape and process something deeply traumatic." 

"Can I stop it?" Scully asked.

"I'm afraid not, Dana. Your mind will stop doing it when it is more capable or handling whatever you've been through." Dr Barley explained to her. Scully nodded in a sad sort of way.

"You mentioned the loss of control. Is that something you like to have. Control?" Oh, God, Scully thought. That was a loaded question. She just nodded her head. Her control issues were deep and even she could hardly understand them.

"Do you ever feel as though things are completely outwith your control? Excluding your episode's, of course." Scully swallowed and nodded again. What was the point in going into this? She knew she had control issues. It wasn't really part of the bigger picture.

"Alright, I think we'll try a little exercise." She said and pulled out some A4 bits of paper. She lay them on the coffee table. She slid two bits over to Scully. She frowned a little in confusions. An exercise? What the hell? 

"Now, on one sheet I want you to write down everything you feel you have control over and on the other I'd like you to write everything you feel you can't control" She told Scully. She passed her a pen over the coffee table and Scully took it noting that Dr Barley did not touch her as she passed it to her.

Scully hovered over the paper with her pen. She wasn't sure where to even start. So many things seemed out of her control at the moment.

"These are just for you, Dana, I won't look at them." She told her. She obviously thought her hesitation was due to a fear that they wouldn't be private. 

"No, I'm just thinking" She quickly reassured her. 

Scully thought for another moment and then began writing quickly. Moments and memories rushed out, her thoughts given form, her writing was sloppy and would probably be unreadable to anyone but her. She wrote of how she felt being drugged was out of her control and the rape and her brother Bill'd attitude towards her career choice and her feelings for Mulder. Before she knew it she'd filled the page. The sheet for things she *could* control was much more difficult and she found that she only filled half of it. She hated to leave it like that since she was such a perfectionist but barring filling it with nonsense there was little she could do. 

"Okay, I'm finished" Scully told her after a long while. She hadn't noticed Dr Barley had been writing on some paper herself. Dr Barley looked at her and smiled. 

"Now rip them." She told her. Scully looked shocked. She'd worked on them. She didn't want to rip them. It went against every fiber of her being to destroy something she'd made. 

"You heard me. Rip them up. You can be as angry as you want with them. Make them so small that they're as small as snowflakes. Snowflakes that will merely melt away and cause you no more trouble." She was looking expectantly at Scully. 

Scully hesitantly ripped the first sheet. The one with the list of the things she couldn't control. The jagged tearing sounded loud to her. It was oddly freeing although she wasn't sure why. Emboldened by the first tear she ripped it again and again and again. She found herself smiling, enjoying it. She started on the other sheet. She wished there were more words to rip apart. It felt like a strange kind of cleansing. Dr Barley smiled at her as she did as she was asked to. She made the pieces so small they were unrecognisable.

"Well done." She told Scully "Now... here are the only two things you *really* have no control over" She handed her another piece of paper. It have four words on it; The Past, Other People. "And the things you *do* have control over" She passed her the other bit of paper. It had on it, in her elegant writing, Your Future, Your Actions. 

Scully felt moisture on her cheeks and was shocked by it. She was crying in front of this stranger. It was bad enough she'd done it in front of Mulder so much but to cry in front of a complete stranger was unheard of for her. Dr Barley merely smiled at her. Scully felt like she'd made some kind of huge break through. It was stupid of her to blame herself for something that had been out of her control. Dr Barley was right, her future was in her control and she wanted that future to be with Mulder and to be brighter than her life was now. She had to take control of the things she could and stop allowing her mind to make her feel like a whore. It wasn't her fault and she couldn't change it now anyway. It was in the past. She couldn't understand why something so obvious and logical had only occurred to her when a stranger had shown her. She folded the bits of paper neatly and put them in her pocket.

"Thank you" Scully told her after her tears had stopped. Dr Barley pulled a tissue from a packet in her bag and handed it to Scully. She took it gratefully and wiped at her cheeks. She blew her nose too and winced a little at the harsh sound.

"You have no need to thank me, Dana. These things are obvious but I find that in all the hustle and bustle of our lives we lose touch with such simple knowledge. You already knew that yourself. I'm just helping you remember" She smiled at Scully and kept eye contact. "Do you understand that your need to control situations is harmful to yourself. Such things are, I'm afraid, out of your capabilities and when you set yourself up with the knowledge that you *can* control them you are only setting yourself up for a fall. This only serves to make you frustrated and angry at yourself in the end." Scully nodded her head. She felt somewhat foolish that she clearly needed to be told these things. While she did know them, Dr Barley was right, she needed such things to be reinforced in her mind. 

"So, I shouldn't feel badly if I can't control things sometimes?" Dr Barley nodded "What if a situation occurs that's out of your control but you blame yourself for it and it starts to affect the way you function? What can you do to help yourself?" Scully asked

"Are you aware that you are speaking of yourself in the second person?" 

"No... I, I didn't realise. Sor..." She cut off her apology "I think I do that alot when I'm trying to distance myself from something" She gave a little self concious shrug and half of a smile.

"Why don't you ask me the question again." 

"'Kay... umm, what should I do when I find myself blaming myself for something I had no control over?" Scully asked. She kept her eyes trained on the floor. She felt suddenly naked.

"There are a great many things that you can do to help yourself but I'm afraid that finding the right technique will be down to you. For example you can write down all the ways you could not have stopped the situation, you can pause and do something entirely different when you find your mind slipping into that vicious spiral of doubt and blame, you can choose to talk about it with someone you trust. My personal favourite is writing a letter to the person who put you in such a situation, pour all your feelings out. Your anger at this individual, your fear, everything. Then you burn it. As the smoke from your letter fades into the air you do the same with your feelings. You let them go, Dana" Scully felt her eyes prick again. She nodded and reached out to the coffee table for one of the sandwiches Mulder had made. She didn't really feel much like eating but it would give her something to do and she was growing increasingly fidgety and uncomfortable the closer they got to her main problem. 

"Do you think that will help you?" She asked Scully.

"Yeah, I, uh, I think it will" Scully told her and took a bite of the sandwich.

"Am I right to assume it is a sexual related problem you feel you have? I have to ask to better understand how I can help you. As I said we don't have to delve deeply into it today but a brief understanding would help me a lot." Dr Barley knew that it obviously was sexual since Scully's goal had been to make love. She had also been in the business for years and could notice the signs. She wanted to hear it from Scully though. It helped a client to take a more active role in their recovery if they could openly discuss their issues. Scully ate more of her sandwich and took several calming breaths.

"Uh, yeah. It's um, sexual. My... my partner and I... after I..." She started to cry "I think I thought we'd be ok, I don't know why I thought that, I was stupid I guess. We kissed and I thought that we might... uhm, you know, but then I, I felt his... I just freaked out, I pulled out my own hair and, and now he doesn't want to even try incase I... I have some sort of episode again" Dr Barley said nothing until Scully's heaving sobs had calmed to breathy whimpers. Scully had tossed the sandwich to the table as she'd cried.

"What did you think you both might do, Dana?" She asked. Prodding a little at Scully's mind and hoping she'd open up even more. Scully sobbed once more.

"I thought maybe we'd, I don't know, make love or atleast get, uh, more intimate" Scully said while wiping her eyes. Dr Barley nodded in understanding.

"And what exactly made you 'freak out'?" She asked. Scully sighed

"I felt his... um" God, she couldn't say it. Why couldn't she say it? She felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. 

"You can say it. I think we've both seen an aroused man at this point in our lives and I certainly won't be offended" She told Scully. Scully wondered if her reluctance to say something like this in front of her was due to the things she'd been taught by the church. By all rights she had committed a sin by even having sex before marriage. 

"His... he had an erection" She blushed again. She wanted to run and hide from Dr Barley. Why was the so damn hard to talk about? She definitely did feel confortable anymore. She picked up her sandwich and finished it quickly, giving her something to do. Her stomach rebelled a little but calmed down.

"And you are uncomfortable with that?"

"No." Scully said but then realised it didn't make any sense "I mean, I didn't think I would be. When I usually think about it I don't feel uncomfortable" Scully realised what she had potentially said when she'd admitted she 'usually' thought about his dick and blushed deeper than she had before. She averted her eye's from Dr Barley to try and hide her shame. 

"When do you feel comfortable thinking about it?" She asked but Scully didn't answer, she started to fidget with her hands since she'd finished her sandwich. So much for thinking this was going well. This had definitely morphed into something *extremely* uncomfortable. "While you mastrubate?" Dr Barley supplied. Scully's eyes widened. You're not meant to talk about that, she almost said. She was so used to hiding everything sexual from everyone including herself that even hearing the word 'mastrubate' shocked her. The church definitely hadnt taught her to do *that*. She felt a large amount of shame when it came to pleasuring herself and as a result she hardly ever did it. 

"It's alright to talk about it, Dana. Almost everyone enjoys pleasuring themselves at some point" Scully screwed up her courage.

"Yes" She admitted "I think about it when I..." She trailed off. Her face flaming.

"When you what?" Dr Barley pushed.

"When I... mastrubate" She whispered. Scully was pretty sure she had never actually said that word in relation to herself before. 

"Why do you feel that admitting to something so natural causes you embarrassment?" She asked. Scully cleared her throat. 

"I was raised Catholic and the leaders at the church I attended always seemed to attach shame to sexual desires. Especially the sexual desires of a woman. Atleast that's how it felt. It's a sin to even have premarital sex and masturbation was *always* somewhat frowned apon." She said quietly. "You just don't talk about it. It's... wrong"

"Do you believe that consenting adults should not physically express their love?" Scully thought long and hard for a moment.

"No, I don't" She admitted. She'd never really realised before that it wasn't something she disagreed with the church about. She did struggle with her faith but the rules were the rules. Sins were sins. She had always believed that or so she thought. 

"Then by extension of that logic you can't believe that masturbation is wrong either, Dana. To love oneself that much that you're essentially making love to your own body and to view another person highly enough that you fantasise about them during such a loving time is a beautiful thing. I doubt highly that Mr Mulder would think badly of you for doing such."

"Yeah, um, I guess so." Scully said after a moment. What her therapist was saying made perfect sense but years and years of attending Catholic church made her mind want to rebel against the logic

"We're almost out of time for today, I'm afraid. I think we've made a very good start. You should be very proud of yourself. I'll leave you with a bit of homework. I try to give my clients a project to accomplish in their own time." Scully looked questioningly at her. What could her peoject be. The thought terrified her. She wasn't sure where the time had went either. Dr Barley had been there for very nearly an hour. "I'd like you to mastrubate, Dana. Do it however you choose but make sure you do it completely alone" Jesus, what the hell kind of homework was that? 

"Mastrubate?" Scully squeaked out. 

"Yes. As we've already discussed it is perfectly natural and if your goal is of a sexual nature which it is then I'd like you to become comfortable with yourself first before we consider you introducing a partner. What we are essentially trying to do here is to start from the beginning. I'll assume your first sexual experience was with yourself, most people's are, and I want you to get back to that carefree pleasure. Love yourself before we think of getting another to physically love you. Have you pleasured yourself since whatever event made you seek out help?" Scully shook her head.

"Then it's definitely a place to start. Seem okay?" She asked and Scully just nodded. When was she going to be able to do that and how would she manage to without feeling ashamed or thinking of what she'd done. This would be hard.

"I'm assuming you'd like another appointment?" Scully simply nodded again. She finally found the energy to make her lips move. 

"I'll go get Mulder and you can set it up." She said. She didn't want to be ivolved in the booking for some reason. 

Scully walked to the bedroom and knocked. She didn't want to just walk in.

"Mulder?" She called "Can you come out for a sec?" She asked. She made sure to keep her voice calm and almost nonchalant. She didn't want to worry him that something had went wrong. 

He came to the door quickly, looking adorably mussed up from laying in bed. 

"Everything okay?" He asked her with a concerned glance at her. 

"Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. I just want you to book another appointment" She smiled at him. "I'll see you next time Dr Barley. Thank you for today" She called over her shoulder. She didn't want to go back to see her. She felt a little badly about that but she felt emotionally exhausted. She just wanted to lay in bed. 

Mulder nodded and let her by him in the doorway. Scully closed the bedroom door after Mulder walked over to Dr Barley. She stripped from her clothes, rubbed more cream on and put on leggings and a loose t-shirt. She lay down in bed starring through the tv Mulder had left on. She had a lot to sort through


	13. Chapter 13

Mulder knocked at the bedroom door after Dr Barley left. He wasn't really sure how to handle the situation. What would Scully be like after her session? Would she break down? Would she be mad? God, it was a situation he never thought he'd be in.

"Come on in" She shouted to Mulder. She felt amazing. Her exhaustion had calmed down and she felt invigorated after seeing Dr Barley. She'd always felt that way after she had seen Karen and she was glad it was the same with Dr Barley. Like a huge load had been taken off her shoulders. She was terrified of the 'homework' she was meant to do though. 

"Hey, how're you feeling?" Mulder asked. He hovered in the doorway, not wanting to encroach on her personal space if she was feeling in anyway vulnerable. He had no idea what they'd spoken about and he knew he'd have to be ready for anything. 

"I feel good actually" She said with a smile. Mulder let out a relieved breath. He still knew he couldn't totally relax. Scully's emotions were very fragile and very changeable. "I like her. I think she's helped already" She said beaming at him from the bed. She turned down the covers on his side and motioned him to join her instead of lingering in the doorway. 

Mulder went willingly to the bed to sit with her. He was so happy she seemed fine after her therapy session. He knew they could be very intense and often left you feeling overwhelmed. He prayed her good mood wasn't just a phase. He let himself relax a little more.

"I asked her to come back tomorrow but she said I had to check with you and call her. She's on holiday this week but she's staying at home. She only took a holiday as her client list has quieted and she had time to take. She told me to make sure you knew she doesn't count being on holiday as being unavailable and she said you've *not* to feel badly for needing her. I, uh, I'm rambling... sorry" Mulder chuckled. 

Scully sat looking shocked. Tomorrow?! She was going to see her tomorrow? Jesus! Should she do her 'homework' tonight? Fuck. She felt heat rise in her face at the mere thought. She was doing this for them. For her and Mulder. She had to move passed her embarrassment about sex, in any form. She hadn't known this was an issue before but talking to Dr Barley had made her think about it properly.

There had actually been many times when she'd felt, for lack of a better word, horny but hadn't done anything about it. She felt like it was somehow a lack of self control to give into desire like that. She was too busy anyway she told herself. She always had more meaningful things to do with her time than pleasure herself. But why did she chastise herself so much whenever she had such a simple desire? She needed to get over it. How *could* she expect someone else to love her physically if she couldn't even do it herself? 

She didn't know how to feel. She wanted to do it. She really did. One thought of Mulder and moisture pooled at her core so she knew her body wanted it. It just felt forbidden for some reason. The church had obviously had a very lasting influence on her. She knew logically that there was nothing wrong with mastrubating so why did it give her such a shameful feeling? She'd have to think about that. 

She had to push passed this. It was just one small step but it would be in the right direction. 

"You still with me, Scully?" Mulder asked breaking through her thoughts. She hadn't noticed she'd been lost in them. 

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, sorry" a jolt flooded through her when she said sorry. She really *did* do that too much and she really didn't need to. "I can see her tomorrow" She continued in a tone that suggested she wasn't really invested in the conversation. Mulder frowned a little. He hoped she wasn't getting lost in bad thoughts, that the high from her session wasn't leaving.

"Okay, I'll go give her a call just now" He said as he disentangled from her and left the room. Scully tried to quickly sort out her thoughts whilst he was in the other room. She could do this. Why was she over thinking it? Jesus, nearly everyone did it. Why was it a huge thing to her. She would do it.

She did own a vibrator, although she hadn't actually used it, maybe she should use that? When her urges got too strong to ignore she always used her fingers to quickly bring herself to a swift and relatively satisfying orgasm. She'd gotten the vibrator as a bit of a gag gift from her best friend, besides Mulder, for her last Birthday. 

Ellen knew Scully hadn't been with anyone since Quantico when she'd been in a relationship with Jack Willis so she'd bought her the vibrator to 'keep her company'. They had been room mates back when they both attended the University of Maryland in 1982 and had become instant friends. Ellen had moved to Canada awhile ago for her husband's job so they seldom saw each other but she remained one of Scully's best friends and they made an effort to fly to each other atleast twice a year. She hadn't seemed to have the heart to throw out the vibrator for some reason. It reminded her of having friends and feeling adventurous, of knowing that she had *fun*. That was a big thing for the stoic Scully. She *did* have fun!

The vibrator lay in a brown paper bag under her bed right at the back, still in its box with the lube it had been wrapped with. No one would ever know it was there, Scully forgot it was half the time. As her mind played out what it might feel like Scully felt herself get wet and heat flood her face again. How could she get rid of Mulder? She wasn't going to use it while he was in the apartment. 

Mulder came back into the room and spotted her blush and distant gaze straight away. "You okay?" He asked her, his voice tinged with concern. 

"Yeah, fine. I guess I just phased out a little" She gave him a sheepish grin. He nodded and moved back to his side of the bed. He wanted to kiss her but he didn't want to push it so soon after she'd probably been talking about the rape. He was probably selfish but he couldn't stop thinking about kissing her at all. Her lips looked so moist and kissable now that the small split had healed. The bruise on her cheek had noticeably faded too. She was stunning. 

"I got through and she'll be here at about the same time tomorrow" He said by way of distracting himself. Scully nodded. "She said that she'd like you to try and complete your exercise but given the short time you'll have she understands if you don't" Scully blushed furiously. 

"Did she tell you what I, um, have to..." She trailed off. She knew that she couldn't have told Mulder. It was against patient doctor confidentiality but the words and fear poured out anyway. 

"You know she didn't, Scully" He told her and inched a little closer to her. He wanted to feel the heat coming off of her. She looked utterly adorable in the oversized top he could see over the bed covers. She nodded her head, she *did* know that Dr Barley couldn't have told him, she had just panicked a little. 

"I was going to head out for a while today if that's okay with you? I want some sunflower seeds. I think I'm getting withdrawals" He chuckled. "I need to check on my fish too" He didn't really need to leave. He could survive without sunflower seeds, easily, and he'd been giving his fish blocks of feed that lasted for up to ten days for a while. He'd started using them more frequently when he realised how easy it was. He suspected she needed time alone to do whatever Dr Barley had asked her to do so he felt the need to make excuses to leave.

"That's fine" She smiled. She was glad he was the one to bring up leaving. She didn't want to ask him. "You'll come back though, won't you?" She asked. She felt slightly panicked at the thought that he wouldn't. She wasn't sure when she'd become so anxious about being without him. 

"Of course, honey" She smiled and, though her stomach flipped in nerves and excitement, she leaned over and kissed him. She couldn't remember when kissing someone became the norm and she didn't feel so nervous in a new relationship. She knew it would be different with Mulder anyway so there wasn't much point in comparing her old relationships to this. Kissing him would always feel this intense, this amazing. Her stomach would always twist with anticipation in such a delicious way, she knew it. 

Mulder kissed her back. Deepening it by trailing his tongue over her closed lips, seeking entry. She gave him it as she gasped, opening her mouth. Their tongues dueling in the most perfect way. He heard himself moaning and he gripped at her back. Scully hissed and broke away. He'd grasped onto a still painful spot on her back. He gave her a questioning look. "My back" She whispered. Hoping those two words explained everything because she doubted she could say anymore. He had effectively stolen her breath. 

"Sorry" He said and went to pull away. He felt awful that he hurt her. Why did nothing ever go easy for them?

"No. Just, just go gently" Scully told him. She didn't want to end the kiss on that note. She plain didn't want the kiss to end. She pulled him back to her. Her lips meeting his again. She opened her mouth almost on contact. Desperate to feel his tongue playing over hers again. Mulder moved his hands into her hair making sure to avoid anywhere that had bruises. Her scalp seemed to be very sensitive and it was bruise free so it was probably the best place to put them. He rubbed at her scalp. Lightly tangling his fingers in the silky tresses. Scully groaned and redoubled her efforts with the kiss. Her tongue speeding up. Her hands pulled at his ass unconsciously and she surged her hips forward without meaning it. 

She felt his hardness brush up against her thigh. She froze for a split second, so did he. He started to pull away but she moved her hands to the back of his head preventing escape. She still felt an odd surge of fear but it was easier to ignore. 

She wasn't sure herself why her reactions to his cock changed so drastically. She'd been pretty turned on by it when she'd woken up on the couch to him being hard, then she'd freaked out the next time, then she'd tried to give him a blow job and now she felt turned on again. She wasn't about to do anything more than kiss him though. She wouldn't risk doing too much too soon and ruining things. 

Mulder wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Whatever got his Scully in his arms and kissing him he wouldn't question. He kept his hands at her head, alternately running his fingers through her hair, rubbing her scalp and caressing her cheeks. They continued to kiss. After about five minutes Scully broke away, panting.

"I forgot how good that was" She said while putting her forehead on his. "Kissing just to kiss, you know. Not having it lead anywhere" She clarified. Kissing was always a prelude to something else now that she was an adult. She felt like a young school girl making out with a secret boyfriend when she kissed Mulder. She smiled and let out a huff of a laugh. 

"You've got no argument here, Scully" He told her and started to kiss her again. She returned his kiss eagerly. She felt like laughing in pure joy. The realisation that this wasn't some secret boyfriend, this was Mulder. Her partner, her love, her everything and she was allowed to kiss him. God! She felt lightheaded and giddy at the thought that it was *Mulder's* lips. When *would* that novelty wear off? If ever? 

Mulder wasn't lying. It *was* nice. Very! He felt his shaft throb and decided that ten minutes of making out with the love of his life was about all he could manage without his hormones getting the better of him. He sucked on her lower lip for a few seconds and pulled away. Letting his hands fall from her head and moving his body backwards on the bed. 

She whimpered a little in protest and then saw the size of the hard on he was sporting. Poor guy. No wonder he'd pulled away. She gave him an almost apologetic look. She wished she *could* make love with him but she knew it was asking too much from herself too quickly. Her heart faltered at the thought that she may never be ready. She was working through it though and she would get better. She was determined. 

Mulder stood and turned his back to her. He needed to rearrange himself and he didn't want her to see him doing it. He gingerly pulled his trousers out away from his cock and moved it so it lay flush against him and the head was trapped by the waist band of his trousers. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world but it beat walking around with a substantial tent pitched in your pants for everyone to see. 

"I'm gonna head out now" He told her as he turned around. His hard on safely tucked in and out of sight. "Do you want anything?" He asked her, already sure he knew the answer. She shook her head, yeah, he knew it. It was still polite to ask. 

Scully stood up to see him to the door. Maybe this *wasn't* a good idea. Surely making out with Mulder would get her closer to her goal then touching herself would. God, that had felt good. She didn't want him to leave! She wanted to ask him to stay. It was only a few hours, she told herself, she'd survive and with any luck she'd be stronger when he came back. 

"I'll, uh, see you later then" She said awkwardly. She'd just snogged his face off and now she was back to awkward? How confusing was that? 

"Yeah" He smiled at her and leaned down to give her a quick kiss. He didn't really want to go and he sensed she didn't really want him to leave but he was sure Scully thought starting a relationship was hard enough without living in each others pockets no matter how she was acting just now and besides, he'd be back by dinner time. She'd hardly have the time to miss him. 

She watched him walk down the corridor a bit and then closed and locked the door. She took a deep breath through her nose and gave a shaky exhale from her mouth. The thought of what she was about to do made her so nervous, so sinful and naughty but at the same time she felt so excited she could scream. Her core felt swollen and ridiculously moist. She swallowed and went back through to her bedroom.

She got down on her hands and knees and retrieved the bag. Truth be told she'd actually never even opened the packaging of the vibrator. She wasn't a prude, not exactly. She'd just never really done this kind of thing with a vibrator. She opened the box and twisted off the bits of plastic holding the vibrator to a board. Her hands trembled a little. Okay, maybe she *was* a bit of a prude but she just wasn't very experienced. That wasn't weird, was it? She cast her mind back as to why she'd never found as much pleasure doing such a thing as many woman did. Sure she'd mastrubated but it was always tinged with shame. She tried her hardest to remember why. There had to be a reason.

She remembered hearing Missy talking to her friends about how she'd 'flicked' her clit until she'd 'exploded'. The memory came slowly to her. A much younger Scully had sneaked up stairs to eavesdrop on the sleepover Melissa was having for her 13th birthday and when she'd heard her older sister say that she had done that Scully had felt sick and scared. She'd sneaked to her room and had lain awake for a very long time. She can't remember now how she knew what a clit was at a relatively young age but she did and Melissa talking about it left a young Scully feeling very confused and worried. She was only two years younger than Melissa should she be doing that too? She remembers thinking in her innocent 10 year old mind (she wouldn't be 11 until that February) that she didn't want to explode! That sounded horrible!

She'd asked Father Renauld about it after their next trip to mass and he'd told her it was wrong and it was the devil luring you in with false feelings of joy. The only euphoria she should get should be from worshiping and loving The Lord. Scully hadn't liked him very much after that and was glad, for once, when they had to move and started attending a different church. From that moment however she'd always associated it with something wrong and dirty. She flushed at the memory and cursed Father Renauld for being so narrow minded and judgemental that he couldn't even help a confused little girl understand something scary to her.

Scully had eventually started to pleasure herself in college but she still felt badly for it although she only now understood why. She'd actually gotten into the habit of praying straight after doing it. Asking for forgiveness. How stupid was that, she now thought. She wouldn't do that this time. She'd allow herself to feel loved and the only worshipping she planed on doing right now was to her own body.

She got the ties undone finally and a white dick molded from silicone fell into her hands. She studied it for a moment. It was a little tapered and the top bent slightly at an angle. There was a rabbit head near the base. The ears exaggerated and clearly designed to stimulate the sides of her clitoris. The nose of the rabbit sat prominent and out of proportion too, clearly intended to directly stimulate under her clit. She trailed her finger down a ridge in the shaft portion. Her heart hammered in anticipation. 

Oh, Shit, batteries. Damn it. She'd forgotten she'd need them. She sighed and put the vibrator on her bed. Luckily Scully was never without things like batteries. She rummaged in her junk drawer in the kitchen and found them. A fresh new strip. She carried them back through. She opened the base with a twist and put three batteries in it. 

Her throat felt dry and she swallowed around the lump that had formed there. She was really going to do this. It felt like her first time. Well, it *was* her first time with a *vibrator* but she shouldn't feel this nervous. Was she nervous? Or was it excitement coursing through her veins?

She got onto her bed and pulled the covers over herself. She didn't think she felt comfortable doing it in the open. Who's going to see me, she thought. She was being stupid. She took a deep breath and after a moments hesitation she pulled off the cover and slowly pulled down her leggings. Her hands kept shaking. She grabbed the lube from the bedside table and pumped it until some came out. Normally she'd wonder about something she'd had for so long but lubricant tended not to go out of date for around a year so long as it wasn't oil based which this one wasn't. It came out thick and clear she dropped her hand down to her opening and smeared it on herself. She gasped at the coldness of it and at the thrill of it. It felt so sinful but somehow that felt good right now. She swirled her fingers around herself for a moment, mixing the lube with her own juices. She was more than ready all by herself but she'd read somewhere that you should always use lubrication with sex toys, better safe than sorry.

She pulled in a steadying breath. She decided to see what the vibrator actually did before she put in inside of herself. She pressed the 'on' button but nothing happened, a little control pad near the base was blue now but it didnt move like she thought it would. She pressed an 'up' arrow and the tip of the vibrator started spinning slowly around. Jesus. A normal cock didn't do that. What was that for? She clicked it again and it spun even faster. Fuck. Maybe she just wouldn't use that part. She clicked the 'down' arrow assuming it would have the opposite affect. It did. Her eyes bugged a little in wonder and shock. She clicked the only other button and the little rabbit buzzed to life. She became fascinated. She put her thumb on its ears and clicked it again and again and again. It had alot if different speeds and settings. One felt like a pulsing while another started gently and built to a hurricane of vibrations. She'd probably just use the first three which were just varying speeds of constant vibrations. She swallowed again. She was really doing this. Oh God. 

Her legs shook and her heart hammered. Doing this for Mulder, I'm doing this for Mulder. For *us*. She told herself that over and over. She needed to become comfortable sexually and considering the feelings and memories she was now uncovering Dr Barley had been right to ask her to start here. She switched off the vibrator and ran the tip of it through her folds. Her breath hitched. In fear or arousal she wasn't sure. She pushed the tip inside of herself. Oh, God. She pushed it all the way in. Mmm... that felt *so* good. God. Her walls hugged at the fake cock as she dragged it slowly back out. She felt each and every inch of it as it moved slowly out of her. A thin sheen of sweat broke out on her skin. She was aware of her heart still hammering violently. She moved the shaft in and out slowly. She closed her eyes. Mulder's face swam into view. Ugh, fuck. Her walls gripped again at the shaft, desperate to pull it deeper imagining it was his thick cock. 

Her mind started to flash to what she'd done to him but she pushed it away. She would *not* think about that! Not now. Instead she focused on the things she wished would happen in the not so distant future. She thrust the shaft in and out quicker as she imagined him making love to her in this very bed. Her other hand slipped under her oversized t-shirt and massaged her breast.

She felt much more relaxed and her fear and shame had gone completely. Mulder had done this in the shower this morning. Hell, he'd been thinking of *her* when he'd done it. She wasn't doing anything wrong. It certainly couldn't be sinful, she thought. God had created her with the ability to feel this happy, to feel this good so how could it be wrong? 

She smiled as her image of Mulder sucked on her collar bone. She switched on the vibrator. She took a deep breath and decided to see what the swirling head felt like. She reasoned that she could just switch it off again if she didn't like it. She pressed the button. "Oh!" She cried out. Christ. Ho, fuck. Holy shit. Her head pulled up, the tendons in her neck straining, her chin hitting her chest. "Uh, GOD" It felt incredible! She pinched her nipple, then soothed it and moved over to her other breast. Her mouth opened and flashed a glint of white teeth and she panted. 

The fake cock twisted and spun inside of her. Hitting a space no man had ever hit. Intellectually she knew it was her G spot but she'd always considered it as somewhat of a myth. It wasn't. Fuck! It felt amazing. Hitting it on every revolution. Why hadn't she been doing this all along again? Fucking hell. Her head slammed back down to the bed and she twisted to the side. She started gasping and moaning into the pillow. She could hardly breathe. She turned up the speed. Ugh! Ho, God! It was so amazing. So intense. She felt strung out. Sweating and desperate. Her stomach flipped and tightened. Her legs shook harder. She just needed a tiny bit more and she knew she'd be flying. Just a little more. Her fantasy Mulder started sucking on her earlobe. Ohh, fuck, yes! God, *please*. Just a bit more. Her eyes actually pricked with tears of frustration. Her hips constantly bucked, seeking something.

Her whole body was tight and trembling. She just needed... God, she needed *something*. With a little start she remembered the rabbit. With numb fingers she clumsily clicked it on. It erupted in vibrations. Her clit quivered. Every fiber of her being felt like it was clenching and relaxing simultaneously.

"God! Muuullderrrr! Ugh" She came the second the vibrations started. Her hips bucking and writhing faster. Her vaginal muscles gripping and stroking at the fake cock. Her face buried in her pillow. She felt like she was about to black out. She pulled the rabbit away from her clit and turning down the spinning when it got too much. The shaft keep spinning but at a much slower rate, letting the sensations calm but not stop entirely. It lulled her back down from paradise instead of shocking her out of it. Her eyes were still squeezed shut. 

She switched it off when the last of the flutters in her vagina stopped. She felt boneless as she pulled out the vibrator slowly. God, that was incredible! 

She felt herself drifting in a calm blissful state. She'd *excelled* in doing 'homework' again, just like she always had, she thought and gave a giggle. 'Homework'. Hahaha. She giggled even louder in sheer joy. In cloudy euphoria. She pulled the covers over herself. Hmm... this was nice. She was so content. Mmm... this was perfect! The only thing that could make it better was if Mulder was here. 

At the thought of Mulder she stirred out of her blissful state. She didn't know when he'd be back and she had no idea how long she'd been laying there. An hour? That sounded about right, didn't it? She threw the covers off herself. She picked her leggings up and put them on. She couldn't stop grinning. She felt like she'd achieved something. Something that had made her more confident and open to the fact that she deserved love. It was a big thing. She'd been so lost in self hatred after what she had done that to feel like she was deserving of pleasure was mind blowing. She *did* deserve it though! 

Mulder said he didn't blame her so she shouldn't keep blaming herself. She felt like she'd taken a huge step in recovering from what had happened. She hadn't known she'd had such deep seated issues before either but she truly felt like she was moving in the right direction. 

It's amazing what a good orgasm can do for you, she thought with a snigger. 

She cleared everything away. Took out the batteries and cleaned the vibrator under the bathroom tap since she had nothing specific to clean it. She put it back in it's box and put it in the brown paper bag with the lube and hid it under her bed again. 

She felt free and much happier than she had in years. She knew she wasn't over her misguided shame and she blamed Father Renauld for that but she *had* taken a big step. She couldn't stop smiling. Why did this matter so much to her? She felt... empowered, yeah, that's the best word for it, she thinks. 

She decided to sit in bed with the tv on and think about what she was learning about herself until Mulder came back


	14. Chapter 14

Mulder spent awhile just chilling out at his apartment. He didn't want to head back too soon and disturb Scully. He waited until about five pm and drove back over to Scully's.

He knocked at the door and Scully answered it quickly. 

"Hey" She looked radiant. Whatever her little exercise was it had obviously helped her, Mulder thought. She moved to let him in and closed the door behind him. 

"Uh, hey, Scully." He said back. He felt a little like he was an intruder. He knew he wasn't judging by how happy she was to see him but he still felt as though he were encroaching on her happiness somehow. "Have fun?" He asked her. She flushed scarlet. What the hell had she had to do he wondered? He hoped Dr Barley wasn't asking *too* much of her.

Mulder's secret of the moment was that he'd actually bought out Dr Barley's week. She wasn't on holiday at all. She was completely at Scully's disposal. When Mulder's father had died he'd left behind a very substantial amount of money and two extremely expensive properties. They were meant to be shared between him and Samantha upon his demise but due to her being classed as deceased seven years after her disappearance everything went to Mulder. He had sold the properties immediately, he had no use for them. He was a very wealthy man. He didn't really need the money for himself and he had nothing to spend it on so he jumped at the idea of spending it on Scully. 

Dr Barley was world renowned for what she did. She tended to take a less text book aproach to therapy and a few shunned her for her unorthodox methods. You couldn't argue with results though, thought Mulder. He'd booked her over the phone after a bit of haggling. Then when Scully said she wanted another appointment he'd bought every appointment for the next week. It was worth every penny. 

She was booked up but Scully was responding so what else was he meant to do? Dr Barley would see her other patients after hours it was decided. He would book her for the month if he needed to. He wasn't sure if he should tell Scully about the money he had or not. Maybe it was jumping the gun a bit. A relationship was pretty serious when it got to the point of talking about finances. They probably weren't there yet or atleast Scully probably wasn't. 

It hadn't cost too much to buy Dr Barley for the week and have her cancel on her previous patients. He felt badly that other people weren't going to benefit from her therapy but *Scully* needed it more so he found it easy to be selfish. Dr Barley would see the other clients when she wasn't seeing Scully. Scully came first, always. 

"I didn't realise the time so I didn't get a chance to start dinner" Scully told him, ignoring what he'd asked her. She didn't want to lie and she *definitely* didn't want to tell him what she'd been doing. 

Scully started to walk to the kitchen. Facing Mulder straight after fantasising about him felt odd. Naughty, almost. She felt like she was wearing a neon sign telling the world what she'd just done. She knew she wasn't being logical. There was no way he could know. 

"What do you fancy then?" He asked her, following her through to the kitchen. She went to the fridge and passed him an iced tea and got herself a water. 

"Umm... I'm not too sure. Maybe something with the chicken we bought. What meal did we think we'd make with it again?" She asked. Her elegant eyebrow's dipping to a small frown as she tried to remember. 

"Umm, Chicken parmigiana, I think." He said it like a question. 

"That's was it." She smiled. "I love that. My mother used to make it alot for us" She told him "that with chunky potato wedges." She added with a grin. She started pulling out the ingredients to make it. 

Mulder smiled at her. He started cutting up the potatoes as she bashed chicken between cling film. The potatoes took the longest so he hurried to get them in the oven cooking. He was bowled over for a split second as the reality of everything hit him again. He was really here. He felt the ridiculous desire to pinch himself. 

They worked in perfect synch with each other, as always. It was almost like they shared one mind and knew what job the other needed done. He swooped down and kissed her a good few times. She told him off for distracting her and blamed him when she dropped an egg covered bit of chicken and had to bash another bit. She still kissed him back though and he could hear in her voice that her protests were only half hearted at best.

He felt completely happy with her. He always did but he was having a hard time believing how lucky he was. People like him did *not* get that lucky. They just didn't. 

The chicken just needed to be finished off and Scully ripped mozzarella over it as Mulder sprinkled the rest of the parmesan cheese over it. It went under the grill and the wedges got checked.

"Are we eating in the livingroom again?" He asked her. Worried about her back still being in pain. She'd flinched when he'd touched it earlier so it was obviously still causing her problems.

"Yeah, if that's ok" She said. She swithered over grabbing the other bottle of wine in the fridge after what happened last time. She felt him move behind her and take the wine. He obviously sensed her unease about it and wanted to show he didn't think it was a problem so long as she wasn't upset and drinking. He thought he'd been pretty clear about that but maybe not.

"I told you I don't care even if you get absolutely wasted so long as you do it because you're enjoying yourself, remember." He told her. "Just never drink to numb the pain... This wine is pretty damn good. I'll definitely He winked and took the bottle and some glasses through to the coffee table.

"Thanks" She told him with a smile when he came back through. She felt nerves bubble in her stomach again. Everytime things were going well she felt terrified that something bad had to happen. She was sure there was a word for that. A phobia of some sort. "Cherophobia" she whispered without meaning to say it out loud. 

"You too, huh." Mulder said when he heard her. She blushed. She didn't even know why she'd said it aloud. It was more because she remembered the word that fit with what she was feeling. "It's very illogical of you Dr Scully" He chuckled. He moved over to her and wrapped her in a hug "nothing bad is going to happen. We can be happy. We deserve it, I think" He told her. His breath stirring her hair.

"I know... I just..." She stopped, not wanting to admit to her fears. She wrapped her arms tightly around him. Her face snuggling into his chest.

"You just what? You can tell me. I won't tell anyone. Scouts honor" He said in a joking tone.

"Were you even a boy scout, Mulder?" She said, hoping to divert the conversation away from herself. He chuckled.

"Nah, you caught me. Me and my Dad were Indian guides for a bit though" they both laughed and he leaned back and kissed her forehead. "I'm gonna have to take out dinner before it burns but don't think I've forgotten about you avoiding our conversation" He told her with a raise of his eyebrow's.

Damn, she thought. She'd hoped he'd drop it. She helped him plate up dinner and took her plate and cutlery through to the livingroom.

They both sat on the floor the way they had before.

"So, what is it you think is going to happen?" He asked her as they each dug into their food. Scully frowned deeply. Why was he so persistent! She know she had to share these thing with him. Communication was the key to a relationship after all. She smiled a little at the irony of that thought. As if they ever really talked. Now was as good a time as any though she supposed. 

"I don't deserve to be happy like this, Mulder. Criminals shouldn't get everything they've ever..." She broke off with a small sob and started eating quickly. She blushed too at the thought of what she'd almost admitted to. 

"You're not a criminal, Scully. What will it take to make you see that? It wasn't your fault. You were drugged for Christ's sake" He felt himself getting a little angry as he spoke. He wasn't angry *at* her, not at all. He was angry that she felt this terrible about herself. Like she didn't deserve happiness. She was such a good person. How could she not see that? She deserved every drop of happiness the universe could give her. 

"But I... I wanted it, in a way. I already told you" She was crying now. Thick tear drops rolling down her face. A few threatened to fall in her food but missed at the last second. 

"You didn't want it like that though, Scully. You just wanted me. You told me so. Although I can hardly believe it. Then again I am a bit of a stud muffin" He tried to joke in order to avoid his true feelings of inadequacy. She chuckled a little.

"I have feelings for you and I... I did something awful to the man that I... I hurt you. I hurt both of us and now what? Everything is okay and we can just work through this? It feels like something bad has to happen to me. Punishment, I guess" She gave him a sad smile. Her tears had calmed and she started eating again.

"Oh, honey. You *don*'t deserve punishment. You deserve love and kindness and happiness and, God, you deserve everything you want, Scully. Everything." They ate in silence for a bit, both of them absorbing everything that had been said. Her tears completely dried as she ate.

Mulder had the distinct impression that Scully had been about to say she loved him when she had been talking. His mind drifted back to the first night they'd spent together since she'd been drugged. She had slipped in the bath and screamed that she loved him so much. Had she meant it? Was she really about to say she loved him and stopped herself? He knew she loved him on some level but love and being *in* love were two totally different things. Maybe she was as in love with him as he was with her? He shouldn't think that incase he broke his own heart. He should be happy with the way things were and he was. He really was. It was *more* than he deserved.

It was so hard not to tell her everything. Not to pledge his very soul to her. He felt like their conversations kept getting too heavy and, to some extent, going around in circles and then becoming awkward. He wanted to lighten them somehow but he didn't know how. He wanted them to just be a new couple. To have all the tiny thrills that brought. 

They ate the rest of their meal in relatively comfortable silence. He took their plates through and returned to the livingroom. On a whim he switched on her cd player. Classical music played softly out, floating around the apartment. Scully looked questioningly up at him from the floor. He walked over and silently held out his hand with a smile. 

She took it with a smile and a quirk of her head to the side. She wanted to tell him she couldn't dance very well or tell him she felt silly. She couldn't find words though and she didn't dare to speak incase she might break whatever spell was working. He grinned at her acceptance and pulled her to her feet.

He pulled her to him and they danced slowly together. As though their bodies somehow knew exactly how to compliment each others movements. Mulder wished he knew what the music was so he could go out and buy the cd. Something to remind him of the most perfect moment in his life. His first dance with Scully. It *was* perfect, simply perfect. Her little hands twined around the back of his neck and played with the short hairs there. Her warm body pressed against his. She felt so soft and feminine, so relaxed in her leggings and t-shirt. He felt himself fall in love with her all over again.

Her deep blue eyes gazed deeply into his the whole time. She felt like they were searching each others souls. He held his hands on her hips, not daring to put them any lower. Scully felt like her heart might explode. She'd never felt like this before. She felt... loved. Yeah, that was the best word for it, loved.

The piece ended and she leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed him softly. He clutched at her hips as he kissed her back. It was a kiss filled with such love that she felt as though she were floating. She pulled slowly away. Opening her eyes and looking into his again.

"I love you" She whispered. Her stomach plumetted. Mulder's eyes widened and he furrowed his brow in question. 

Shit. Shit. Shit! She hadn't meant that. Well, of course she'd *meant* it but she hadn't meant to actually *say* it. Shit!

She went to bolt away. She was *not* ready to hear him say he didn't feel the same. Fuck. She just wanted to run, to get away from what she'd just said. Being in limbo *was* better than the sickening plummet of her stomach she thought. 

Everything was going so perfectly! She'd screwed it up again, she knew she had. What a God damn *idiot*. His hand gripped her arm and he spun her back to him. His face was beaming. She felt tears in her eyes but didn't let them fall.

"I love you, too, Scully" He said in an equally quiet voice, locking his eyes on hers. It wasn't how he'd pictured admitting his feelings to her and it definitely wasn't the way he thought she'd say it, if she ever would. 

Scully felt a laugh bubbling up in her. She wasn't even sure why. The whole thing suddenly seemed so completely absurd. Raping him and then, what? dating him and now telling each other that. She knew he meant it too. She laughed out loud and he stared at her. She couldn't help it though. It was so stupid. So strange. How the hell had all of this even happened she wondered for about the millionth time. 

"Sorry" She sniggered out. 

"You were kidding? I, I don't get it" He said. His voice laced in fear and hurt. Why the fuck was she laughing? Was she lying to him? He knew her so well and he could tell she was being honest when she'd said it. Still, why in the hell was she laughing? Had he done something wrong? What the hell? Scully slumped her shoulders down and smoothed her clothing. Instantly sobered by the upset and fear in his voice. 

"No. No, I meant it! I did" She broke off and suppressed another laugh. She felt giddy, verging on hysterical. She didn't understand it. 

"Then why are you laughing?!" He was getting really pissed at her now. He'd told her something so personal and meaningful and she was laughing. What a bitch. Okay, no, not a bitch. Scully could never be that. She was something right now though. 

"Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry. I just... I feel like I'm dreaming or, I don't know, hallucinating or something. I'm kind of confused and, um, I'm not sure." She shook her head. She suddenly felt dreadful. That was meant to be a pivotal point in their lives and she had burst out laughing like some crazy person. 

She leaned into him and kissed him passionately. He responded even though he was pretty damn confused. How could he ever not respond to her? "I *do* love you" She said again when she pulled back to a hairs breath from his mouth. She kissed him again. 

They stood making out for several minutes. Her heart felt completely whole for the first time since... well, ever. This was perfect. He loved her. Actually *loved* her!

Mulder moaned into their kisses. He grasped at her rounded bottom. Her perfect lips were so amazing on his. At this point he'd normally want to take her to bed but he doubted he should do that so he just pulled away enough to tell her he loved her too and kiss her deeply again. 

He walked them backwards to the couch and she collapsed on to it. He followed quickly and cuddled up beside her. Their lips never parting. The couch seemed safer than the bed, he thought. She wouldn't panic and think he was after more then her kisses. To his complete surprise he felt her hand start to wander up his thigh. She grazed his already hard cock and they both moaned. 

Scully was so sick of living like the way they were. Of waltzing around and pretending they didn't want to jump each other bones. She knew he wanted her, he got hard all the damn time and after what she'd heard him doing in the shower it was obvious just how *much* he wanted her. He'd said he loved her. It terrified her but it made her so happy at the same time. How would their lives be? Would he want children? Marriage? Jesus. It was a scary situation and she knew it would lead to so many almost impossible decisions. 

She cast the thoughts away. Her future self could worry about all that. She just wanted to feel instead of thinking so much. Maybe that was her problem all along. Being stuck in her head thinking too much all the time. Over analysing every tiny detail instead of just feeling. 

She pushed her tongue in his mouth harder and swirled it around his quickly. God. He tasted good! She touched his erection fully now. Cupping and caressing it through his pants. 

She straddled him, desperate to feel his throbbing cock nearer her entrance. Their lips never broke.

The second his bulge touched her core she froze. No! Not now. Please not now she thought desperately. She ripped her mouth off of his, maybe if she saw his face, if she reassured herself he wasn't screaming at her or in any kind of torment, maybe then she'd relax. 

He sensed the change in her immediately. He wasn't sure what to do so he kept his hands away from her stiff body. 

It wasn't working. Fuck! She was soaking wet, horny as hell but her mind was spinning in guilt and fear. She didn't know what she could do to make this better. She wanted to make love with him. *Finally* make love with him but her body was frozen. She wanted to cry out, to weep her frustration away.

"It's okay" He told her and gently lifted her off of his lap.

"No! No, I want to try. Please... I, I need to. Can we go to the bedroom?" She said in a small voice. She was so embarrassed. She was almost pleading with him. She wanted him so much. So damn much!

"It's really okay, Scully. We'll just go slow. It's only been a few days. Don't expect too much from yourself ok."

A few stray tears slipped out. No! She wanted this. She wanted him! Why the hell couldn't she do this? 

"Please. Can we just... Can we just *try*. Please, Mulder" She *knew* she was pleading now. It was pathetic but why the fuck wouldn't he atleast *try*. 

"I... fuck, Scully, do you have any idea how hard this is? I want you so much, so *damn* much and you're, Christ, you're practically begging and I don't know how much I... Shit, Scully" He felt terrible for her but his cock still pounded. He had to be a big person and say no. He had to. God, he wanted her though.

"I don't understand what the problem is? You say you want me and you know I want you. Jesus, Mulder, we just told each other we love each other. I want to make..."

"You froze, Scully." He interrupted "You're terrified. I can't do this to you, to us." He said. He was almost shouting now. He couldn't explain it properly but he didn't want to hurt her. To let her do too much too soon. She wasn't ready! "We don't have to have sex right now. I want... I want it to be perfect. For both of us." He told her. He saw her cover her face with her hands. He reached out and rubbed her shoulder. "I love you so much. We just need to go slowly, okay?" He leaned over and kissed the side of her hand. She dropped her hands and he wiped away some of her tears with hui thumb. She gave him a shaky smile.

"I want to be ready, Mulder. I feel like I *am*. I'm sorry I froze. I don't know why I did... well, I mean, I guess it's obvious but..." She broke off with a sigh filled with so much sorrow it stole his breath. 

"We're in this together. We'll just take it at *our* pace. Sound good?" He said. She leaned into him and they lay back. His arm around her shoulder while his other tickled and rubbed gently down her ribcage. She nodded and turned to kiss him again.

"I'm sor..."

"Don't you dare. You haven't done anything to be sorry for, Scully... I still love you. It doesn't make me feel any differently" He smiled at her and kissed her forehead and then he trailed kisses over her cheeks, his lips absorbing the few new tears that had trickled there. She smiled a little back up at him. 

"Could we... I mean, we could still... there are other ways to make love" She said, her voice wavering. She felt like a scared teenager embarking on her first sexual experience all over again. 

She remembered how his cock had felt in the brief moment she'd had it in her mouth. The way he tasted when she licked the head of his dick. She wanted to make love and she knew deep down that having penetrative sex probably wasn't really an option tonight so she would settle for the next best thing. Her tears completely dried since she had thought of a way around the impasse. 

Mulder didn't seem to follow her. She kissed him again, slipping her tongue into his mouth. She'd practically mapped his mouth out by now but everytime their lips and tongues met it still sent a rush through her. Her hips bucked when his hand slid up her thigh. He startled back obviously thinking he'd done something wrong. 

Scully whimpered and picked up his hand in hers. She placed it back where it was. She kept her hand over his and slid it further up her leg indicating what she wanted him to keep doing. She took her hand away from his to caress his cheek and he followed the course up her leg. She bucked into him again and moaned in to his mouth when he got to her mid thigh. He seemed to be catching on. He moved his hand up her leggings and moaned when he felt dampness between her legs. She broke off to gasp. 

"Bedroom? I don't want to grope on the couch like teenagers, Mulder" She sniggered a little and stood up, pulling him with her.

He went willingly. He didn't know exactly what she had in mind but he knew he'd made his thoughts about not having sex pretty clear so he'd go with whatever her substatute was. 

They got to the bedroom and she smirked at him and pushed him onto the bed. She leaned over him to kiss him. She froze. He was laying beneath her and she was over him. Just like... Oh, God. She realised in that exact moment why she kept freezing. She couldn't be on top. How fucking obvious. It made so much sense! Why hadn't she noticed before? That's what it was. That's all it was! She just couldn't be above him. 

Mulder felt her freeze again and started to push her gently off of him.

"No. No, I can't be on top, that's all." She laughed out loud at herself. She felt so relieved! It was such an astounding realisation. She felt so amazing now that she'd figured it out. It wasn't Mulder. It wasn't actual sex. It was something they could overcome. Thank God she thought. They could make love! She moved and lay beside him.

"What do you mean?" He asked with a frown. 

"I... I can't be on top of you in any way. I, I think we can... um, make love if you, uh, were on top" She said, beaming at him and leaned over to kiss him again. She felt excited and nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time. Would he want to? She was *so* damn relieved. She was okay, well... Maybe not totally okay but she was definitely okay enough to make love to the love of her life... so long as he was on top. 

"I, I thought we said we'd go slowly" He stammered out. 

"Mulder" She whined out. "I want you so much. Please." She mumbled into his neck. She placed hot open mouthed kisses on his neck and nibbled at his earlob. "I understand now why I kept freezing. I'm not terrified anymore. I want this and I know what was wrong this whole time" She smiled at him. He turned his head and kissed her. She felt oddly proud if herself that she knew why she was freezing and she could easily work passed it. She was giddy at the thought that she could actually be with him the way she wanted to.

She reached down and cupped his erection again. Astounded anew at how such a simple touch of him could leave her so breathless but damn he felt good. He was so hard and so big. She moved her other hand from the back of his neck where she'd been holding him and tried to pull down his trousers with both of them. It took a fraction of a second to realise the button was still in and her efforts were in vein. She moaned in desperation and felt him chuckle into her mouth. 

She pulled back for a moment, gave him a playful scowl and undone the button and zipper quickly. She dipped her hand in the V shaped space. 

"Hu, God" She gasped out. "I need you, baby, please." She told him while staring straight into his eyes. They looked emerald in his lust and she wondered briefly how anyone could possibly be so gorgeous. Although she wasn't fond of pet names baby had just slipped out and she liked the thought of Mulder being her baby.

She'd called him baby. Jesus! He never thought he'd hear her say anything like that to him. It was such a turn on! He felt another surge of blood rush to his cock. He was painfully hard. He wanted her so badly. He was so unbelievably glad that she seemed to have figured out what was causing her to freeze in fear and that she wanted to be with him.

"Uh, fuck, Scully. I want you" He pulled her head to his and kissed her while his cock surged in her hand. Her hand rubbed teasingly over the head of his cock through his boxer's. She kept bucking her own hips as if she wasn't even in conrol of her own actions. It was so clear that she wanted him badly. It was almost impossible to even consider stopping this at this point. He had to be sure though. This was a huge step and he didn't want his hormones or desire dictating to him.

"Are you sure?" He asked her as his hands fell to the hem of her t-shirt. 

"God, yes" She moaned and helped him take her top off. She didn't have a bra on and she felt a small rush of worry that he'd be repulsed by her bruises. He'd seen them countless times by this point but never when they were about to make love. 

"You're so beautiful, Scully." He breathed out. He sensed her uncertainty. "Tell me if I hurt you okay?" He said seriously. He didn't want to harm her at all. He dropped his mouth to her nipple. They were for too tempting to stay away from. Christ. How long had it been since someone had done that to her? Far too damn long she admitted. She gripped at the back of his head in encouragement. 

Mulder couldn't fathom how happy he was. Christ, she felt amazing. Her breasts were perfect! He practically growled around the hardened pebble of her nipple. She tasted so good here too. He sucked hard on her. Her moans spurring him on. He was careful with his hand's, not wishing to accidentally grip her too tightly and hurt her still tender skin.

She groaned and gasped as his tongue flicked over her nipple. His hands couldn't seem to remain still and he touched and tenderly caressed every bit of her he could reach. Her hand's moved through his hair, then down his muscular shoulders and gripped at his back. 

Mulder moaned as he felt her fingernails digging into his back. He'd fantasised so many times about her doing exactly that. He pulled back and blow on her saliva slick nipple, she gasped. He moved onto her other breast and started tweaking at the one he'd just left between his thumb and forefinger. Her moans were continuous. Fuck. He couldn't want her more. He'd never wanted someone like this before. It was so consuming. Utterly stealing him of any other thoughts.

Scully couldn't believe the things he was making her feel. Was it this good with her past boyfriends? She doubted it. They haden't even gotten to the main event yet and she already knew she was spoiled for anyone else. No one else would ever even come close to comparing. 

She pulled his t-shirt off. She wanted to lay him down to be able to easily lick and suck every inch of his newly exposed skin,she couldn't though. She couldn't hover over him like that. She frowned but her ever ready mind gave her the solution. She pulled at him until they were both in a seated position. He understood what she was doing and went willingly. Whatever she needed to feel okay he would do it. 

She bent over and kissed and licked at his chest until he was squirming and moaning beside her. His hands reached down and cupped her ass. He'd spent a huge amount of time watching her ass at work. It was so perfect. He always was a bit of an ass man and hers was the most amazing upside down love heart shape he'd ever seen. 

Scully moaned in ecstacy when he touched her ass. She had a slight kink about anything to do with her ass. She'd never tell anyone though but she assumed the involuntary thrust of her hips gave her away.

Mulder reached into her leggings to better touch her ass and groaned aloud at the hot feel of her skin. Her naked skin. She wasn't wearing panties. Jesus. He thrust his hips and writhed as she continued to kiss him. She seemed to have a more definite destination in mind now. She licked a slow circle around his navel and flicked her eyes up at him. 

She was so glad it felt like he was above her. The last of her fear and worry vanished when she saw him looking down at her. She sat up and kissed him again. Her tongue playing slowly with his. 

"I love you" She told him and lay back down next to him. She started pulling down his trousers. Her heart flipped at the thought of seeing his cock again. Yes, she'd seen it a few times before but it was never in such a good situation. 

Mulder took over and pulled off all of his remaining clothing. He didn't want her to have to sit above him to do it and he couldn't see how else he'd get them off. 

"I love you, too, so much" He said and kissed her again. His hands roamed over her body. God, she was perfect! The rise of her breasts, the dip of her waist, the tiny swell of her stomach. He slipped his hands back into her leggings. She helped him take them off.

They both lay naked now. Each moaning and stroking at each others bodies. She wanted so much more. She took the next step first and reached down to his naked cock. Christ. He was so hard! They moaned together as she cicled her small hand around him. She stroked him from base to tip. They kept kissing. Addicted to each others mouths. 

Mulder's reluctantly broke the kiss. There was somewhere else on her he'd always wanted to kiss. He smiled down at her. She lay panting and looking up at him with wide lust filled eyes. He started kissing down her body.

Scully sensed what he was about to do and gripped at him. Pulling him upwards by the arms. He gave her a questioning look. Most woman loved oral sex and he loved giving it. It wasn't a position where she'd be on top so he couldn't see what the problem was.

"Later... Please... I need you inside of me. Now, Mulder " She sighed out in longing and spread her legs in a silent invitation. There would be time for everything else later.

"Fuck." It was the only word he could even get out. He slid up her body and positioned himself between her legs. Christ, this was really going to happen. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking in the whole situation and thanking God for it. It was a fucked up thing that had led to this but it had been so worth it. 

Scully kept her eyes locked on his when he opened them. Trying to show all the love she felt for him in a single gaze. She felt the head of his cock nudge very near her entrance and gasped. 

She gripped his shaft gently in her hand and bought him right to her opening.

"I love you" She told him, never breaking eye contact. She pushed the tip of him inside of her.

"I love you, too" He smiled and pushed in the rest of the way with a groan. He forced himself to keep his eyes open and looking into her ocean blue ones. He watched every single feeling and emotion pass through them as he bottomed out at her cervix. 

"Oh, fuck. You're so tight, Scully" He groaned. He didn't think he'd be able to last. She reached up and kissed him again. He took in a deep breath and bit the inside of his cheek to try and calm his excitement. How could he expect his body to react any differently though? She felt far too good!

He pulled out almost all of the way, going as slowly as he could stand. He wanted to make this last in anyway he could and although his body was screaming at him to just pound into her for all he was worth he held back. 

She could feel every thick inch of him as he withdrew. She pushed on his well toned ass to pull him back in faster. Why was he going so fucking slowly? She heard herself whimper. She wanted him to lose himself in this moment. To become so lost to the pleasure he felt inside of her that all technique went out the window. She pushed at him again. Hurrying his reentry. He took the hint and slammed back into her, filling her abruptly. She wanted him to take her! To be passionate. To give both of them what they'd been so desperate for.

"UGH" She groaned when he slammed back in. "Go fast, baby, please. Oh, Christ." She cried out to him. She was so desperate for him, all of him. She needed him to be crazy. She wasn't exactly sure why. She'd never really had frantic sex before but that's how she felt now, completely and utterly frantic. Her lust bubbling and boiling inside her. Every nerve on alert. Her hands never stilled nor did her lips. She wanted to feel every single inch of him all at once. She knew she'd never get enough of him. Her craving for him could never be completely sated.

He kept slamming into her. Her wish being his command. "Yeah, mmm... like that... oh, yessss... God! Uh, Mulder!" He was surprised she was so loud. He'd never really pegged her for it. She'd been rather loud the first time but he'd assumed it was the drugs. She kept making soft "Uhh, Uhh" sounds each time he filled her.

He felt incredible. So fucking incredible! Jesus. She loved it. Loved him. She wanted him to pound her so hard and fast that it somehow erased the memory of the last time. God. It was perfect. Oh, fuck, so perfect. She raised her hips frantically meeting each of his powerful thrusts.

He was usually a pretty quiet lover. Choosing to remain quiet in favour of paying attention and altering his movements and speed accordingly. He heard himself moaning though. She was so damn hot and tight! He leaned down and kissed at her neck. "Fuck, Scully... you feel so good, honey... Yes! Oh, fuck... So fucking good!" He moaned into her ear. 

He wished he could do more but it wasn't the best position to access her clit. It was almost impossible and he could feel his balls pulling up already. Shit. Too soon. He willed himself to last longer. He didn't want this first real time to be so fast.

"Scully... I'm, shit, I'm close" He panted out. He slowed his movements in a desperate attempt to stave off his orgasm. She deserved so much better than this mindless need.

"No! Don't stop!... Fuck me!" She panted out and moved her hips in the same hurried motion. "Oh, God, please, Mulder" 

Scully wanted him to come. The thought that she was making him feel this way gave her so much pleasure. She never came like this anyway and she wished she could get the presence of mind to tell him that. To let him know that it wasn't his fault she wouldn't orgasm. To tell him that what he was doing was fucking amazing. That it was all she needed. She didn't need to come, not with him. What he was giving her was so much more than a fleeting orgasm.

He gave up his futile attempt and pounded into her again. She moaned out, gasping and panting with each stroke of him inside of her. He'd never felt anything so right. He felt his cock tingle to an almost painful level and buried his face even deeper into her neck.

"It's okay. It's good. So go ooo od. Cum for me, Mulder. Fuck. Cum inside of me!" She grunted out. She grasped at his head and pulled it away from the crook at her neck so she could see him properly. She wanted to watch him.

Mulder gave a few short sharp thrusts more and exploded inside of her. "Uhhhh... SCULLY!" He panted out as he washed her insides with his seed. 

She moaned at the feeling and felt herself spasm lightly. It wasn't exactly an orgasm but it was damn close to one. The thought of his cum inside of her sent her to cloud nine. This was *Mulder*! He'd just cum inside of her, cum for her, because of her. She didn't think she'd ever be able to dream of anything more amazing 

Neither spoke as he collapsed into her. Each trying to regulate their breathing. 

"That was amazing" She was the first to break the silence. Her hands rubbing up and down his sweaty back. She kissed at the side of his face. Not caring about a specific spot. Anywhere she could reach would do.

"You didn't even cum, Scully. I lasted about two minutes. It was pretty far from amazing for you." He said in a whisper. He felt terrible that he hadn't made sure she was enjoying herself more. Minute man Mulder. God. How fucking humiliating. Of course he'd do something to screw it up. He didn't exactly have the best track record for making her happy. He didn't even want to look at her. Shit. She hadn't even cum.

She would have none of his self pity, not now. Not when what he'd given her was so utterly incredible. She wouldn't let him ruin the indescribable bliss she felt. She pulled his face up to look at her again.

"It was absolutely perfect, Mulder" She whispered back to him. Willing him to see the sheer amazement in her eyes. "I can't believe how lucky I am" She chuckled and clutched at him.

"Oh, don't laugh" He told her as her muscles contacted around his deflating but still sensitive penis.

"Sorry" She said but laughed even harder. He groaned and her muscles ended up pushing him out without her wishing them to. They both groaned at the sudden motion. She immediately felt bereft without him.

She sobered and looked up at him with more love than he'd every seen directed at him before. She seemed perfectly happy and not in the least bit disappointed with her lack of orgasm. He felt his heart lighten considerably. He could tell by her look of awe that she was telling him the truth. She was so happy. He had put that shy smile on her face. He glowed with the thought.

He looked down at her with as much love as he could. She pouted over the loss of him and he laughed and kissed her pout away.

They didn't bother cleaning up. That involved leaving the other and neither was happy to do that. He pulled her into a tight embrace and kissed the top of her head. Just laying with her head on top of him didn't seem like too much. 

"Love you" He said as he rubbed his nose through her hair and inhaled her scent. 

"Mmh... you too" She said back. She could feel her eyes growing heavy. She wanted to stay awake, to memorise every tiny part of this moment. Sleep came too quickly for either of their liking


	15. Chapter 15

Scully kept up with her therapy, it helped her immensely. She and Mulder had been together properly a little over two weeks now but she still hadn't managed to go on top of him when they made love. Being back at work was nowhere near as bad as she thought it might be. Probably due to how normal Mulder made it all seem, for his continued support she'd be forever grateful. In her therapy sessions she'd slowly but surely got over her guilt and come to realise that what had happened wasn't her fault. They were both victims of the situation. All in all she'd never been more happy in her life. Her bruises had healed along with her mind. When she learnt to let her shame and guilt go she'd stopped have her strange mood swings and dissociative episodes. She still wanted to make love on top of him though. Before all of this had happened it had been one of the biggest fantasies she had involving Mulder. Not one that she entertained too often of course and not one she mastrubated to, more of an erotic daydream. She had decided, after talking it over with Dr. Barley, that tonight was the night. 

It was Saturday and Mulder was coming over later on for dinner. Although she still suffered anxiety when he was gone she was getting a hell of a lot better and a day away was manageable. On nights that he didn't stay with her he spoke to her on the phone until they both fell asleep. 

"Hey Scully" came Mulder's voice as he let himself into her apartment with his key.

"Hey" She called back from the kitchen. The chilli she'd been making was all but finished. She just needed to make some rice to go with it. 

Mulder entered the kitchen. Taking in the sight of her. It still caught his breath to see her in 'normal' clothes and not her usual G-woman suits. She was wearing an open green shirt with a white tank top underneath and a pair of soft looking denim jeans. She was stunning. The green of her shirt made her hair even more vivid. 

"Smells good. What's on the menu?" He asked. Scully turned to answer him. She never got out a single syllable before he swooped down on her for a slow easy kiss. She hummed into it but felt her stomach twist in knots. She almost laughed at her nervousness. This was Mulder! She shouldn't have anything to be afraid of. Still, the thought of what she had planned for tonight set her on edge. Mulder pulled back from the kiss. Scully tilted her head to the floor and took in a slightly shaky breath.

"That bad, huh? And I was sure I was nothing less than minty fresh" he said trying to meet her eyes. He saw her lips twitch into a small smile.

"It's chilli." She ignored his comment and turned back to the stove. She missed his slight frown. "I've never made it before so I hope it's ok. My mum made it for dinner once, remember? When we went over for my birthday and you said you loved it. I mean, maybe you were just saying that to be polite but... well I got the recipe and I figured"

"Woah." He interrupted her babbling. She was going a mile a minute. Why was she acting this way, he wondered. "Scully, it's me. What's wrong?" He asked. He mentally crossed his fingers that this wasn't a break up dinner. He went back over the last two weeks and couldn't think of something he'd done wrong. Granted they hadn't had a good start but ever since they'd admitted they loved each other he'd thought things had been going well. No, not well, amazing, fantastic, so much more than just well. 

"Nothing" her voice squeaked a little betraying her. He turned her face towards him, giving her a pointed look and raising his eyebrow's. "I want to have sex" She blurted. Her face blushed beetroot red. 

"Oohhkay... I'm pretty sure we've been doing that." He chuckled a little, he had no clue where she was going. 

"No. I mean..." she trailed off. This is Mulder! She reminded herself. Your best friend, your confidant, your goddamned everything. Stop acting like a scared little virgin. "I want to be on top" She said and swallowed thickly. 

"Oh" He couldn't get his brain to function for a moment. He wanted her in every conceivable way but he never wanted her to be afraid, not ever. In the time since their real first time they'd made love nearly every day. They'd had sex in virtually every other position but that one. He didn't feel like he was missing a damn thing and it had honestly not even crossed his mind that much. They'd spoken about it the day after they'd been together their first time and he understood. He didn't care. His relationship with her was so much more than sex anyway. "Scully, we've spoken about it. I don't feel like we're missing something together just because" 

"I know" She interrupted quickly "I know" She repeated softly. "I just... I want to. I can't explain it properly but I want to have a good memory of that, um, position. Does that make sense? I want to be over what happened. Completely over it. I don't want to be afraid anymore, Mulder. I don't want there to be a single thing I can't do with you. And I... I feel ready" She looked up at him, meeting his eyes completely. He saw the unguarded emotion in them. The desire and the determination. 

"Okay. We can try... if you're sure." 

"I am. I'm sure" She told him with a smile. They were really going to do this. Really going to overcome this, together. 

Scully reached behind her and turned the cooker off. She didn't want to wait another moment and give her brain time to talk her out of it. Now she'd voiced it to Mulder she didn't want to back out or give into the cowardly feeling coiling in her gut. 

"Now?" He asked with wide eyes. He felt his cock stiffen at the mere thought of it. Just as it always did at the thought of being intimate with Scully. 

"Hmm" She said in with a slow nod. Her heart was pounding. She grasped him gently round the neck and brought his mouth to her. She kissed him slowly at first. Before either of them knew it the kiss heated up, causing them both to forget everything else. 

Scully pulled away eventually and gave him the saucy grin he knew he'd never get bored of. She took his hand and led him through to her bedroom. 

Scully started undressing him, her hands shaking. She could do this. She would do this! Mulder caught her trembling hands and gave her a loving look. Knowing how hard this was for her. "We've got all the time in the world Scully. Don't rush yourself, okay" He told her in a loving hushed voice and kissed her again.

She nodded and licked her top lip. Mulder wished he could take her fear away. He didn't care if they never made love with her on top but it clearly mattered to her. "Stop thinking so much" He whispered with a smile. 

"Can't help it" she chuckled a little. 

"Come here" He said and encouraged her to get on the bed. They kissed some more and she started undressing him again. Her hands still shook but he decided not to draw attention to it again. He eventually sat in just his boxers. "I think we're a little uneven here" He smirked at her and started removing her clothing. He went as slowly as she had and made sure to kiss every single exposed inch of her skin. She groaned and touched him everywhere she could reach. Her over active mind getting caught up in the sensations but still flashing in a rather large amount of anxiety and fear.

Once he got her bra off he lay her back gently in the bed and suckled and nipped at her breasts. Being sure to pay attention to the stiff nubs of her nipples. She clutched at the back of his head, moaning constantly. He pulled back to kiss her and she reached down herself to take her panties off. Mulder groaned at the realisation of what she'd just done. She was naked! He'd never get bored or complacent at the thought and sight of her naked. She pulled out of the kiss and gave him a shaky smile. 

Scully pushed at his broad shoulders. He took the hint and lay down. Scully's breath panted out of her. Fear gripped it's cruel icy hand on her. She felt tears pool at her eyes. Damn it! She was ready! She's *ready*! She cursed herself mentally. She pushed through and bent to his boxers, taking them off. She swallowed another wave of tears and climbed on top of him. He had been submissive so far. Not wanting her to feel pressured or scare her more. But when her core touched his and she sobbed out and her face crumpled he couldn't stand it anymore. 

"Scully. Scully, wait" He said. He made sure never to say 'stop' while they were intimate together. 

"Please" She said. Her face looked devestated. She took him in hand and positioned herself over his erection. She wasn't wet, not even slightly. He could tell if she tried to lower herself onto him she'd hurt herself. He couldn't let her do it. No matter how much she wanted to over come this hurdle there had to be a better way to go about it. 

"Enough, Scully" He said gently and pushed her off of him and back onto her back. She burst into heart wrenching sobs. He pulled her into his arms. 

"I'm sorry. I thought... I thought I could. I *want* to. I..." She broke off as more sobs heaved her petite body. 

"Shh..." He soothed as she held onto him and cried. When her tears slowed to an eventual stop his comforting caresses became more romantic. He kissed the tears from her face and finally met her lips. "I love you, Scully, so much" He kissed her over and over 

"I love you too... I'm sorry" She started to apologise in between kisses.

"Shh... stop thinking" He told her and kissed to her breasts. He kissed down her delicate frame very slowly, teasing her until he met the apex of her thighs. He'd gone down on her alot since they'd discovered it was something she could do and enjoy. He'd always had a bit of an oral fixation so he was thrilled they could share something so intimate.

He kissed and licked at her clit while she gasped and moaned. She clutched at the back of his head as he put two fingers gently into her. He was glad to find her wet now. Having the fear of being on top taken away from her had allowed her to become as aroused as she usually got. He kept working her skillfully until she gave her tell tale "Ohhh my God" and clamped around his fingers. 

Mulder kissed back up her body and she grabbed him to her, kissing him hungrily. Her taste mixing between them as their tongues met. Scully spread her legs around him even more and he felt her hand snaking down between them to possiion him at her entrance. He mustered all the will power he had and pulled off of her.

She gave him a confused look as he sat up next to the headboard. He just smiled at her and pulled her to him so she was sitting on his lap. Her eyes bulged "Okay?" He asked.

Scully gave him a shaky nod. She should have known he'd try to do anything he could to make this easier for her. She wished he could feel how much she loved him for she knew she'd never be able to put it into words. He held his cock to her core, giving her the choice of when to lower herself onto it. She took several slow deep breaths through her nose and puffed them out of pursed lips. She put her lips to his as she slowly lowered herself over him. They both let out a groan at the feeling of completeness. 

Scully pulled her face from his, a huge victorious smile on her face. It wasn't exactly the position she had thought of but she was on top of him. She slid slowly up and down on him. This time when she felt tears in her eyes they both knew it was out of joy. He gripped her rear and slim them both down the bed a little, still sitting. 

"I love you. You feel incredible, Scully" She huffed around a smile and kept moving up and down on him. He took her hands gently from his shoulders and put them on his chest. She gave him a slight frown but he simply smiled back. The lack of leverage made her fault in her movements and she whimpered. 

Mulder slowly lowered his torso away from her. She blinked quickly a few times realising what he was doing. He was down on his back and she was on top of him. She chuckled with joy and started moving above him again. Loosing herself in the sensation and keeping her eyes on his. The look of utter love and acceptance in his eyes was exactly what she needed to see. Her tight walls twitched and she groaned. "God, Mulder. Uh, Yes! Hooo" She sped up. He knew he wasn't going to be able to last much longer and brought his hand up, swirling his fingers around her clit. "Oh, Jesus! Yeah! Like that. Ohhh..." she was pounder herself onto him now. Slamming onto his cock over and over. 

"That's it, honey. Shit. Let go for me. God, you're so beautiful! Oh, shit. Yes!" He sped up his fingers around her until they were just a blur. Her eyes rolled up and away from him, touching to the heavens and she screamed out and clamped down on him. He didn't need her tell tale 'Ohhh my god' this time to tell she had come. He let go and exploded into her welcoming heat. 

Scully collapsed onto his body, laughing. She didn't know what else to do. She was so proud of herself, so in love that she didn't really know how to handle the overwhelming emotions coursing through her. She leaned up and kissed him slowly. 

"Was that okay?" He asked when she's sobered. He was pretty damn sure he didn't need to ask but he couldn't think of much else to say to her. 

"It was perfect, Mulder. Completely perfect" she couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she climbed off of his now flaccid cock. 

Mulder smiled at her and pulled her into another kiss. He rubbed her nose with his in an Eskimo kiss. 

"So, chilli?" He gave her a grin. She giggled at him. At the whole situation. Could life seriously ever get any better? 

"Definitely. Meet you there?" She said and extracted herself to go to the bathroom and clean up.

Scully stood starring at herself in the mirror after cleaning herself of their combined fluids. She didn't look any different but she certainly felt different. She turned her head this way and that. She couldn't put her finger on why she looked so different. Like a familiar stranger. 

"The rice is nearly done. You coming, Scully?" Mulder called from the other side of the door.

"Yeah. I'll just be a sec" She called back. She gave herself one last look and with startling realisation knew why she looked different. She was happy. Really and truely happy! She'd overcome the last barrier in her recovery and she was still ok. Better than ok. She smiled at her reflection, took and deep breath and went out the door. Out to the rest of her life with the love of her life.


End file.
